In 2006, Americans gave a record $295 billion to charity, roughly 2.2 percent of the nation's collective take-home income. But Tim Mercer didn't give non-profits a penny. Here’s why.]]> The Not-For-Profit sector of our economy pulls in a lot of money. In 2006, Americans dug deep and gave a record $295 billion to charity, roughly 2.2 percent of our collective take-home income. Not one penny of that came from me. Here’s why.

1. They’re not as efficient as you think

As with any financial endeavor, and big charities definitely fit the bill, part of the goal is just to bring cash in. Take VietNow, for example. The charity itself is well meaning, striving to address hardships that face many of the men and women who’ve served in the military in the last half century. But in order to reach as wide of a base as possible, VietNow employs a telemarketing group to solicit members and benefactors. It’s a strategy that has worked greatly in expanding the public’s awareness of the group, and over $7 million were raised between 1987 and 1995. There’s a catch, however: The telemarketing company kept eight-five cents on every dollar donated, leaving a meager 15 cents on the dollar for the charity itself. Subtract further administrative costs from that, and the money that actually made it into the hands of the people who needed it most becomes meaningless.

Often the charities that are spending to send you things in the mail or call you at home have an overhead that’s so expensive that most of the money received ends up cycled back into the system, just paying for more postage and telemarketers.

And like any business, there are those who make a living out of it, like Roger Chapin, the self-dubbed “non-profit entrepreneur,” who’s run nearly 30 non-profits over the years with names like “Citizens for a Drug-Free America,” “Americans United to Conquer Disease,” Coalition to Salute America’s Heros Foundation, “ and “Help Hospitalizes Veterans,” which preforms the daunting, yet necessary task of supplying injured soldiers with arts and crafts kits while in the hospital. “HHV,” for short, was by far Chapin’s most successful charity to date, bringing in over $71.3 million in donations. Unfortunately, only about nine percent of that actually went to purchasing these gifts, 85 percent went to pay for the direct mailing and television campaigns. Five percent of that 71 mill was spent on administrative fees, including a $43,000 down payment on a pair of condos, a $135,000 loan to finance a friend’s divorce settlement, a $17,000 country club membership, and a combined salary of over half a million dollars for Chapin and his wife, who edits the “HHV” newsletter.

2. Giving could land you in Guantanamo

It may sound extreme, but if you give money to the wrong people, you can be arrested as a terrorist. Here’s how it works: Let’s say you’re a socially conscious American Muslim. And let’s say you read the headlines and see how bad things are for people who live in northern Mali, so you decide to donate money to a charity that funds projects there- in this case, a well for clean drinking water. The Islamic American Relief Fund does just that. You write the check, post it and then let the warmth of philanthropy wash over you. But if it happens that a few of the men paid to dig the well had been paid to dig other wells in the area, and any of those wells had been paid for by Hamas, government watchlists place those men on Hamas’s payroll and identify them terrorists. When this line of thinking is carried out to its extreme, that means that the Islamic American Relief fund gave money to terrorists, which means you gave money to terrorists. And that makes you a terrorist.

Sound far fetched? Not under to the USA PATRIOT Act. If you give money to an organization that, in turn, gives it to people on the Defense Department’s growing list of “terrorist” organizations, then you can be arrested and sent off to wherever they send those people off.

3. Just because it’s a non-profit, doesn’t mean it’s a charity.

The Baptist Foundation of Arizona was never technically a charity. In fact, its investors expected to see their investments returned to them. When Richard and Susan Kimsey deposited $100,000 into the trust, they were told that they were doing the Lord’s work. They were also told that the money was going into a mutual fund and that the interest would be used to fund Baptist and humanitarian causes–providing food and shelter to Arizona’s poor and spreading the gospel.

Unbeknownst to the Kimseys, as well as 13,000 other investors, not only had the foundation failed to make any charitable contributions, it had also become a money pit.

