Photo credit: NBC

Entertainment gossip rags are all abuzz discussing the pros and cons of a possible Dwight Schrute (of The Office fame) spinoff TV series. No doubt the producers and agents involved are too blinded by dollar signs to take the time to examine the fates of previous spinoff shows based on “can’t miss” popular characters. We hereby submit 11 such shows that barely made it past the drawing board.

1. W*A*L*T*E*R

This M*A*S*H spinoff had as complicated a broadcast history as plot backstory. Gary Burghoff, who’d played the loveable Cpl. Radar O’Reilly at the 4077, provided a bit of background for his upcoming solo series during a special guest appearance on an episode of yet another ill-fated spinoff, AfterM*A*S*H. There we learned that Radar’s (oops – he made it clear in the pilot that his name was “Walter”) farm had failed and he’d shipped his mom off to live with an aunt. He’d married a woman named Sandy who left him for another man during their honeymoon. He now lived in St. Louis with his cousin and was a rookie cop on the local police force. The first episode showed hapless, naïve Walter exhibiting typical Radar-like behavior, such as getting embarrassed when breaking up a fight at a strip club, and buying a soda for a kid he falsely accused of committing a crime. The pilot episode of W*A*L*T*E*R aired just once (on July 17th, 1984; the series was not picked up), and only in the Eastern and Central time zones thanks to CBS affiliates cutting to live coverage of the 1984 Democratic National Convention at 9:00pm.

2. Facts of Life: Next Generation

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Matt Groening created “The Simpsons,” and as we all know, Homer Simpson is the patriarch of the family. Well, Homer was the name of Matt’s dad too…but he wasn’t a doofus. The late Homer Groening was a documentary filmmaker, a WWII pilot, and a writer, among other things. Today I thought I’d share with you one of Homer’s films from 1969, “Basic Brown, Basic Blue,” a trippy, rambling meditation on color, which eventually devolves into shots of people swimming, including an extended digression on ladies in bikinis. Oh, Homer.

You can also download the film from Archive.org, which includes the catalogue note:

Ever wonder how Matt Groening of ‘The Simpsons’ got his quirky sense of humor? Probably from his filmmaker dad, Homer Groening, who passed away in 1996. Although known for his documentaries, Homer Groening directed and narrated this film, ostensibly about color, but filled with an ongoing series of bikini-clad bathing beauties. The film is perhaps best viewed as a graphic artifact that will interest media historians seeking additional insight into the elements that influenced the cartoonist.

There’s also an incomplete list of other films by Homer, including the swimsuit-themed “Tag” from 1966, described: “A training film for salesgirls in swimwear departments. Uses underwater swimming scenes to explain that information about swimsuits is given on the tags.” Ahem.

You can read a bit more about the Groening family,

Trivia note: Matt Groening also has a son named Homer, but he apparently goes by “Will.” Also, Matt’s mother is named Margaret and his sisters are Lisa, Maggie, and Patty. I have found no record of a “Bart” in Matt’s immediate family, so we’ll have to assume that Matt is Bart.

In 1984, Apple defined the Super Bowl Commercial as a cultural phenomenon. Prior to Super Bowl XVIII, nobody watched the game “just for the commercials” — but one epic TV spot, directed by sci-fi legend Ridley Scott, changed all that. Read on for the inside story of the commercial that rocked the world of advertising, even though Apple’s Board of Directors didn’t want to run it at all.

The Ad

If you haven’t seen it, here’s a fuzzy YouTube version:

Why 1984 Won’t Be Like 1984

The tagline “Why 1984 Won’t Be Like ’1984′” references George Orwell’s 1949 novel 1984, which envisioned a dystopian future, controlled by a televised “Big Brother.” The tagline was written by Brent Thomas and Steve Hayden of the ad firm Chiat\Day in 1982, and the pair tried to sell it to various companies (including Apple, for the Apple II computer) but were turned down repeatedly. When Steve Jobs heard the pitch in 1983, he was sold — he saw the Macintosh as a “revolutionary” product, and wanted advertising to match. Jobs saw IBM as Big Brother, and wanted to position Apple as the world’s last chance to escape IBM’s domination of the personal computer industry. The Mac was scheduled to launch in late January of 1984, a week after the Super Bowl. IBM already held the nickname “Big Blue,” so the parallels, at least to Jobs, were too delicious to miss.

