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11 Notes on Alfred W. Lawson, Founder of the Weirdest University Ever

Maggie Ryan Sandford — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 04:11:22 +0000

Many noble Americans have founded universities, but Alfred W. Lawson’s school was devoted entirely to the study of his own questionable teachings. Did Lawson build the University of Lawsonomy out of pure hubris, or of genuine concern for the human race? Perhaps, as he posits, “Ninety nine per cent (roughly estimated) of the human race lack imagination” (parentheses his). Perhaps you have unwittingly spent your life as a dullard, because until you’ve learned Lawsonomy, “you are not educated.” Well, dear readers: Educate yourselves. Enter the imagination of Alfred W. Lawson, the man, the mystery, the shameless self-promoter who once claimed, of himself, in his awkwardly named magazine Manlife: “If Lawson should die today, posterity will honor and glorify him as no other mortal, because he has given mankind the true base from which to start an edifice of super-knowledge of the universe and its laws.”

1. Lawson claimed that from the moment of his birth in 1869 (“…the most momentous occurrence since the birth of mankind”), he was destined for greatness. His father, Robert Henry Lawson, spent decades trying to patent a perpetual motion machine, an ultimately misguided devotion that became formative in young Alfred’s understanding of the laws of “physics.”

2. At age eighteen, Lawson became a pitcher in the early days of professional baseball. He bounced around from team to team for a few seasons without making an impact. Lawson fared just as poorly on the business side of the game, founding and folding three leagues with bombastic names like Union Leagues of Professional Base Ball Clubs of America.

3. When baseball failed him, Lawson decided to start publishing an aviation magazine aimed at general audiences—a brave undertaking, considering (a) Lawson had no experience in either publishing or aviation, and (b) in 1908, only about three people in the world had actually flown airplanes. Fueled by the belief that air travel was the way of the future, Lawson managed to popularize two magazines, Fly and Aircraft, and helped popularize the latter term in the process.

© Bettmann/CORBIS

4. Though Lawson may not have invented the word “aircraft,” he most likely did invent the word “airliner.” Because…he actually invented the airliner. Rather, he invented the idea of the airliner, and (ever undeterred by his lack of technical knowledge) hired a team of designers and engineers who could literally give his vision wings.

In Milwaukee in 1920, Lawson unveiled the world’s first airliner: the largest non-military plane in the U.S. at that point, with a capacity of 16—26, if removable seats were placed in the aisle. Lawson Airlines was born.

5. As the U.S. entered the Great Depression, Lawson’s lofty endeavors struggled. He authored Direct Credits for Everybody, a utopian manifesto about a society in which “Direct Credits” would be used instead of money as a way to indicate ownership of land, products or labor. Kind of like money, but…not. The subtleties of Lawson’s concepts, he claimed, couldn’t be understood unless you also understood physics. “Economics is a side partner of physics…like a couple that can’t be separated.”

6. Lawson had his own version of physics, of course, based almost entirely on a childhood observation that dust could be moved through space by sucking and blowing. As such, Lawsonic physics were based on principles of “Suction” and “Pressure” acting upon substances. “Substances,” by the way, are everything, ever: air, “other gases,” solids, liquids, “mentality,” heat, cold, light, sound, electricity the “ether of outer space,” and something called “lesether” (see below). Energy had no place in Lawsonic physics: “There is no greater load of misconception that Science has ever had to shoulder than the unprovable theory that somewhere, somehow, and in some shape, there exists a substance called Energy that causes movement. No such thing exists anywhere and Science should expunge the fallacy without delay.”

7. Lesether, for the uninformed, is comprised of substances “supplied directly by the Sun in currents of various density and also by solid substances which are drawn into the Solar System, such as meteors and other cosmic debris which are dissolved into gases by contact with the atmosphere of the Earth.” Obviously.

8. Another Lawsonic law: Given ideal circumstances, universal substances can achieve a “state of maturity” called “Equaeverpoise,” or “a perpetual movement of matter.” (Sound familiar?) Inside the body, Equaeverpoise is called “Lawsonpoise,” which — achieved via the proper combination of diet, hygiene, rest and exercise — can potentially allow a human being to live 200 years. In short, Lawsonomy leads one to become one’s own perpetual motion machine.

9. By 1943, Lawson had published over 50 volumes, and he decided it was time to found a school. He managed to raise over $100,000 to buy an abandoned college campus and convert it to the Des Moines University of Lawsonomy (later renamed and relocated to Sturtevant, Wisconsin). There, people young and old gathered to study Lawsonomy and live communally according to its principles. At its height, DMUL boasted two thousand “part time students,” but the number had fallen to the lower hundreds by Lawson’s death in 1954.

10. Students of the University of Lawsonomy were expected to devote all their study to Lawson’s works — in fact, no other books were allowed on campus. Exams entailed verbatim recitation of Lawson’s works, and therefore took years of study; interim exams were supposed to be held after 10-20 years, and a comprehensive exam after 30, at which point passing students would receive the degree of “Knowledgian.” By the time he died, Alfred Lawson was the only person holding the degree of Knowledgian, which posed a problem: Only Knowledgians could bestow the degree of Knowledgian. Officers of the University tweaked the laws a bit, and eventually graduated several Knowledgians, all well into their sixties.

11. With such a workload, Lawsonomy left little room for life after graduation. As for post-graduate work, the University of Lawsonomy offered Lawsonian Religion, intended to provide students the highest “grade of consciousness.”

In recent years, the Lawsonic community has been reduced to a cult following and a few mysterious internet advertisements for Lawsonomy Student Reunions. As of the publication of this article, the University of Lawsonomy has yet to return our calls.

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11 Actors Who Have Played The Doctor

Calli Arcale — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 03:11:18 +0000

There have been many actors who have portrayed the Doctor in various settings, but eleven have been the official Doctors. We’ll look at all of them here.

1. William Hartnell

Veteran character actor William Hartnell was born in 1908 to humble beginnings; his mother was unwed, he never knew his father, and his first career move was into petty crime. A boxing instructor got him started on horse racing, but he found his real passion when he got a job as a stagehand at the age of 18. He quickly got into acting, working constantly with only a break to serve in World War II in an armored regiment. He ended up typecast in comic tough-guy roles (you can see one of them in The Mouse That Roared), and when Verity Lambert offered him the part of a mysterious time traveler in an educational show aimed at children, he jumped at the part. He created a character who was highly intelligent but not always as wise as he thought himself, brilliant but forgetful, cantankerous but with a deep compassion under the surface. He enjoyed the role tremendously, but by 1966, his health was deteriorating due to arteriosclerosis and he had to quit. The producers came up with the idea of having his character transform into a new actor, and Hartnell suggested Patrick Troughton, who was approached and accepted the part. Hartnell reprised his role once more for the tenth anniversary special, “The Three Doctors,” but his health had deteriorated more than the production crew realized and his part had to be rewritten to accommodate his capabilities; it was his final work as an actor, and he passed away in 1974 at the age of 67.