The BFA was founded in 1948, and ran fine until the eighties, when the foundation’s trustees invested heavily in the booming Arizona real estate market, which tanked soon thereafter. Rather than dissolving and returning as much money as possible to investors, the foundation instead solicited new donations in order to keep up with interest payments on its failed investments. Eventually, this scheme grew out of control. The BFA created dummy subsidiaries to buy the failed investments at inflated prices with money borrowed from the foundation, and issued loans that these subsidiaries could not possibly pay back. With a little creative paperwork from auditor Arthur Anderson, the foundation looked like it was staying afloat, while good intentioned, elderly “investors” continued to throw their retirement funds into the fire.

When the BFA was finally investigated by Arizona state regulators after a decade of litigation, the foundation’s losses topped $350 million. Half of that was paid by Arthur Anderson in a court settlement. Further, three BFA members, including the foundation’s treasurer, plead guilty to fraud charges.

4. Wealthy People Use them as Tax Shelters

Non-profit organizations have the luxury of being tax-exempt, and sometimes rich folk, aided by crafty lawyers and accountants, take advantage of them. Example: the America3 Foundation. Millionaire William Koch, who was on Forbes’ “400 richest people in America” in the early 1990s, created and funded the so-called charity as a tax-shelter to support his yachting hobby. More specifically, he was using it to compete for the America’s Cup. Koch described his crew as “amateur athletes” which helped him get his non-profit registration, though team members were getting paid between $30,000 and $40,000 per year, with housing and expenses included. His motivation for the foundation? Apparently, yachting year round can get pricey, and, according to him, the cost of running a campaign for America’s Cup is “obscene and wasteful.” Through the America3 Foundation he could save, “a couple million bucks.”

Of course, Koch’s means isn’t the only way to game the system. In the mid-nineties, CEO of InsMark, Robert Ritter, developed a scheme called, “charitable split-dollar insurance,” which allowed very wealthy people to set-up a life insurance policy in the form of a tax-exempt charitable fund, like founding a charity to support your children after you’re gone. It was an abusive tax shelter technique that played off a loophole in the tax code. In 1999, Congress passed legislation banning the practice.

5. You could be subsidizing someone’s love life

United Way of America president William Aramony was sentenced to seven years in prison for “25 counts of conspiracy, mail and wire fraud, the filing of false income tax returns and transactions involving criminal property.” Not only did Aramony syphon off over $1.2 million from the charity’s headquarters, he also diverted these funds towards his mistress in the form of chauffeured limousines, trips across the world (to accompany him, of course), checks for “consulting” services, and the use of a New York City condo. Added to the list of unethical actions was the fact that his muse was only 17 when the 59-year old executive first met her.

Of course, Aramony didn’t draw straight from the company well. Instead, he set up Partnership Umbrella, Inc. with $900,000 in United Way seed money, as well as several other spin-off entities. It was through these side organizations that he masked his massive personal spending. The scandal surrounding his trial led to a sharp drop in donations to local branches of the United Way, which was unfortunate because only one cent of every dollar received at the local level goes to the national headquarters. Oddly enough, some still praise Aramonay for the advances he made in the efficiency and efficacy of the organization.

Author’s Note: But I still think you should still give

For me, the number of people who’ve abused the system makes me uncomfortable with the idea of giving to charities. But that doesn’t mean I’m not charitable. I have my own philanthropic foundation: it’s called, “Pocket Change.” My mission: To keep a lot of spare change and a few dollars always handy. That way, when I’m walking to work and a homeless guy asks me for money, I can give it to him.The money stays in my own community, I know it’s going directly to who needs it, and I get the instant gratification of seeing the thankful look on someone’s face. There’s a chance he’s just going to spend it on drugs and liquor, but from what I’ve seen, there’s no guarantee that my charitable dollars aren’t going to be squandered no matter who I give them to.

Of course, my “Pocket Change” approach isn’t for everyone. (There’s a definite downside in that you can’t write off donations on your taxes.) If you’re giving to non-profits, I’d suggest, before you give your money away, do your research. Be wary of organizations that are spending on mailings and telemarketers. And be doubly wary if you’re asked for donations using hard sell tactics like this.

Not all final resting places are peaceful. Here are the stories of some famous corpses, and why they were dug up.]]> Not all final resting places are peaceful. Here are the stories of some famous corpses, and why they were exhumed.