Thomas and Hayden wrote up the story of the ad: we see a world of mind-controlled, shuffling men all in gray, staring at a video screen showing the face of Big Brother droning on about “information purification directives.” A lone woman clad in vibrant red shorts and a white tank-top (bearing a Mac logo) runs from riot police, dashing up an aisle towards Big Brother. Just before being snatched by the police, she flings a sledgehammer at Big Brother’s screen, smashing him just after he intones “We shall prevail!” Big Brother’s destruction frees the minds of the throng, who quite literally see the light, flooding their faces now that the screen is gone. A mere eight seconds before the one-minute ad concludes, a narrator briefly mentions the word “Macintosh,” in a restatement of that original tagline: “On January 24th, Apple Computer will introduce Macintosh. And you’ll see why 1984 won’t be like ’1984.’” An Apple logo is shown, and then we’re out — back to the game.

In 1983, in a presentation about the Mac, Jobs introduced the ad to a cheering audience of Apple employees:

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David J. Peterson is one of many conlangers: people who invent languages. His most recent work is the Dothraki tongue shown in HBO’s “Game of Thrones”; the spoken language had to be invented for TV because it’s rendered in English in the “Song of Ice and Fire” novels. It turns out that the word of conlangers is just what you’d think it is: very geeky, full of highly-educated people, and surprisingly populous — I wouldn’t be surprised if we had conlangers in the mental_floss readership (if we do, perhaps you can tell me if ‘conlanged’ is an appropriate past-tense for the verb ‘conglang’). For specific languages, there are fan sites — Lekh Dothraki is devoted to Dothraki, and of course the Klingon Language Institute claims that Klingon is “the fastest growing language in the galaxy.” (There’s even a Klingon Language Version of the World English Bible — while not a translation per se, it’s…something.)

Recently the New York Times profiled Mr. Peterson, taking the opportunity to examine the broader conlanger culture. Of course, this activity has been going on for centuries, but now it’s a legitimate job. From the NYT piece:

“The days of aliens spouting gibberish with no grammatical structure are over,” said Paul R. Frommer, professor emeritus of clinical management communication at the University of Southern California who created Na’vi, the language spoken by the giant blue inhabitants of Pandora in “Avatar.” Disney recently hired Mr. Frommer to develop a Martian language called Barsoomian for “John Carter,” a science-fiction movie to arrive in March.

The shift is slowly transforming the obscure hobby of language construction into a viable, albeit rare, career and engaging followers of fantasies like “Lord of the Rings,” “Game of Thrones” and “Avatar” on a more fanatical level.

At “Game of Thrones” viewing parties in San Francisco, fans rewatched Dothraki scenes to study the language in a workshop-like setting. Last October, a group of Na’vi speakers from half a dozen countries convened in Sonoma County, Calif., for a gathering known as “Teach the Teachers.” Mr. Frommer gave attendants tips on grammar and vocabulary and fielded any questions they had about the language. The rural, wooded setting felt “almost like being on Pandora,” he said. At a question-and-answer session in July that he participated in, at least a dozen attendants rattled off their questions in fluent Na’vi.

“There’s been a sea change in Hollywood. They realize there’s a fan base out there that wants constructed languages,” said Matt Pearson, a linguistics professor at Reed College in Portland, Ore. He created Thhtmaa (pronounced tukhh-t’-mah), the language of termite-like aliens in the short-lived NBC series “Dark Skies.”

Read the rest for an excellent look into this awesomely geeky subculture, to listen to clips of translated Dothraki sentences, and for this trivia tidbit:

…Suzette Haden Elgin created Láaden as a language better suited for expressing women’s points of view. (Láaden has a word, “bala,” that means “I’m angry for a reason but nothing can be done about it.”)

If you want to hire Mr. Peterson and his associates, the Language Creation Society has very reasonable rates — starting at under $1,000, you could have your very own (and very basic) language. See also: Dothraki.com, the official site of “a language of fire and blood.”