2. Patrick Troughton

Born in 1920, Patrick Troughton went directly into an acting career and was undergoing formal training in New York City when World War II broke out. He returned to England and joined the Navy, where he had a decorated career before returning to the theater, gaining a reputation as a reliable and versatile character actor. In 1953, he became the first person to play Robin Hood on television and found a succession of television, film, and radio roles afterward before Innes Lloyd, the new producer of Doctor Who, approached him in 1966 about succeeding William Hartnell in the title role. He ended up playing the role as what series creator Sydney Newman called a “cosmic hobo,” inspired partly by silent film star Charlie Chaplin — brilliant, a bit egotistical, and also a bit of a comedian. He’d sometimes play the recorder, a significant change from the First Doctor, who had no apparent musical talent, and it was during this era that the sonic screwdriver was first seen. After three years, he decided to move on, although he returned three more times to reprise the role, in “The Three Doctors,” “The Five Doctors,” and “The Two Doctors.” He returned to his work as a character actor after his time on Doctor Who, working hard despite doctors’ advice due to major heart problems. In 1987, he defied doctor’s orders to stay in the country and recuperate and went on one more convention tour. He died on March 27, 1987, in Columbus, Georgia. (I actually saw him once, and got his autograph, earlier in the same U.S. tour. He seemed in good health, but, well, he was a very good actor.) Acting was in his blood; several of his children and grandchildren have gone into acting. The youngest of these is Harry Melling, whom Harry Potter fans know as Dudley Dursley.

3. Jon Pertwee

Born in 1919, and thus actually a year older than the man he would replace, Jon Pertwee was born into a family that already had a lot of actors in it. Like the first two Doctors, he joined the military in World War II; although his service wasn’t as distinguished as Troughton’s, he did acquire an interesting souvenir: he woke up one morning after a drunken shore leave to find a tattoo on his arm, which made a brief appearance in his debut episode of Doctor Who. After the war, he became known as a comic actor on stage, television, and film. When he heard that the part of the Doctor had become available, he inquired and discovered he was already on the shortlist, and ultimately was cast. He played the character as an action hero with an almost James Bond flair, wearing opera capes and driving souped up cars (including the spaceship-like Whomobile, which actually belonged to Pertwee himself, built on commission by a custom car builder). After five seasons, he departed the role. His career didn’t falter afterwards, and in 1979 he found his second children’s TV role in Worzel Gummidge. He returned to the part of the Doctor for “The Five Doctors.” Like Troughton before him, he kept up the convention circuit, meeting with his fans frequently, and he died of a heart attack in Connecticut on May 20, 1996.

(One odd coincidence—Pertwee’s godfather was the actor Henry Ainley, whose son Anthony later took on the part of the Master, originated by Roger Delgado during Pertwee’s tenure.)

4. Tom Baker

Born in 1934 to a Catholic working class family in Liverpool, Baker first tried a career as a monk, then joined the military, serving as an orderly in a military hospital, before settling on acting as his career. In the ’60s, he was a part of the National Theatre company under Lawrence Olivier, and in 1971 broke into film as Rasputin in Nicholas and Alexandra. In 1974, producer Barry Letts cast him as the Doctor. His interpretation was as arrogant and egotistical as all his predecessors, and just as determined to do good, but more eccentric, often described as “bohemian.” The Fourth Doctor is particularly famous for his ridiculously long scarf, which resulted from a miscommunication between costume designer James Acheson and the knitter hired to produce it; Acheson never specified a length, and bought far too much yarn, so the knitter just kept going until it was all used up. Baker performed the part for a record-breaking seven seasons before retiring from it. After leaving, he had a brief marriage to costar Lalla Ward (the Second Romana), but it fell apart when both realized they’d really fallen in love with the other one’s character, not the actor—an occupational hazard, unfortunately—and they parted amicably. He continued working on stage and screen, and is still active.

5. Peter Davison

Born Peter Moffett in 1951 (he chose the stage name “Davison” because there was already a Peter Moffatt on the English stage), Davison began work at Nottingham Playhouse and got into television in 1975 alongside the woman who would become his wife, Sandra Dickinson. (Sci-fi fans will remember her as Trillian in the BBC TV miniseries version of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy; it was her idea to get Davison into a big rubber suit to play the Dish of the Day in the same series.) But his first really big break was the role of Tristan Farnon, a young country veterinarian, in All Creatures Great and Small. In 1981, he got his next big break when he was signed on to succeed Tom Baker as the Doctor. Only 29 at the time, he was the youngest to play the role until Matt Smith in 2010. His Doctor had his little quirks, but was much less eccentric than his predecessor, save for a stick of celery he wore on his lapel and a preference for cricket attire. He left after three seasons. He returned for non-canon productions and the very short charity special “Time Crash,” opposite David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor, the only “classic” Doctor to appear on the new series. After Doctor Who, he starred in A Very Peculiar Practice, Campion, and a revival of All Creatures Great and Small, as well as an assortment of other roles; he is still acting. His daughter from his first marriage, Georgia Moffett, later appeared on Doctor Who as well, the first child of a Doctor to appear on the show, in “The Doctor’s Daughter” as, well, the Doctor’s sort-of daughter. And that led, in a roundabout way, to Peter Davison becoming David Tennant’s father-in-law, but more on that later…

6. Colin Baker

Born in 1943 (and of no relation to Tom Baker), Colin Baker initially studied law with the intention of becoming a solicitor, but at 23, found a different calling and became an actor. He had a smattering of television roles before appearing on Doctor Who in 1983 as Commander Maxil, commander of the chancellory guards on Gallifrey in “The Arc of Infinity.” This got him onto producer John Nathan-Turner’s radar, and he was cast as the Sixth Doctor after Peter Davison’s departure. His tenure as the Doctor was a difficult one, marred by the battle of the production team with BBC leadership who hoped to see the series die. His costume was wildly garish, and he even attempted to kill his own companion in a fit of madness. But Baker put everything into the part and, although fans are mixed in their opinion of his Doctor, it cannot be denied that he threw himself into it, creating a Doctor who underwent a substantial amount of character development in two seasons. Unfortunately, the BBC1 Controller, Michael Grade, had never been a fan of the program and, after the troubled season 23, “Trial of a Time Lord,” Colin Baker was fired despite having a full series left in his contract. He remains enthusiastic about the series despite that, however, and has lent his talents to numerous fan-made and non-canon productions. Following his time on Doctor Who, he moved primarily into theater, but still does occasional film and television work as well.

7. Sylvester McCoy

Born Percy James Patrick Kent-Smith in Dunoon, Scotland, in 1943, Sylvester McCoy would become the first non-English actor to play the part. (To date, there has been only one other: Scottish actor David Tennant.) He never knew his father, who died in World War II shortly before he was born, and he was raised in Dublin, Ireland. He tried a variety of careers before joining a comedy/vaudeville act called “The Ken Campbell Roadshow.” One of the parts he played was a fictitious stuntman named Sylveste McCoy; confused reviewers thought it was his actual name, and he eventually adopted it as a stage name (adding an “r” to the first name to make it look better). In 1987, Doctor Who came out of a year-long hiatus following the firing of Colin Baker, and Sylvester McCoy was cast as the Seventh Doctor. His performance was evocative of the Second Doctor, and clearly informed by his comedy background, but in his second season became increasingly dark. The series was indefinitely suspended in 1989, ending the bulk of his tenure, although he returned for the American-produced Doctor Who movie in 1996, to film a regeneration scene to transition to Paul McGann. Following his work on Doctor Who, he worked extensively in theater and radio; he was nearly Governor Swann in Pirates of the Caribbean and even more nearly Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings. He recently traveled to New Zealand to film the part of Radagast the Brown for The Hobbit.

