Name-dropping:
Vladimir Ilyich Lenin (VLAD-uh-meer EEL-itch LEN-in) (1870–1924):
Russian Revolutionary whose Bolshevik Revolution would, many decades later, lead to the classic Nintendo game Rush ’n Attack, as well as several James Bond movies, the nuclear arms race, and Baby Boomers spending their childhood cowering beneath their school desks during nuclear preparedness drills. In short, he changed the world.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
When you’re hanging around with communists or capitalists. Lenin is like a box of chocolates: You can pretty much find whatever you’re looking for in his story.

The Basics
Born Vladimir Ulyanov, the man who would be Lenin came to hate the Russian monarchy early: When he was just 17, his older brother was hanged for conspiring to assassinate Czar Alexander III. Like a lot of people who would go on to do horrible things, Lenin became a lawyer, but rather than practice law he immediately became a full-time revolutionary.

From 1895 on, Lenin lived in periodic exile, always in trouble with the Czarist regime. But somehow he still managed to move up the ranks of the small socialist political party in Russia, until he eventually became the leader of the group known as the Bolsheviks in 1903. Like many a revolutionary, his first attempt at overthrowing the government, in April 1917, failed, mainly because the workers didn’t rise up in quite the numbers he expected. The result: He ended up fleeing to Finland. But by October, the Bolsheviks began another offensive. Thanks to their cool, sloganny posters that now grace so many college dorm rooms, and also thanks to their guns, the Bolsheviks took Russia by storm. Not surprisingly, they proved to have a fair amount of popular support, and Lenin soon found himself in power—although the war between the Bolsheviks (or Reds) and Loyalists (or Whites) continued until 1920. It was the first successful Communist revolution, and Lenin’s dictatorial style of Communism would become every bit as influential as Marx’s writings.

Between the civil war and World War I, Russia was in bad shape by the time the shooting stopped. Lenin sought to turn things around with his New Economic Policy, which aimed to rebuild industry and improve agricultural techniques. (It did so, although a lot of peasants starved in the process. For presumably being on the side of the peasants, the Bolsheviks sure killed a lot of them.)

Lenin continued to be the leader of the Soviet Union until is death in 1924, but in reality he didn’t do much leading in the last few years of his life. After a debilitating stroke in 1922, he became in ineffectual leader–which, in part, gave noted jerkface Joseph Stalin the opportunity and time to assume control of the Soviet state.

A RIVER RUNS THROUGH IT
No one knows for sure where Vladimir Ulyanov picked the pseudonym Lenin. Maybe all the good nicknames (like “Stalin,” which means “Man of Steel”) were already taken. Some scholars believe, however, that “Lenin” was a subtle jab at fellow communist Georgi Piekhanov, who’d chosen the pseudonym “Volgin,” a reference to the Volga River. The Lena River is longer and flows in the opposite direction of the Volga–but hence, “Lenin.”

Extra Credit:
SOUNDING SMART
Unlike some of those who came after him, Lenin’s political convictions were sincere—but he tailored Marxism to suit his tastes and felt free to change the rules of the game as he moved along. That set a dangerous precedent in Soviet politics, one that has continued in post-Soviet Russia. Exactly 50 words that we made up about Lenin and Russia after exhaustive research. Memorize them, then slip them into a conversation about the contemporary political situation there.

Conversation Starters
◆ Lenin asked that no memorials be created for him, so he might be a bit disappointed to learn that his embalmed body has been on display in Moscow’s Red Square more or less continually since 1924. But how much of Lenin remains to be displayed is a question of open debate. In the past couple decades, Lenin’s embalmed corpse has looked awfully waxy, and although the Soviet government won’t comment, many believe that at least part of Lenin’s body is fake. (The type of embalming most commonly used in the United States, incidentally, lasts only about a week.)

◆ One thing’s for sure: Like the Scarecrow in The Wizard of Oz, the Lenin in Red Square doesn’t have a brain. It was removed before his body was embalmed and sent to a German scientist in hopes that he could locate the brain cells responsible for genius. Either Lenin wasn’t a genius or the brain is more complicated than the early Soviets believed, because the scientist didn’t find much worth noting.

◆ Among Lenin’s more unusual hobbies was sharpening pencils. As his brother Dmitry once noted, Lenin sharpened pencils with “a sort of special tenderness, so the letters came out like delicate threads.” Sharpening pencils was apparently not just a childhood fascination; it continued into his Revolutionary days. Lenin also loved riding bicycles. Hey, even Communist revolutionaries need hobbies.