Most Star Wars fans are at least peripherally aware of the Star Wars Holiday special, but almost no one has seen it because it was never released on home video. The special aired on November 17, 1978. Ever since then, everyone involved has been trying to forget about it, destroy it, or at least deny that they did it willingly. But today, dear readers, you’ll get a taste of how bad it really was.

(Plot note: the special revolves around a holiday called “Life Day” which is a sort of intergalactic version of Thanksgiving; Wikipedia has a full plot description, including the unforgettable line: “When the cartoon finishes, Lumpy works to create a translation device from his Amorphian machine that will fool the Imperials into returning to their base by faking their commander’s voice. To do so, he first must watch the manual for the device, being presented by a malfunctioning, incompetent robot (Harvey Korman again).”)

If you like this, don’t miss Wikipedia on the canonicity of the special.

Here’s Your Daddy

In this clip, Han Solo and Chewie have saved the day (spoiler alert!). It is, as Merlin Mann pointed out, brutal. Lots of awkward hugging and unearned cross-species affection.

Happy Life Day

A bunch of moaning, groaning Wookiees wander around, then there’s some more bizarre unearned “we’re all family” stuff. And then Princess Leia sings a song! There is so, so much wrong with this on so many levels.

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As you gather together with friends and family, why not crank up the old YouTube Yule Log? It’s easier than putting together a real fire, and you can always start it over when the flames die down! I’ve gathered some of my favorite virtual fireplaces below — I recommend clicking through to YouTube and going to HD for the best effect (and best audio — the crackling and roaring sounds are key to a good yule log!).

If you’re looking for a DVD or Blu-Ray yule log, there’s actually a thriving market out there — I can personally recommend HD Moods: FIRE (Blu-ray) — it has excellent audio, and they keep changing out the logs (to keep the fire roaring), but use clever cross-fades so it’s very subtle when the change happens. (Also, for you camera nerds, that Blu-ray video was shot with a RED Camera®.) Enjoy!

The Original WPIX Yule Log

The quality here isn’t great. But the WPIX Yule Log is the original TV yule log! See Kara’s post on More Not-So-Famous Christmas Firsts for this log’s history, including the true story of how this shot set a carpet on fire — always use your protective fire screens, people!

Aspen and Spruce – 15 Min

This 720p video shows roaring flames from aspen and spruce logs, along with a distinctive popcorn-like crackling and popping sound. I love the roar of the flames pulling air into the fireplace!

Unidentified Logs – 20 Min

Another 720p video, showing a merry fire.

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Holiday episodes tend to be a bit generic. How many times can you rework A Christmas Carol or The Gift of the Magi into a sitcom plot? Here are a smattering of episodes worth mentioning either because they’re rare, different or just because we like them.

1. A Very Special Bewitched

Bewitched had many traditional Christmas episodes during its eight season run, but 1970′s “Sisters at Heart” was controversial enough to require a special introduction by Elizabeth Montgomery at the behest of the show’s sponsor, Oscar Mayer:

The plot that was making the network so jumpy was young Tabitha’s desire to be sisters with her African-American friend, Lisa. In order to make them look alike, Tabby zaps black polka dots onto her flesh, and white ones on Lisa’s. No doubt the episode would still be controversial today, thanks to Tabitha’s brief appearance in blackface. The original story was submitted by a 10th grade English class at L.A.’s Thomas Jefferson High School.

2. Whoa, Jablonsky!

It’s Christmas time at the Bundy house, which means Al is feeling more depressed than ever: “The stockings were hung round Dad’s neck like a tie, along with a note that said ‘Presents or Die.’” (more…)

For some people, the Christmas season doesn’t officially start until A Charlie Brown Christmas is on. Who out there doesn’t picture Snoopy dancing joyfully with his nose in the air whenever they hear the familiar strains of that jazzy piano music? Interestingly enough, this Christmas staple started out as an afterthought.

The Original Dog-umentary

Back in 1963, TV producer Lee Mendelson had the idea to make a documentary film about cartoonist Charles Schulz and his popular Peanuts comic strip. Schulz agreed, and collaborated with animator Bill Melendez to create two minutes of the first-ever animated Peanuts footage. The rest of the special featured “Sparky” Schulz in his studio, driving his kids to school, and even bowling a few frames. Songwriter Vince Guaraldi agreed to write some original music for the special, and the first composition he came up with was an incredibly catchy tune he called “Linus and Lucy.”