1. The Jesse James Body Count

As the story goes, on April 3, 1882, young recruit Bob Ford shot Jesse James in the back of the head while James was straightening a picture hanging on the wall of his Missouri home. But rumors spread for decades that the man shot by Bob Ford was not the real outlaw, rather the victim of an elaborate plot to allow Jesse James to escape into hiding. Though none of the credible Jesse James biographers believed the rumors, his body was nonetheless exhumed in 1995 for DNA testing. The report confirmed that the body’s DNA was indeed consistent with that of James’ known descendants, proving false the rumors of his survival.

But the tenacious true believers stubbornly continued to insist that the famous outlaw’s true remains lay elsewhere. After the findings from the 1995 exhumation, two other bodies were dug up for DNA testing. One was the body of a Kansas farmer who’d died in 1935; the other was that of Frank Dalton of Granbury, Texas, who claimed to be the true Jesse James until his death in 1951—which would have made him 103.

But a poorly placed headstone and the shifting, drought-ridden Texas soil had caused the team exhuming Dalton’s body to accidentally dig up the wrong body. Another court order was issued, and the team returned to exhume the real Dalton.

For those keeping score, that makes three bodies needlessly exhumed, since DNA testing had proven years earlier that James was never able to escape his Missouri home.

2. Knowing the Unknown

The “Tomb of the Unknowns,” as it’s unofficially known, is one of the most noticeable monuments in Arlington National Cemetery. Lying beneath it are the remains of an unidentified serviceman from each of the major wars since the turn of the 20th century: WWI, WWII, Korea, and—until recently—Vietnam.

In 1984, the remains of an unidentified Vietnam War soldier were placed in the tomb. Soon afterward, CBS reporter Vince Gonzalez led a seven-month investigation into the possible identity of the unnamed casualty and concluded the remains were likely those of USAF Lieutenant Michael Joseph Blassie, a missing pilot shot down over Au Loc in 1972. The family of Lt. Blassie pleaded for a DNA test, so in the mid-nineties, the unknown soldier was exhumed for DNA analysis. In 1998, after the remains had been positively identified as Lt. Blassie’s, they were re-interred at Jefferson Barracks National Cemetery outside of Saint Louis. The Vietnam War is currently not represented in the Tomb of the Unknowns.

3. America’s First Assassinated President?

To this day, the cause of death of our twelfth president is cloaked in mystery. Some pathologists believe it was cholera. Others think that an overindulgence of iced cherries and milk gave him a fatal case of gastroenteritis. A few scientists have long kicked around the idea that he died of organ failure caused by heat stroke. But at least one historian, Clara Rising, believed that Old Rough & Ready’s death was the result of foul play.

Rising was writing a book about President Taylor that speculated he had, in fact, died of arsenic poisoning—which would make him the United States’ first assassinated president. In 1991, after securing an exhumation order from the county coroner, she paid $1,200 to have the president’s tomb opened and his remains removed for chemical analysis.

The result: negative. President Zachary Taylor was not poisoned, leaving Lincoln as our first assassinated president. (But it’s hard to imagine a more interesting way to spend $1,200.)

4. The Long-Awaited Funeral of Emperor Haile Selassie I

Emperor Haile Selassie I of Ethiopia, who is worshiped as god incarnate by Rastafarians, died of ambiguous causes in 1975 after being deposed by his own army. Whether he was murdered is still debated today. What is known is that The Derg—the Soviet-backed committee within the Ethiopian army responsible for the coup—had the fallen emperor’s remains buried beneath a latrine on the palace grounds. It wasn’t until 1992 that his body was removed, and another eight before his official funeral was held on November 5, 2000.

Many die-hard Rastafarians refuse to believe the remains found under that bathroom were those of Selassie, believing instead that he ascended into heaven on a fiery whirlwind.

5. The Posthumous Adventures of Eva Perón

After dying of cancer at age 33, the wife of Argentine President Juan Perón posthumously made an Odyssean journey. In 1954, Juan Perón was overthrown in a military coup, and his wife’s body — which had been waiting for construction to be completed on a grandiose glass mausoleum — was hidden for sixteen years.