8. Paul McGann

Born in Liverpool in 1959, Paul McGann would ultimately have the shortest tenure as Doctor. He was born to a large family, and all four of the McGann boys went into acting. He played a series of roles on television before landing one of the two title roles in Withnail and I, playing Peter Marwood, the “I” of the title who is never named in the movie itself. He performed in a number of films after that, including American films, and was cast as Richard Sharpe, but a football injury just after filming started meant the number two, Sean Bean, got the part instead, and McGann ultimately walked away with a two million pound insurance settlement to compensate for the lost work and career advancement. In 1996, he was cast in an attempted revival of Doctor Who, filmed largely in Vancouver, British Columbia, and set in San Francisco, which was intended as a “back door pilot.” It received very good ratings in the UK, but failed to interest US studios. That was the end of that effort, but Paul McGann went on to pursue a respectable film and television career. Recently, he has recorded audio plays featuring the Eighth Doctor, whom the BBC does not consider canon, including a “do-over” of “Shada,” a story written and partially recorded for the Fourth Doctor’s tenure, but that was left uncompleted due to industrial action.

9. Christopher Eccleston

Born in 1964 to a working class family in Manchester, Eccleston pursued an acting career right out of school. He broke into film and television in the early ’90s, keeping very busy and receiving multiple awards for his work in television before producer Russell T. Davies cast him as the Ninth Doctor in a newly revived Doctor Who. He played the part in more ordinary dress than his predecessors and with his natural Northern accent. Eccleston was the first Doctor younger than the series itself (by a few months) and the first other than Hartnell to have never seen it prior to being cast. He studied “The Talons of Weng-Chiang” (a Fourth Doctor serial), which was then newly released on DVD, as preparation, and came up with a Doctor who was every bit as egotistical as his predecessors, mischievous and impulsive, but also shadowed with massive grief—sometime in the untransmitted interim, his race had gone to war with the Daleks, and he was now the only Time Lord left. He was also in some way responsible for the fact that the Time Lords were now extinct. He was only contracted for one season, due to uncertainty whether the BBC would even be interested in commissioning a second season; miscommunications with the BBC marred his departure, as he was mistakenly reported to have quit due to issues with the crew when, in fact, it had been planned that way from the outset. He resumed his intense schedule after Doctor Who and, in 2011, earned the International Emmy Best Actor award for his role in Accursed.

10. David Tennant

David McDonald was born in 1971 in West Lothian, Scotland, later taking the name David Tennant as his given name was already in use by another performer. He was a born Whovian, and at the age of three announced his intention to go into acting because of it. A precocious actor, he managed to enter the Royal Scottish Academy of Music and Drama at 16. He performed a variety of roles, including many with the Royal Shakespeare Company, and began breaking into television in the 2000s. In 2005, he appeared in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire as Barty Crouch, Jr., and appeased his inner Whovian by appearing in the Big Finish audio productions that sort of worked around the edges of Doctor Who continuity and in the abortive attempt at an online animated series, The Scream of the Shalka. He achieved his lifelong dream in 2005 when he was cast as the Tenth Doctor. He elected not to use his natural Scots accent for the part, affecting an Estuary accent, and played it a more confident and more vengeful Doctor than Eccleston. During his first season, he became the first Doctor to appear with someone from the classic series, when Elizabeth Sladen reprised her role as Sarah Jane Smith in “School Reunion.” That prompted a spinoff series called The Sarah Jane Adventures, and he appeared in an episode of Season Three of that show. He also provided voice work for two animated series, The Infinite Quest and Dreamland (the latter of which was referenced twice on The Sarah Jane Adventures). After three full seasons and a series of one-off specials in 2009, Tennant left the series, saying that he had to leave while he still could; any later and he wouldn’t be able to bring himself to quit. After leaving the series, he became engaged to actress Georgia Moffett, Peter Davison’s daughter. The two have since married and have a daughter together.

11. Matt Smith

Born in 1982 in Northhampton, Matt Smith initially dreamed of becoming a professional football player. (“Soccer” to us Yanks, of course.) A back injury put a stop to that, and his drama instructor at school pushed him into acting. He began to study drama and creative writing. He appeared in a variety of stage and television roles, but it was a complete surprise to most when he was cast as the Eleventh Doctor, the youngest ever to take the part. Producer Steven Moffatt had been going for someone in his mid-40s, but was particularly taken by Smith’s oddball demeanor and ability to look very old indeed. His Doctor was played as an absent-minded professor, complete with tweed jacket and bowtie (which he obliviously insists is cool), with a sometimes mercurial disposition. He has also appeared on The Sarah Jane Adventures and has provided voice work for a series of video games. He has been signed for an additional 14 episodes, so will be the Doctor for at least three seasons. Like Eccleston, Smith was largely unfamiliar with the series before accepting the role, but he had an excuse—he was only seven when the series went on hiatus. (And now some of us can start feeling old!)

The Late Movies: 11 Animals Celebrating Their Birthdays in Style

Jill Harness — Sat, 11 Feb 2012 02:11:40 +0000

Remember the excitement and joy you felt as a child when your annual birthday celebration finally rolled around? You can capture that feeling again, at least to some extent, by enjoying these fun videos of pets and zoo animals celebrating in delightful fashion.

A Panda

Here’s Yun Zi from the San Diego Zoo digging into her ice and fruit birthday cake created in celebration of her second birthday. Pandas seem to be particularly fond of birthday celebrations, so for more panda parties, don’t miss Panda Loves To Party over at Tumblr.

A Boston Terrier

There are tons of dog birthday videos online, but what makes little Rex here so special is the fact that he actually sneezes on cue, just in time to blow out his candle.

Tigers

Nick and Mick of the Oregon Zoo are celebrating their ninth birthday, that happens to land on Halloween, with a birthday cake present and a bunch of carved pumpkins filled with delicious breakfast treats.

Elephants

Just because humans don’t like to celebrate their birthdays once they’ve become seniors doesn’t mean elephants feel the same. Here’s Tricia of the Perth Zoo celebrating her 55th with a massive ice cake that’s just the right size for a few gals weighing in at over a dozen tons.

A Kitty

Pancake might not be quite as famous as Maru, but he’s still up there as far as YouTube kitty celebrity is concerned. Here’s Pancake pigging out on a stack of his namesake topped with tuna and corn in celebration of his first birthday.

A Cheetah

These days, it’s common for zoo cheetahs to be raised with dogs as they provide the big cats with friendship and help them feel more comfortable around humans. Of course, being friends with a big kitty certainly has its perks when your best friend’s birthday comes up and the workers at the Cincinnati Zoo where you work give you both a special beef cake with peanut butter and cream cheese frosting along with a bunch of toys.