The Peanuts documentary never sold, but one of the interested advertisers included Coca-Cola. Executives from the soft drink giant asked Mendelson if he’d be interested in putting together an animated Peanuts Christmas special. Within a few days, Mendelson and Schulz had the outline of a script ready, with notes like “sad Christmas tree,” “school play,” and “ice skating” scribbled in the margins. The “Lucy and Linus” song was resurrected for use in a scene that featured the characters dancing at their play rehearsal, and a choir of children were gathered from a Bay Area (California) church to record vocals for “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”

Why Snoopy Gets all the Action Scenes

When it came to actually producing the special, Charlie Brown was truly a problem child. Unlike most of the other characters, Chuck’s head was completely round, which made it difficult for the animators to turn and indicate movement from side to side. Snoopy, on the other hand, was the easiest character to manipulate, which is why they had fun making him do everything from the jitterbug to impersonating a vulture.

The Blockheads at CBS Hate It (then change their minds)

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Prolific character actor Harry Morgan has left us after a brief bout with pneumonia. Depending upon your age, you might remember Morgan as Pete Porter, the next-door neighbor on December Bride (a role that he played so well he was given a spin-off series, Pete and Gladys) or as the comic foil to straight-laced Jack Webb on Dragnet. Or perhaps you’ve only ever seen him in his Emmy Award-winning role as Col. Sherman Potter on M*A*S*H. If that’s the case, it would behoove you to consult IMDb and check out Morgan’s vast body of work over the years, both in film and on television. In the meantime, here are a few fast, fun facts about the actor born Harry Bratsburg 96 years ago:

Old School

Morgan was born in Detroit but grew up in Muskegon, Michigan, on the western coast of the Mitten. He graduated from Muskegon High School in 1933 and then left the state to attend college in Chicago. He only returned to Muskegon once, in 1978, to film a TV commercial for Lifesavers candy. It was part of a series of ads showing stars returning to their home towns (Suzanne Somers was featured in one) and reminiscing. For whatever reason, Morgan’s commercial only aired once, during an episode of Happy Days.

(COOL PERSONAL ANECDOTE: A friend of mine was a senior at Muskegon High in 1978 and was lucky enough to have been chosen to appear briefly with Morgan in the commercial.)

Homey Touches

Harry Morgan was married to actress Eileen Detchon for 45 years, until her death in 1985. That photo that Col. Potter kept on his desk of his wife “Mildred”? It was really a photo of Eileen. Bill Gannon’s oft-mentioned wife on Dragnet was named “Eileen.” On the wall in Col. Potter’s office are many paintings and drawings, one of which is a child’s sketch of a horse. The artist of that piece was Jeremy Morgan, Harry’s eldest grandchild. And the steed on which Potter trotted off on in the “Goodbye, Farewell and Amen” M*A*S*H finale was one of Morgan’s own, brought in from the Santa Rosa ranch where he raised quarter horses.
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Becoming a comedic icon doesn’t happen overnight. It takes years and years of hard work. In some cases, this means paying your dues as the low-level member of a sitcom writing staff – a rite of passage for many successful comics, actors and directors. Here are 11 notable examples.

1. Norm Macdonald: Roseanne
The deadpan comic best known for Dirty Work and a controversial stint behind the SNL Weekend Update anchor desk only stayed on staff of the blue collar comedy long enough to write two episodes – including one about DJ turning into a pee-wee hockey thug.

2. Larry David: Saturday Night Live
The hilariously abrasive co-creator of Seinfeld and creator of Curb Your Enthusiasm previously worked as a writer for SNL. Frustrated his sketches weren’t making it onto the show, he quit and walked out on the gig one day, only to return shortly afterward pretending that it never happened. If that sounds familiar to you, it’s probably because the character George did the very same thing years later on an episode of Seinfeld.

3. Judd Apatow: The Critic
Before creating Freaks and Geeks, The 40-Year Old Virgin or Knocked Up, Apatow penned a handful of episodes of the the Jon Lovitz show The Critic – and even stepped in when the show needed a good impression of Jay Leno. (more…)