The exact story of what happened during those sixteen years is unknown. The 1995 book Santa Evita by Thomás Eloy Martínez details some of the more bizarre happenings involving Evita’s remains, like when the new government had twenty-five wax copies of her corpse made, placed them in identical coffins and put each one in the care of high-ranking civil leaders for burial, each one believing he had the real body. Martínez also claims that an examination years later showed that someone had hit Evita’s corpse with a hammer, and that one of the wax copies had been sexually abused.

It wasn’t until 1971 that an official in the Argentinian government disclosed the true whereabouts of her body. In the years following the military coup, Evita’s remains were smuggled out of the country disguised as those of a Catholic nun, and buried in Milan, Italy, under the name “Maria Maggi.” The body was exhumed and returned to an elderly Juan Perón, who was living in exile outside of Madrid, Spain. For two years, he kept the coffin in his home, where he was living with his third wife, until 1973, when he came out of exile and returned to Argentina to bury Evita’s in the country she had loved so much. She was at last placed in the tomb of her father’s family in La Recoleta Cemetery, Buenos Aires. As for Juan Perón, after 18 years of exile, he was elected president of Argentina for the third time—a fitting end for the husband of South America’s most beloved first lady.

In every corner of the globe, people have developed unique ways of thanking Dear ol’ Dad. Let's take a look at how the rest of the world honors their fathers.]]> If you own a television or have walked by any store selling either hardware, sporting goods or electronics, then you know this Sunday is Father’s Day. Father’s Day has come a long way since its modern inception in 1908, when the towns of Fairmont, West Virginia, and Spokane, Washington, celebrated the first and second official Father’s Days within two weeks of each other that June. The holiday caught on and became widely celebrated in the United States, though it was not until 1972 that Richard Nixon established it as an official holiday, and Madison Avenue did to it what Hallmark did to Valentine’s Day.

But as Americans, we can’t take credit for Father’s Day. In every inhabited corner of the globe, people have developed unique ways of thanking Dear ol’ Dad for raising us, guiding us, and for simply being there. So this year, when you’re thinking of what to get for Dear ol’ Dad, take a look at what the rest of the world does for their fathers.

Candy, meat, and self-imposed acts of humiliation

In late August or early September, the Nepalese celebrate Gokarna Aunsi. On this day, grateful sons and daughters present their fathers with traditional sweets and slabs of meat—a perfect gift for any red blooded American.

Those whose fathers are no longer among the living spend this day worshiping the Gokarneswor Mahadev, a sacred shrine to the Hindu lord Shiva. The shrine is in the village of Gokarna, five miles east of Kathmandu, and is said to have a strong connection with the souls of the dead. At the shrine, the fatherless pilgrims give gifts of grain and coins to the priests who live there, since the priests have no children of their own.

And what Father’s Day would be complete without showing your old man that he’s still the boss? Nepalese sons do this by rubbing dad’s feet with their head in an act of veneration. If that’s not love, then I don’t know what is.

Dad not crazy about meat? Do what the Sicilians do.
March 19th is St. Joseph’s Day, and since Joseph was the most important father in the Catholic Church, it’s also a day for honoring dad. For Italians, this means an ample feast. However, March 19th almost always falls in the middle of Lent, when orthodox Catholics abstain from meat, so “St. Joseph’s Table,” as it is called, is entirely without meat. Families gather around the table and eat all manner of bread, vegetables, egg dishes and St. Joseph’s Pasta, which consists of spaghetti in a red sauce often with anchovies or sardines and topped with bread crumbs representing sawdust (a nod to Joseph’s profession as a carpenter).

In Sicily, fava beans are also an important part of the festivities. As legend has it, the mediaeval Sicilians survived a massive drought and famine by praying to St. Joseph, who in his infinite grace pulled some strings with the Big Guy and saved the Sicilians with…yeah, you guessed it…fava beans. However, my sources inform me that there was no Chianti to speak of.

Fire up more than just the grill
March 19th also marks Father’s Day in Valencia, Spain, where fathers are celebrated with the most awesome gift of all: FIRE!