A Husky

Laika is the tan husky in the family and she’s quite happy to be turning one, or at least to get a yummy pupcake, best of all, she even helps sing along to the birthday song at one point.

An Orangutan

Robin of the Denver Zoo sure loves this giant frozen cake filled with peanut butter and covered in raspberry mousse. Of course, getting a delicious treat bag as a present makes turning 32 even sweeter.

A Bear

She may be over the hill, but Ms. Grizz of the Wildwood Zoo still looks gorgeous on her 40th birthday, and she certainly seems to be enjoying all the treats that come with the big celebration.

A Skunk

A lot of people still turn their noses up at the idea of owning a skunk, but Peaches’ owner sure loves his little stinker. Here she is enjoying a cupcake and ball for her first birthday, which is a very special treat compared to her usual diet.

Baboons

At least one of these little babies from the Prospect Park Zoo is turning one, but without any information on the page, it’s hard to tell whose birthday is actually being celebrated. At least everyone’s having a good time though.

Do any of you pet owners celebrate your critters’ birthdays? If so, have any of you uploaded the videos? Feel free to leave links to the celebrations in the comments!

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11 Ill-Conceived TV Spinoffs That Almost Happened

Kara Kovalchik — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:11:28 +0000

Photo credit: NBC

Entertainment gossip rags are all abuzz discussing the pros and cons of a possible Dwight Schrute (of The Office fame) spinoff TV series. No doubt the producers and agents involved are too blinded by dollar signs to take the time to examine the fates of previous spinoff shows based on “can’t miss” popular characters. We hereby submit 11 such shows that barely made it past the drawing board.

1. WAL*TER

This M*A*S*H spinoff had as complicated a broadcast history as plot backstory. Gary Burghoff, who’d played the loveable Cpl. Radar O’Reilly at the 4077, provided a bit of background for his upcoming solo series during a special guest appearance on an episode of yet another ill-fated spinoff, AfterM*A*S*H. There we learned that Radar’s (oops – he made it clear in the pilot that his name was “Walter”) farm had failed and he’d shipped his mom off to live with an aunt. He’d married a woman named Sandy who left him for another man during their honeymoon. He now lived in St. Louis with his cousin and was a rookie cop on the local police force. The first episode showed hapless, naïve Walter exhibiting typical Radar-like behavior, such as getting embarrassed when breaking up a fight at a strip club, and buying a soda for a kid he falsely accused of committing a crime. The pilot episode of W*A*L*T*E*R aired just once (on July 17th, 1984; the series was not picked up), and only in the Eastern and Central time zones thanks to CBS affiliates cutting to live coverage of the 1984 Democratic National Convention at 9:00pm.

2. Facts of Life: Next Generation

The proposed Facts of Life spinoff had several working titles but never made it past the two-part Facts of Life finale entitled “The Beginning of the Beginning.” It was to be a vehicle for Lisa Whelchel, whose snooty Blair Warner character would buy the financially troubled Eastland School and become its new headmistress.

3. The Art of Being Nick

Scott Valentine was introduced as Nick Moore, Mallory’s love interest on Family Ties, during the series’ fourth season. Nick was a retro-hippie “environmental” artist who made sculptures out of garbage and whose grungy appearance and lack of scholastic ambition was a sore point with Steven, Elyse and Alex. Audience reaction to Nick was so positive that not one but three different pilots for a spinoff series were filmed in 1986. The one that made it to the air in 1987 was The Art of Being Nick and co-starred a pre-Seinfeld Julia Louis-Dreyfus. Even though the ratings were encouraging, NBC honcho Brandon Tartikoff nixed the series, preferring to keep the Nick character as a semi-regular on Family Ties.

4. Karen

This proposed Will and Grace spinoff didn’t get as far as the pilot stage, but it was all mapped out on paper. Megan Mullally would star as Karen Walker in her mansion and most of the comedy would be the interaction between her and her servants (one of which was slated to be a butler played by Martin Short). NBC got cold feet, though, after the lackluster ratings for Joey and gave Mullally a talk show instead of a sitcom.

5. After the Honeymoon

During the 11th season of My Three Sons there was an attempt to spin off eldest son, Robbie (played by Don Grady), his wife Katie (Tina Cole) and their triplet boys onto their own series. In the pilot episode, Robbie was laid off from work and moved his family to San Francisco to accept a new job. After the Honeymoon wasn’t picked up, and Grady didn’t return to My Three Sons for the 12th and final season. Tina Cole did return to the bosom of the Douglas family, and her husband’s absence was explained by having him transferred to Peru to oversee a construction job.

6. Another Man’s Shoes

The original premise of One Day at a Time – a divorcée struggling to raise two daughters as a single mom – was all but forgotten by Season Nine. Ann Romano had remarried and moved to London and both her daughters had grown up and gotten married. Who was left to spin off into their own series? Schneider, the building superintendent, of course. In the pilot, Schneider finds out that his brother has passed away and he flies to Florida to care for his now-orphaned niece and nephew (a young Corey Feldman). The children live in an apartment over an arcade that was frequented by an assortment of wacky regulars, and it just so happened the arcade owner was looking to hire a handyman. All the elements were in place for Dwayne Schneider to start life anew in Daytona Beach, but, alas, the series was not picked up.

7. Jackee

Relations between Marla Gibbs and Jackie Harry were rather tense by the fourth season of 227, mainly because Jackee’s character, Sandra, had become the breakout star of the series. Harry filmed a pilot which aired in 1989 in which Sandra moved to New York to accept a job at a film studio. When it turned out that the studio in question made adult films, she instead took a job at a spa. The pilot had a plum slot right after The Cosby Show and finished fifth in the ratings, but NBC still declined to pick it up.

8. Horshack

Ooh! Ooh! Guess which Sweathog almost graduated from Mr. Kotter’s class to his own series? The episode of Welcome Back Kotter entitled “There Goes Number 5” was the pilot for an Arnold Horshack series in which the geeky student becomes a surrogate father to his younger siblings after his mother’s fifth husband dies. ABC ultimately decided to green light the Barney Miller spinoff Fish instead.

9. Goober and the Trucker’s Paradise

A proposed spinoff of The Andy Griffith Show featured Gomer’s cousin Goober moving from Mayberry to Atlanta with his sister, Pearl, to open a truck stop café. The network passed on it, so Goob stayed on at Wally’s Filling Station all the way through Mayberry RFD.

10. Mona

A two-part episode of Who’s The Boss? was a pilot for a proposed series starring Katherine Helmond. Mona goes to visit her never-before-mentioned brother Cornelius at a hotel he’s recently purchased. Even though the place turned out to be a decrepit money pit, Mona decided to stay on and co-manage it with him. That is, until ABC gave it the thumbs-down, whereupon she returned to living over Angela’s garage.

