Some of you might recall a post of mine last summer wherein I admitted I worked as a spy for ASCAP. In the post I reported how I’d been paid to shut down strip clubs that weren’t paying their ASCAP licensing fees. With a hidden Dictaphone and a thick wad of singles, my partner and I were contracted to notate each and every song played so that later, after we faxed the exceedingly long list to ASCAP’s NY headquarters, the company would be able to check them against their database. Each song registered with ASCAP was another nail in the club’s coffin.

So why was this the worst job I ever had? After all, I was helping musicians earn a living. After all, I was paid rather handsomely. After all, there were topless women gamboling about the workplace. What 21-year-old college boy could argue with all that?

This one could, because every work night I came home sick and stinking from cigarette smoke – to a degree that makes me ill all over again just thinking about it so many years later. I had to peel the contact lenses off my irritated eyeballs and take seven showers to get the stench out of my hair. I had to upchuck the secondhand smoke into the toilet and run behind my dorm (sometimes in the snow) to hang my pants, shirt, even my underwear outside for a week just to get them to a semi-neutral place where I could even re-approach them to put them in the laundry.

Maybe it was me; maybe I was allergic to smoke. Maybe men who frequented strip clubs smoked more than their counterparts down the road at the local tavern. Whatever the reason, I never failed to get sick and eventually had to quit because my lungs couldn’t take it anymore.

But enough complaining. What about you? What’s the worst job you ever had and why?

Browse past Office Rat-A-Tats here >>

Years ago I worked in a cubicle next to a woman who played gospels tunes at a ridiculous volume on her computer all the day long. After complaining to mid-level management, I was moved to a different bank of cubicles, only to discover that my new neighbor not only kept a radio on her desk playing from morning to night, she also sang along. Oh joy.

And as annoying as her voice was (it had the tessitura and rapture of a power drill), even more annoying was the fact that I’d find my emails and memos littered with whatever lyric she was singing, as if they’d somehow worked their way into my consciousness and forced themselves out through my fingers, rather than my tapping toe or vox box.

A memorandum to our facility manager on the installation of a new security system in the server room wound up going something like this:

Frank,

Please be advised that our team has located the east bay corridor track and tagged it with proper I.D. for the scheduled installation on Monday morning, Monday morning couldn’t guarantee that Monday evening you would still be here with me.

Eventually, I moved out of cubicle city and landed a job with a real office and a door that kept the locals’ soundtrack out of my life. And, yes, I’ll admit it, ever since, I do find myself now and then tuning into the radio online, or popping in a CD on the job, with my door closed, of course.

At my wife’s architecture firm, everyone listens to music at his/her computer. They even have iTunes on a common server so they can listen to each other’s music. But they’re all into big, expensive headphones that keep the music in their own, respective ears. And if any one starts singing along, that person is blindfolded and shot between the eyes. (Well, at least in theory.)

My question to you all is: Is it okay to play music in the office? If so, what music??? Which tunes enable you to get through your difficult days with grace and efficiency?

RPPRs (Related Past Posts that ROCKED!)

Though they weren’t official Office Rat-a-Tat posts, they might as well have been: Higgins’ wonderful post a couple weeks back on Annoying Office Interruptions and Ransom’s totally clever post on Work Incentives. Check ‘em out if you missed ‘em.

And check out all the official past Office Rat-A-Tats here>>

One of the big differences I’ve found between working in an office in New York and L.A., is what people wear to work. Maybe because it’s a much older city, or maybe because it’s the business capital of the world, but New York dress codes are a bit more conservative, a bit more old school than L.A. where “business casual” now seems to include overpriced, designer sneakers.

Jeans have been de rigueur in the workplace here for some time—other than a select group of film/tv agents, almost nobody in L.A. is required to wear a suit and tie. Even the Wall Streeters here can get away with business casual most days.

At my office, one of the more conservative orgs in the city, we’re business casual 4 days a week and casual-casual on Fridays, which is supposed to mean jeans that haven’t been distressed and a nice pair of shoes but that doesn’t stop some from wearing inappropriately short skirts and Uggs.
I’m not sure how you all feel about Uggs in the workplace, but I can tell you, they certainly wouldn’t have been tolerated even 20 years ago. A cursory look at the last 10 decades of office attire history reveals the following:

Early 1900s: Men were all about frock coats, vests, watch fobs, and, of course, the old top hat.