Carpenters in feudal Spain saved their wood shavings and sawdust all year round until St. Joseph’s Day, when they would construct a massive bonfire in the center of town which would burn into the wee hours of the morning while the townspeople danced and drank around it. This celebration evolved into the more modern custom practiced today. Each year, in early March, great statues of wood and wax are erected throughout the city of Valencia. Statues depicting everything from life, local heroes and political leaders, to the fantastic and supernatural. Designed and built by local artists, the statues attract tourists and onlookers to the city as the night of the festival approaches. At the stroke of midnight on the night of St. Joseph, the statues are ignited amid parade marches and elaborate firework displays.

You can recreate your own Valencia Fire Statue with simple household items, if you are so inclined. But be sure to keep a water hose handy. The only reason that the town of Valencia hasn’t yet gone up in flames is that the building are, without exception, constructed from granite blocks. Your father’s house, regrettably, is not.

Dads gone wild (and non-dads, too)
In Deutschland, Vatertag, the solemn day of family togetherness closely resembling our own Father’s Day, is rivaled by the concurrent Herrentag, or Men’s Day. This bawdry affair is feted by groups of men who load small wagons with beer, schnaps and sausages and lead drunken processions through town or out into the woods. Despite opposition from many—German Family Minister, Ursula von der Leyer stated recently, “I’ve had enough. I think it’s awful…Fathers should not be drunk in front of their children”—the inebriate debauchery of Men’s Day still draws a crowd of merry pranksters each year, though few of them are actually fathers.

So, this Sunday, when you’re on your way to see dad, why not stop off and pick up a case of cold ones, a Radio Flyer and a Hillshire Farms sampler pack? It’s sure to beat that rotary sander you got him last year.

Give the gift of Involuntary Captivity
The Serbian Father’s Day is held on the Sunday before Christmas, part of the three week run-up to the Nativity along with Children’s Day and Mother’s Day. The tradition on Father’s Day, or Ocevi, is to tie dad to an object from which he cannot be released until he offers a ransom in exchange for his freedom. The object could be anything: a bowling ball, car tire or even the upstairs radiator. Imagine the possibilities. Early Sunday morning, Daddy Dearest finds himself locked in the bathroom, the door firmly barred shut, trapped helplessly on his porcelain throne with only the sincerest love of his children to keep him company until he finally concedes to pay off your student loans and that credit card you maxed out buying all those anime DVD’s.

Giving blood and taking animals
In Thailand, the King’s Birthday also serves as National Father’s Day. King Bhumibol Adulyadej, born on December 5, 1927 in Cambridge, Massachusetts, became the ninth king of Thailand’s Chakri Dynasty on June 9, 1946. Each year on his birthday, the people of Thailand don yellow garments—yellow being the traditional Thai color representing Monday, the day of the king’s birth—and gather in the street for parades and dancing while fireworks burn through the night sky.

Other celebrations include acts of charity and honor, the most distinct being the donation of blood and the liberation of captive animals. “Happy Father’s Day, Dad. Oh, where’s Bandit? you ask. I freed him as an act of merit to honor you. Here’s a pint of B positive. Yeah, I knew you’d be thrilled. I love you too, Dad.”

Putting dad to work
And what would Father’s Day be without unnecessarily complicated gadgets? In 2001, Yuri Usachev, cosmonaut and commander of the International Space Station, received a talking picture frame, a gift from his 12-year-old daughter, Evgenia, while in orbit.

The gift was made possible by RadioShack, who, with the help of several of Commander Usachev’s colleagues, filmed the presentation of the gift for a television commercial, which aired for the first time during ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball on May 27, 2001. The talking frame, which has since spawned the even more mind-boggling advancement, the talking greeting card, was pocket-sized and made of black plastic with a hinge in the center. When opened, it revealed a small photo on one side and a speaker and microphone on the other. Evgenia’s message to her father: “Hey dad, we are wishing you good fortune and success in your job, and good relations with the crew.” Proving that, even on Father’s Day, even in the deep vacuum of space, poor ol’ Pop just can’t get a break from work.

Timothy Mercer is an occasional contributor to mental_floss.