11. Kick It with the Fly Girls

In early 1991 it was announced that the dance troupe from Fox’s In Living Color would host their own hour-long show. Kick It with the Fly Girls was to be emceed by Shawn Wayans and would feature “top performing rap and hip-hop artists and new acts.” The proposed series only got as far as holding auditions for dancers in New York and Los Angeles.

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Think the networks pulled the plug too early? Would you have watched any of these?

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11 Little-Known Facts About Frank Sinatra

Bill DeMain — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 20:11:16 +0000

1. Traumatic Birth

Born on December 12, 1915, in a Hoboken, New Jersey, apartment, Francis Albert Sinatra was blue and not breathing when he was yanked out of his mother with forceps. Thought to be dead, the infant was laid on the kitchen counter while the doctor attended to his mother. His grandma picked up the newborn, stuck him under some cold water, and little Frank wailed out his first song.

2. Physical Insecurities

Those forceps left their mark on the left side of Sinatra’s face, in the shape of a scar that ran from the corner of his mouth to his jaw line and a cauliflower ear. As a teenager, he was nicknamed “Scarface.” He also suffered a bad case of adolescent acne, which left his cheeks pitted. Self-conscious about his looks as an adult, Sinatra often applied makeup to hide the scars. Even with that, he hated to be photographed on his left side. The physical insecurities didn’t end there. Sinatra also wore elevator shoes to boost his five-seven stature up a few inches.

3. Bad Boy Image

Sinatra’s bad boy image began with his infamous 1938 mug shot. The charge? At a nightclub, one of his girlfriends attacked his wife-to-be Nancy and later had Frank arrested twice – once for seduction and again for adultery.

4. Manufactured Hype

In the 1940s, Frank – or Frankie, as he was then known – became one of America’s first teen idols. Not to take anything away from his amazing voice and his ability to excite the female throngs, but the bobbysoxer craze he incited (so called because the coed fans wore Catholic school-style bobby socks, rolled down to their ankles) had a little help. Sinatra’s publicist George Evans auditioned girls for how loud they could scream, then paid them five bucks and placed them strategically in the audience to help whip up excitement.

5. The House I Live In

In 1945, Sinatra made a short film, The House I Live In, that spoke out against anti-Semitism and racial intolerance. Ironically, a decade later, its liberal slant got him tagged as a Communist sympathizer during the McCarthy trials. Sinatra never testified, but it was more fodder for his already growing FBI file.

6. FBI File

That FBI file had been started by J. Edgar Hoover a few years later after a radio listener wrote to the Bureau, saying, “The other day I turned on a Frank Sinatra program and I thought how easy it would be for certain-minded manufacturers to create another Hitler here in America through the influence of mass hysteria.” Sinatra had also been investigated by the FBI for reportedly paying doctors $40,000 to declare him unfit to serve in the armed services.

7. Introduction of Concept Album & Box Set

In 1946, Sinatra’s debut release, The Voice of Frank Sinatra, helped introduce both the concept album and the box set. At a time when long-playing records were still novel, Sinatra issued a set of 78 rpm records with eight songs, all with a theme of lost love. It sold for a hefty $2.50 (the equivalent of about $30 today). But the price didn’t prevent it from topping the charts for seven weeks. Two years later, it became one of the first-ever pop music vinyl 10″ LPs. Sinatra would later make classic concept albums like Only The Lonely and In The Wee Small Hours for Capitol Records.

8. Suicide Attempts

Frank’s star fell hard in the early 1950s. He was so low that he even attempted suicide. Walking through Times Square, he saw mobs of girls waiting to get into a concert by new singing sensation Eddie Fisher. Feeling washed up, Sinatra went back to his apartment, put his head on the stove, and turned on the gas. Luckily, his manager found him in time, lying on the floor, sobbing. Sinatra made three other suicide attempts, all of them in the throes of his volatile relationship with actress Ava Gardner.

9. The Summit

With his pals Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Joey Bishop, and Peter Lawford, Sinatra led the Vegas clique known as the Rat Pack. The name was coined by actress Lauren Bacall years earlier to describe a Hollywood drinking circle that included her then-husband Humphrey Bogart and Sinatra. The guys in the Rat Pack actually referred to themselves by a different name – The Summit – playing on a 1960 summit meeting in Paris between top world leaders.

10. Signature Drink

James Bond has his martinis, shaken not stirred. And for Ol’ Blue Eyes, the cocktail of choice was a mix of four ice cubes, two fingers of Jack Daniel’s whiskey, and a splash of water. “This is a gentlemen’s drink,” he once said. And if you want to hold the drink like Frank, don’t touch the rim. Cup it in your hand, insulated by a cocktail napkin.

11. New York, New York

Sinatra actually had two hits called “New York, New York.” The first was in 1949, from the film On the Town, and was written by Leonard Bernstein, Adolph Green, and Betty Comden. Thirty years later, Sinatra cut “(Theme From) New York, New York,” by John Kander and Fred Ebb. Originally from Martin Scorsese’s 1977 bomb New York, New York, Sinatra turned it into his signature song and onstage closer. He also angered the lyricist, Ebb, by customizing the words (Sinatra had done this to a few songwriters, most famously Cole Porter), adding the climactic phrase “A-number-one.” In 1993, Sinatra recorded the song again, this time as a duet with Tony Bennett.

11 Bits of Wisdom From Alfred Hitchcock

Colin Perkins — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:11:23 +0000

With a career catalog jam-packed with classics like Vertigo, Psycho, North by Northwest, The 39 Steps and dozens of others, Alfred Hitchcock is one of the most celebrated and revered film directors of all time. One of the great delights of Hitchcock is that he himself could have been a film character; incredibly dry, deadpan, dark and larger than life – both physically and in personality. These 11 quotations illustrate why Hitch was such a delight:

1. On how he paces his films:

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.”

2. On the act of watching television:

“Seeing a murder on television… can help work off one’s antagonisms. And if you haven’t any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.”

3. On the bagpipes:

“I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.”

4. On directing actors:

“When an actor comes to me and wants to discuss his character, I say, ‘It’s in the script.’ If he says, ‘But what’s my motivation?, ‘ I say, ‘Your salary.’”

5. On the role of television:

“One of television’s great contributions is that it brought murder back into the home, where it belongs.”

6. When asked by an actress whether her left or right profile was better:

“My dear, you’re sitting on your best profile.”

7. Hitchcock was famously terrified of police officers. But he also held onto another phobia:

“And then I’m frightened of eggs, worse than frightened; they revolt me. That white round thing without any holes, and when you break it, inside there’s that yellow thing, round, without any holes… Brr! Have you ever seen anything more revolting than an egg yolk breaking and spilling its yellow liquid? Blood is jolly, red. But egg yolk is yellow, revolting. I’ve never tasted it.”

8. On his penchant for casting blondes:

“Blondes make the best victims. They’re like virgin snow that shows up the bloody footprints.”

9. His response to a woman who complained to him that the shower scene in Psycho had caused her daughter to stop showering:

“Then, Madam, I suggest you have her dry cleaned.”

**10. On his disappointment in a murder scene from the film Dial M For Murder:**

“But there wasn’t enough gleam on the scissors, and a murder without gleaming scissors is like asparagus without the hollandaise sauce – tasteless.”