1920s: Wristwatches were issued to men in the army during World War I. When the soldiers came back from the war, they went on wearing those wristwatches, doing away with fobs, but, more interestingly, vests, too. Why wear an uncomfortable vest if you don’t have to put your fob in it? Also, the stiff, starched detachable collar was still popular around this time, but softer ones that—look out!—attached to the shirt were gaining in popularity. (more…)

I’m feeling lazy today. Thought I’d present the following hypothesis, excerpted almost word-for-word from my novel Behind Everyman.

Hypothesis: A person’s standing at a firm is inversely proportional to the manner in which he/she types his/her internal e-mail and the amount of words employed.

For instance, here’s an e-mail the average employee (Everyman)might write to a cohort:

Good morning gentlemen,
After reading over your proposal for a new recurring conference call on Monday mornings with IT, I can assure you that our team is ready to give the green light so long as you loop back with Carl Tomkins.
Many thanks in advance,
EM

And now, the same e-mail written by a Vice President:

Gentlemen,
Re: new recurring conference call on Monday mornings with IT—our team is ready to give the green light so long as you loop back with Tomkins.
Thanks,
VP

And the same e-mail by a Senior Vice President:

Re: conference call with IT—ready to give green light so long as you loop back with Tomkins.
SVP

And, lastly, the Managing Director’s e-mail:

fine Just be sure to loop back with Carl

Note how the Managing Director’s sentences have no regard for punctuation, do away with all salutations completely and rarely take up more than one line.

When I was on book tour in support of the novel, a few people commented in support of my hypothesis. What’s been your experience?

Yes, I’ve posted about this subject in the past. But here’s the thing: the debate is ever fascinating and always changing. Since our last foray, Apple switched over to Intel chips. They’re also able to run many PC programs via Virtual PC. Apple has also taken a larger, er, byte out of the market share, now owning about 5%.

So it’s worth exploring once more, especially as it relates to work. In my office, for instance, most of us have PCs, except the art directors, who have Macs. (At home, my wife and I have both platforms, though I use our Mac almost exclusively.)

My boss has been pushing for Macs all around, but our IT dept claims they’re more difficult to maintain, protect, and update. I say this is a bunch of hooey. I say, what it really comes down to is price. Imagine the discount HP gave my non-profit when the order came in for 200 units. Apple doesn’t really shave much off bulk orders, even for dot.orgs, and let’s face it, Macs are a pantload more expensive to begin with… so… it makes economical sense to go with HP.

My hunch is PCs are also easier to service, making them better suited for most large offices. My hunch is, we’re actually leasing our PCs, and when one goes down, a clone is swapped in at little-to-no extra cost. So I get it. I also get that Outlook is easier to sync with a BlackBerry, or at least my IT guys tell me.

And don’t get me wrong, the PC I use at the office is perfectly adequate and mostly reliable. Still, every time I pass through the art directors’ wing, and see those 20+” cinema displays, I do start to salivate a little.

What about you all? Where do you stand on Mac VS PC in the office? Which one is better and why?

Past Office Rat-A-Tats:

Dangerous Jobs

America’s 10 Worst-Paying Jobs

When typos get in the way

Is it okay to steal from your office?

From our last Rat-A-Tat on typos, we move to lifted office supplies, or, as one of my colleagues likes to call them, “office perks.” I’d be surprised if you told me you’ve never taken anything from your office for your own, personal use. We all do it. The real question is: where do you draw the line? Surely bringing in your receipts around tax-time and making a couple photocopies isn’t real theft, is it? Or how about stapling those receipts together before you bring them back home? Is one staple reason enough to put you behind bars–one, little, eensy weensy staple?

But what about those who take home packets of Post-Its? Or a ream of paper for their home printers? Are these part of the perk-package? After all, what if everyone in the office took half-a-box of padded envelopes home every year? What would that cost the firm? Does management just assume this is going on and work it into the cost of doing business? Any senior managers care to chime in?

I have an especial affinity for office supplies. Love them when they’re new and crisp, and unused, especially. One of my favorite days at work is the last thursday of every other month when our office manager arrives with all the goodies we’ve ordered. Just the smell of those supplies makes me smile. Do I have a favorite supply, I hear you wondering? I sure do! A new box of the best red pens on the market: the PaperMate FlexGrip “Ultra” (med. point).

More office rat-a-tat: for those enthusiasts, The Office starts up again on Thursday this week! Anyone care to guess what’s going to happen this season between Jim and Pam?

(more…)

I thought we’d take a break from the most dangerous and worst-paying type job posts and delve into something that has followed me around my office career like the boogieman on an unlit street in the dark of winter (okay, a little poetic hyperbole folks, but still…): the dreaded typo.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve proofed and re-proofed memos, letters and emails to my higher-ups trying to smoke out a there for a their, or a your for a you’re, a where for a wear, a four for, um, a for.

Interestingly, have you ever noticed how communiqués from superiors, on the other hand, especially presidents and senior vice-presidents, show no sign of proofing? Like typos don’t matter when the memo is being sent down from above? What’s with that? Why the double-standards? They expect you to be on your typing game, but they’re free to type with their feet if they want.

Anyone want to comment about that funny (not) fact?

In other typo news, did anyone catch the humorous NASA misprint a couple months ago when the shuttle Endeavour (named after HM Bark Endeavour, the ship commanded by 18th century explorer James Cook, if you’re wondering why the British spelling) was rolled out with a banner that read “Go Endeavor!”? Okay, an easy typo because it’s not the way we are used to spelling the word. NASA’s sign-dept. quickly ran out with a reprinted version, as you see in the photos.

(more…)

In my last Office Rat-A-Tat, I looked at America’s most dangerous jobs. Today, we’re discussing low-paying gigs of the worst kind because my lowest-paying job was also my dullest:

Yes, I was the geek reshelving VHS and BETA boxes at your local, pre-Blockbuster mom-and-pop operation. (Did he say BETA? Anyone else remember that dinosaur?) It paid less than minimum wage, but the owners knew my parents and it was one of the few after-school jobs I could bike to. True, I got to take home movies on the weekends for free. True, there was ample downtime, freeing my mind to work on song lyrics about what an ass of a job I had. And true, the video store abutted a pizza parlor named Roccos that had a Space Invaders machine (what could be better?).

But the job was mindless work, better suited for farm animals or perhaps the responsibility-challenged. That it paid anything at all was a mystery to me.

Below I’ve posted Forbes’ 10 lowest-paying jobs from a list of 25 (#25 is gas station attendants, who make a mean annual wage of $19,150). I’d love to hear a story about YOUR lowest-paying job ever (hopefully it isn’t the one you’re doing now…)

1. Cooks, fast food: Mean Annual Wage: $15,960
2. Dishwashers: Mean Annual Wage: $16,190 (more…)

A couple weeks back I posted on one terribly humiliating job I had back in college and asked you to comment on your worst job ever. Thanks for all the wonderful remarks… I definitely feel humbled now (read: glad I’m not the only loser out there).

Today, I’m looking at jobs again: the country’s most dangerous jobs. According to a recent article in Forbes: “For the second straight year, fishing and related activities topped the fatality list, with 142 deaths per 100,000 workers. Slips and overboard falls continue to wreak havoc on some commercial fishing boats off the coasts of Alaska, Massachusetts and other seaboard areas.” After fishermen, we have pilots and aircraft engineers, with a rate of 88 per 100,000 employees.

As you might expect, 92% of all work-related deaths happened to men, not women. The article also revealed some good news, rather cheerily (!): homicides at the workplace were down to 516, the lowest total in 12 years (compare that to 585 murders in 1999). Whooohoooo!

Agricultural workers busy in the fields accounted for 158 work-related deaths last year. Hit hardest in that sector were Wyoming, Alaska, North Dakota and Montana, earning them a proud share of the dubious title “The 4 most dangerous states for workers.”

For me, the only dangerous encounter I’ve ever had at my desk here in LA or NYC was when I accidentally spilled the insides of a dying toner cartridge all over the CFO’s brand new suit. Wasn’t pretty I tell you.
Any danger involved with your job? My new feature—Office Rat-A-Tat—starts now!