11. Describing a scene that any film fan would want to watch:

“If I were to make another picture in Australia today, I’d have a policeman hop into the pocket of a kangaroo and yell ‘Follow that car!’”

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11 Amazing Thank You Notes Sent by Famous People

11 Amazing Thank You Notes From Famous People

Adrienne Crezo — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:11:32 +0000

Letters of Note is one of our favorite places to hang out. Since 2009 the site has curated hundreds of interesting letters, telegrams, memos and faxes, from famous people, regular people, and even fictional people. We took advantage of their hard work and rounded up these 11 thank you (and one thanks-for-nothing) letters from their archives. And there’s a Letters of Note book in the works — learn more and preorder a copy here.

1. Thank You for the Dream You Sent Me

Once upon a time (1989), a little girl named Amy sent a bottle of colored water, oil and glitter to Roald Dahl, who knew right away that this was a dream in a bottle inspired by his book, The BFG. In response, the author penned this short note to his 7-year-old fan

Dear Amy,

I must write a special letter and thank you for the dream in the bottle. You are the first person in the world who has sent me one of these and it intrigued me very much. I also liked the dream. Tonight I shall go down to the village and blow it through the bedroom window of some sleeping child and see if it works.

With love from,
(Signed)
Roald Dahl

2. Thank You for Keeping Me Safe on the Moon

When your job involves leaving the planet to walk on the nearest rocky body, it’s important that the people who build your equipment do things the right way. The enormity of the Extravehicular Mobility Unit engineering team’s task—that is, building a spacesuit that kept a man safe and alive on the moon—was not lost on Neil Armstrong, who wrote this letter for the 25th anniversary of the lunar landing.

To the EMU gang:

I remember noting a quarter century or so ago that an emu was a 6 foot Australian flightless bird. I thought that got most of it right.

It turned out to be one of the most widely photographed spacecraft in history. That was no doubt due to the fact that it was so photogenic. Equally responsible for its success was its characteristic of hiding from view its ugly occupant.

Its true beauty, however, was that it worked. It was tough, reliable and almost cuddly.

To all of you who made it all that it was, I send a quarter century’s worth of thanks and congratulations.

Sincerely,

(Signed) Neil A. Armstrong

3. Thank You for Asking Me to Your Prom

Remember prom? Nikki Simmons probably won’t forget hers, even though the guy she asked had to politely decline. Seems he’d just gotten married and, honestly, he was probably busy.

Dear Nikki –

Thanks for your very flattering offer. It’s great to know I have such a devoted fan out there, and I’m sure you would make a great prom date (I didn’t go to mine – it’s a very sad story).

Unfortunately, I got married recently and my wife doesn’t allow me to go to proms anymore with cute 16 year old girls. Still, it was very cool of you to ask me. Thanks and have a great evening.

Your Friend,

Conan

4. Thank You for Not Hitting Me

Once upon another time (1974), John Lennon showed up drunk to LA’s Troubadour club and proceeded to heckle the Smothers Brothers during their act. A fight ensued which involved just about everyone, including actress Pam Grier. The next day, she got this letter from Lennon:

Dear Pam,

I apologize for being so rude and thank you for not hitting me.

John Lennon

P.S. Harry Nilsson feels the same way.

5. Thank You for the Champagne

Sometimes less is more.

Dear Mr. von Fuehlsdorff:

Thank you for your champagne.
It arrived, I drank it and I was gayer.
Thanks again.

My best,
Marilyn Monroe

6. Thank You for Including Animals in Your Book

After reading Yann Martel’s book Life of Pi with his daughter, a fan sat down to write this short note of thanks.

Mr. Martel —

My daughter and I just finished reading Life of Pi together. Both of us agreed we prefer the story with animals.

It is a lovely book — an elegant proof of God, and the power of storytelling.

Thank you.

(Signed, ‘Barack Obama’)

7. Thank You for Making a Fine Car

When a product has served you well, it’s always nice to write an appreciative letter to the people who make it. This one allegedly comes from Clyde Barrow, of Bonnie and Clyde notoriety:

Dear Sir: -

While I still have got breath in my lungs I will tell you what a dandy car you make. I have drove Fords exclusivly when I could get away with one. For sustained speed and freedom from trouble the Ford has got ever other car skinned and even if my business hasen’t been strickly legal it don’t hurt enything to tell you what a fine car you got in the V8 -

Yours truly

Clyde Champion Barrow

Legend has it Henry Ford received the letter about a month before Bonnie and Clyde were killed in 1934 while attempting to outrun the police… in a V8-powered Model B Ford. There’s some evidence against the note’s authenticity, but we’re hoping it’s real.

8. Thank You for the Picture

Andy Warhol first printed his Liz series in 1963, but it wasn’t until 1977 that Elizabeth Taylor got her own version of the iconic painting. She didn’t wait 14 years to send Warhol a thank-you:

Dearest Andy

I’m so proud I finally have your “Liz” and thank you for signing it so sweetly to me.

I do love you.

Elizabeth or Liz
(of A.W.’s fame)

9. Thank You for the Music

This is just a little note from an actress to the man who composed the score for her recent film. That’s all.

Dear Henry,

I have just seen our picture – BREAKFAST AT TIFFANY’S – this time with your score.

A movie without music is a little bit like an aeroplane without fuel. However beautifully the job is done, we are still on the ground and in a world of reality. Your music has lifted us all up and sent us soaring. Everything we cannot say with words or show with action you have expressed for us. You have done this with so much imagination, fun and beauty.

You are the hippest of cats – and the most sensitive of composers!

Thank you, dear Hank.

Lots of love
Audrey [Hepburn]

10. Thank You for Coming on Our Show

From hosts Dan Rowan and Dick Martin, a uniquely personal note of thanks to a recent guest on Laugh-In:

11. Thank You for Letting Me Be Your President

Ronald Reagan wrote this touching open letter to the American people in 1994, after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease. The former president lived another ten years.

My fellow Americans,

I have recently been told that I am one of the millions of Americans who will be afflicted with Alzheimer’s disease.

Upon learning this news, Nancy and I had to decide whether as private citizens we would keep this a private matter or whether we would make this news known in a public way.

In the past, Nancy suffered from breast cancer and I had cancer surgeries. We found through our open disclosures we were able to raise public awareness. We were happy that as a result many more people underwent testing. They were treated in early stages and able to return to normal, healthy lives.

So now we feel it is important to share it with you. In opening our hearts, we hope this might promote greater awareness of this condition. Perhaps it will encourage a clear understanding of the individuals and families who are affected by it.

At the moment, I feel just fine. I intend to live the remainder of the years God gives me on this earth doing the things I have always done. I will continue to share life’s journey with my beloved Nancy and my family. I plan to enjoy the great outdoors and stay in touch with my friends and supporters.

Unfortunately, as Alzheimer’s disease progresses, the family often bears a heavy burden. I only wish there was some way I could spare Nancy from this painful experience. When the time comes, I am confident that with your help she will face it with faith and courage.

In closing, let me thank you, the American people, for giving me the great honor of allowing me to serve as your president. When the Lord calls me home, whenever that may be, I will leave the greatest love for this country of ours and eternal optimism for its future.

I now begin the journey that will lead me into the sunset of my life. I know that for America there will always be a bright dawn ahead.

Thank you, my friends. May God always bless you.

Sincerely,

Ronald Reagan

Bonus: The Complete Opposite

Say you’re the drummer for a band and someone writes a bad review of your latest tour. What do you do? If you are in fact Roger Taylor, the drummer for Queen, you write a letter on an airline motion-sickness bag and send it to the editor of Rolling Stone. From 1981:

Your peculiar 1970-time-warp attitude, coupled with an innate, congenital miscomprehension of rock & roll, continues to fascinate and annoy. Thank you, oh thank you, for the pseudopolitical slant and personal dishonesty that you continue to peddle in your outdated, opinionated, down-home rag.

Thanks also for the finely tuned musical assessment of my group from our sound check! Grow up. You invented the bitterness. I pity you. You suck. You are boring and you try to infect us.

Awaiting your charming review of my current album in about eight months!

ROGER TAYLOR
London, England

Now go preorder a copy of the Letters of Note book!

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11 Words With a ‘Q’ But No ‘U’ Acceptable in Words With Friends

Jamie Spatola — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 15:11:21 +0000

At this very moment, someone is Googling “Words With Friends words without vowels,” and there’s a good chance they’ll land on this story I posted last year. If your problem isn’t a lack of vowels but a nagging ‘Q’ (and no ‘U’ to go with it), perhaps one of these words will help.

1. Qwerty/s – the name for a keyboard whose letters are in the standard typewriter arrangement (hence, Q, W, E, R, T, Y in the upper left-hand corner of the letter section).

2. Qi/s – an alternate spelling of “chi.” Much like chi is the vital energy circulating through the body, “qi” is vital to your WWF arsenal. I mentioned this word in my previous two-letter words post but it is worth including here.

3. Qat/s – an alternate spelling of “khat,” which is a white-flowering evergreen shrub found in Africa and the Arab Peninsula. Apparently chewing it is kinda fun – it contains cathinone which is a mild stimulant.

4. Qaid/s – an alternate spelling of “caid,” which is a word for a local governor or leader used most commonly in North Africa and the Muslim state of Al-Andalus (also known as “Moorish Spain”) which existed from 711-1492.

5. Qoph/s – an alternate spelling of “koph,” (alternate spellings are totally trending right now) which is the 19th letter of the Hebrew alphabet.

6. Faqir/s – an alternate spelling of “fakir,” which is a Muslim ascetic who rejects worldly possessions. It has also become a common Hindu word for “beggar.”

7. Qanat/s – an underground tunnel for irrigation used mostly in hot, arid climates. Surprise! There are alternate spellings for this one, too — including kanat, khanat, kunut, kona, konait, ghanat, and ghundat, none of which are accepted in WWF.

8. Tranq/s – short for “tranquilizer.” If you go chomping on too many qat leaves, you may need to be hit up with a tranq.

9. Sheqel – alternately spelled “shekel” (also accepted). The sheqel is the standard monetary unit of Israel but can also refer to any of several ancient units of weight or currency. And, get this, its plural is “sheqalim,” which you are also permitted to use.

10. Qindar/s – a kind of Albanian money valued at 1/100 of a lek. Also spelled “qintar” which is accepted, too.

11. Mbaqanga – a style of South African music. OK, fellow lovers of WWF, this one is actually not accepted, and I’m not sure why that is. It appears to be generally accepted in most Scrabble circles. And imagine how great life could be if it were. Even if we assume no bonus spaces, the total raw point score for this word would be M(4) + B(4) + A (1) +Q(10) + A(1) + N(2) +G(3) + A(1) = 26.

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11 Memorable Novelty Songs

Bill DeMain — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 12:11:32 +0000

From rockin’ ghouls to rollin’ truckers, here are 11 unforgettable novelty songs.

1. “Poisoning Pigeons In The Park” (1959)

Written and Performed by Tom Lehrer

Dr. Demento once called Lehrer “the greatest satirist of the 20th Century.” On this bouncy number, the math professor turned songwriter paints an idyllic portrait of spring, then goes pitch black on couplets like: “When they see us coming the birdies all try and hide / But they still go for peanuts when coated with cyanide.”

2. “Monster Mash” (1962)

Written by Bobby Pickett and Leonard Capizzi
Performed by Bobby Boris Pickett & The Crypt Kickers

Wannabe actor Bobby Pickett had a knack for impersonations, among them Boris Karloff. On weekends, he played in a cover band. One stormy night, Pickett mixed Karloff with “Little Darlin’” by The Diamonds, and “The Monster Mash” was created.

3. “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha-ha” (1966)

Written by Jerry Samuels
Performed by Napoleon XIV

Recording engineer Jerry Samuels once spent eight months in a psychiatric hospital. Apparently the experience left an impression. This monologue of a man driven insane by his badly behaved dog was demented when played forward. And even more so on the B-side, where it’s recorded backwards!

4. “Tiptoe Through the Tulips” (1968)

Written by Al Dubin and Joe Burke
Performed by Tiny Tim

With his wobbly falsetto, dippy looks and beat-up ukulele, Tiny Tim (née Herbert Khaury) was like some time-traveling Vaudeville star. This update of a 1929 tune was his biggest hit. Tim later died of cardiac arrest while singing it on stage at a benefit in 1996.

5. “Convoy” (1975)

Written by William Fries and Louis Davis
Performed by C.W. McCall

As the CB Radio fad swept the country, one C.W. McCall (William Fries’ stage name) lent his drawl to a trucker’s drama loaded full of jargon. “10-4, good buddy” became a national catchphrase.

6. “King Tut” (1978)

Written by Steve Martin
Performed by Steve Martin & the Toot Uncommons

Boy King meets Wild and Crazy Guy. Spoofing the Tutankhamen exhibit that was touring museums in 1978, Martin wrapped every mummy cliché in the book around this hit. Best line: “He had a condo made a stone-ah.”

7. “The Curly Shuffle” (1983)

Written by Peter Quinn
Performed by Jump ‘N’ The Saddle Band

A jumpin’ jive tribute to everyone’s favorite Stooge. After it hit, the Chicago-based bar band was briefly courted by Atlantic Records, who apparently wanted them to come up with a Marx Brothers novelty song. “The Groucho Stoop”?

8. “Eat It” (1984)

Written and Performed by Weird Al Yankovic

Michael Jackson reportedly thought it was amusing enough to grant permission. The first in a long string of charting parody hits for the accordion-playing Yankovic. “Get yourself an egg and beat it.”

9. “The Chanukah Song” (1994)

Written by Adam Sandler, Lewis Morton and Ian Maxtone-Graham
Performed by Adam Sandler

After Sandler debuted his holiday song on SNL in December 1994, he went on to record three separate versions over the next decade, including one for the soundtrack of his film Eight Crazy Nights. And his list of Jewish celebrity shout-outs grew, taking in everyone from David Lee Roth to Debra Messing.

10. “Who Let The Dogs Out” (2000)

Written by Anslem Douglas
Performed by Baha Men

Who let the dogs out? You might want to blame Alex Rodriguez.

The director of promotions for the Seattle Mariners first played the Baha Men song at a Major League game as a joke on backup catcher Joe Oliver. A-Rod was there, and unfortunately, he liked the tune. Rodriguez requested that stadium officials play the song as his batter introduction music, and soon, ballparks around the nation were blaring “Who Let the Dogs Out?” over their loudspeakers.

11. “Bowie’s In Space” (2006)

Written by Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement
Performed by Flight of the Conchords

After New Zealand’s fourth most popular folk duo receive some counseling from an apparition of David Bowie, they sing this parody tribute. Best line: “I’m jamming out with the Mick Jagger-nauts / Ooh, and they think it’s pretty cool.”

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11 Items in Van Halen’s Contract Rider (Including No Brown M&Ms)

Chris Higgins — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 05:11:52 +0000

Van Halen is back! Featuring David Lee Roth and three Van Halens, the band has reunited for a North American tour, and their new record was released just three days ago. So I thought I’d take a look back at the band’s infamous early-1980s tour rider*, the document that specified no brown M&Ms, among many other things.

First a historical note: the “no brown M&Ms” thing was actually a business strategy (this has been discussed on This American Life and confirmed by David Lee Roth). The complexity of the show — with its massive lights, sound system, rigging, and dozens of crew members — required attention to detail, or the show would be in jeopardy…and so might people’s lives: the gear was sufficiently heavy that it could destroy floors that weren’t strong enough, and we’re talking about serious electrical requirements too. By embedding hyper-specific details in their contract, Van Halen and its tour managers created a way to spot-check the attentiveness of the venue. As someone who has worked as a front of house engineer, I can attest that many bands have riders containing specific clauses like this, and they are there for a reason: because the venue signs a contract agreeing to provide x, y, and z services. If “z” is “no brown M&Ms” but “y” is “sufficient electricity to power our lighting system,” it’s crucial that every spot be thoroughly examined. So, with that out of the way, let’s have some fun.

1. Salt & Pepper, on Penalty of $100 Fine

Part of the “Misc.” clause of the “Dinner” section reads: “Salt & Pepper (any caterer not providing adequate condiments, utensils, or ice will be subject to a $100.00 fine.)” Oddly, the rest of the dinner menu doesn’t mention any condiments aside from salt and pepper, so we must assume the boys really liked to shake it up. (Later, under “Supplies,” it is specified that salt and pepper must be provided “in shakers.”)

2. Six (6) Gallons Chocolate Milk

Throughout the contract, meals are specified in great detail. In total, I found six gallons of chocolate milk (not including the many gallons of regular and whole milk necessary for the crew). The contract also requests fruit [sic] loops.

3. Three (3) fifths Jack Daniels Black Label bourbon, Two (2) fifths Stolichnaya vodka, One (1) pint Southern Comfort, Two (2) bottles Blue Nun white wine

“NOTE: These drinks to be served at room temperature.”

4. Two (2) gallons non-carbonated, bottled spring water, One (1) bottle Rose’s Lime Juice, grapefruit juice, apple juice, grape juice, Twelve (12) bottles Perrier, Eight (8) quarts Gatorade (non-carbonated, lime flavor), various soda pop

Presumably to be served as mixers. A note on the “Food Requirements (Band)” section, which mentions all of the above booze and mixers, also says: “When not specified, quantities should be sufficient for four (4) people.” I refer to the previous list including five fifths of vodka and bourbon, a pint of whiskey, and two bottles of wine…sufficient for four (4) people, of course.

5. M&Ms (WARNING: ABSOLUTELY NO BROWN ONES)

The idea here was to get some poor caterer to pick through the M&Ms and remove the brown ones, so the band or producer could glance at the bowl, verify no brown, and feel good — if brown candies were present, all hell would (and did) break loose (read the Snopes article for one first-hand account of what David Lee Roth did when he spotted this problem, among others, at one venue). Note that directly beneath this requirement, in the section labeled “Munchies,” are requirements for Twelve (12) Reese’s peanut butter cups, and Twelve (12) assorted Dannon yogurt (on ice).

6. Ten (10) dozen doughnuts

For breakfast and lunch, the crew required a large quantity of doughnuts. I recall working a gig where doughnuts were referred to as FTUs, or Fat Transfer Units.

7. One (1) large tube KY Jelly

I can really only speculate what this was for. It certainly couldn’t have been related to the requirement for “one (1) day bed” to be provided in the “Band Room.” Nope, it was probably for surgical use, as Wikipedia suggests. Yeah, that’s the ticket!

8. A pleasant temperature

The rider repeatedly discusses temperature, insisting that various rooms and spaces be heated or air-conditioned to “maintain a pleasant temperature.” While this demand isn’t outlandish at all, it’s interesting that it had to be specified three times in order to stick — I’m guessing the band encountered some venues that were of an unpleasant temperature! Oddly, the “Crew Room” was specified to be at only a “comfortable temperature.”

There is also mention of a “Tuning Room” which is used to tune stringed instruments. It has a specific requirement that the room be kept at a temperature identical to that of the stage, plus or minus 5 degrees F. While this may seem persnickety to non-musicians, it’s crucial to proper tuning of instruments — a significant temperature change can cause a guitar or bass to expand or contract, going out of tune in the process.

9. Herring in sour cream

Under the otherwise unremarkable “Deli Tray” section, the band specifies this rather particular item. Herring and rock ‘n roll clearly taste great together. Oh yeah, and it should be provided in quantities sufficient for four (4) people.

10. Five and one half (5 1/2) cases of Coke

The soft drinks specified in the rider are remarkable. Over the course of the day, at least 5.5 cases of Coke are required, but there are also calls for 6.5 cases of 7-Up, 1/2 case Tab diet soda, 1 case Pepsi (heresy!), 1 case Country Time lemonade, “assorted other soft drinks,” and endless requirements for many gallons of orange juice. The crew dinner alone calls for 6 gallons of “various juices, including orange juice.”

11. Beer!!!

The section marked “Food Requirements (Crew)” says “NOTE: No beer to be provided until dinner at 6:00 p.m.” Clearly, someone had learned a lesson. In all, the rider calls for five (5) cases of beer prior to the show, three of those Budweiser and two Heineken. Additionally, the band required four (4) cases Schlitz Malt Liquor (16 ounce cans) just for themselves. (Note that the five cases of beer appear to be mostly for the massive crew; the Schlitz and booze are another matter.)

* = What’s a Rider?

A rider is a portion of a contract in which the performer lays out a series of requirements (like food, stage space, electricity, etc.) necessary in order to perform. Riders are part of the contract the venue signs with the performer, and thus have some legal weight. In practice, many venues (at least the ones where I worked in the ’90s) are somewhat lax on the specifics of most riders, though we did tend to read them and make an effort — if the thing said “deli tray” we’d go buy a deli tray. You can read a bunch of riders from The Smoking Gun to get an idea of what these documents are like.

mental_floss » Lists

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