Name-dropping:
John (pronunciation: like the Baptist) Maynard (pronunciation: like a May nerd) Keynes (pronunciation: like canes) (1883–1946).
Arguably the greatest economist of the 20th century, Keynes is so famous that he has an -ian word. His, Keynesian, means using fiscal spending programs to stimulate business and increase employment.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Economists love sitting around and talking about Keynes, because he was the rarest of economists—he never lacked for company in bed. But knowledge of Keynes will also serve you well when amateurs discuss everything from the Fed’s interest rate to unemployment levels.

The Basics
Son of the economist John Neville Keynes, John Maynard quickly eclipsed his father’s fame. In 1919, he published The Economic Consequences of the Peace, which correctly predicted that the enormous burdens on postwar Germany would lead it to economic ruin and fierce nationalism. Sadly, his fellow Brits didn’t listen until the Nazis started dropping bombs on them, at which point the world collectively realized that this John Maynard Keynes fellow was either psychic or a really good economist.

In 1936, Keynes’s most influential work was published. Titled The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money, it argued that recessions don’t fix themselves—which had never occurred to anyone, even though they were all in the depths of the Great Depression. Keynes argued that the solution to recession was a proactive effort by governments to stimulate the world economy. It was on the strength of this book that Keynes became known as the father of macroeconomics, which is admittedly akin to being the father of a famously boring child, but still better than most of us will ever do. Keynes went on to participate in the conference that led to the creation of the International Monetary Fund and the World Bank, two institutions that would help to shape and stabilize the postwar global economy.

In addition to his hard work forever changing the history of economic policy, Keynes was something of a party animal. In his younger years, he had a number of romantic relationships with men—including a seven-year relationship with British painter Duncan Grant. Partly because of his standing in society (Keynes was a baron) and partly because homophobia had begun to lessen (a few decades before, the discovery of Oscar Wilde’s homosexuality led to his arrest and imprisonment), Keynes’s bisexuality was never that much of an issue. He married a prominent Russian ballerina named Lydia Lopokova in 1917, and although they were unable to have children, their marriage was by most accounts a happy one.

Although the fundamentals of Keynesian economics remain influential, macroeconomics has changed since Keynes left the scene. Today, economists focus more on increasing gross domestic product than Keynes did, and his notion that the government should sponsor full employment is particularly unpopular. (Many macroeconomists think some unemployment is good for an economy, though try telling that to the people without jobs.) Still, Keynes’s influence is felt widely: Every time a college kid falls asleep in a macroeconomics class, for instance, he has John Maynard Keynes to thank.

The Even Keel
Keynes’s ideas have been used by governments and fiscal policymakers to stabilize economies, keeping them from growing too fast or too slowly. Broadly, when the economy is growing quickly, Keynes suggested, governments ought to raise taxes and decrease spending in order to rein in inflation. When the economy is in recession, he recommended, governments should lower taxes and increase spending to kick-start the economy. This concept of balanced growth would have prevented the rampant inflation of 1930s’ Germany and softened the blow of the Great Depression elsewhere. And it continues to work well today—the Federal Reserve in America still raises and lowers interest rates to balance inflation with growth.

THE GENERAL THEORY OF BUSINESS
Some have speculated that part of the reason Keynes’s The General Theory of Employment, Interest, and Money made such a splash upon its publication in 1936 was that it was cheap. In the Great Depression, scholars couldn’t afford just any book, and at a price half that of most similar titles, General Theory was made accessible to a wider variety of politicians and economists.

Conversation Starters
◆ Keynes had a weakness for hack medicine. An oddball doctor (Keynes called him “the Ogre”) sought to treat Keynes’s generally poor health with bed rest and ice packs on the chest. Keynes died (while under the Ogre’s care) in 1946 at the age of 62. His last words were, “I should have drunk more champagne.” Sure, and covered your chest with fewer ice packs.

◆ Keynes was no stranger to contradiction. It’s often said that during his life Keynes professed every possible opinion at least once. His explanation for the inconsistency was, like Keynes himself, equal parts disarming and charming: “When the facts change, my opinions change.”

◆ Keynes ended up pretty rich, but not nearly as wealthy as Warren Buffett, the billionaire investment banking genius whose Berkshire Hathaway corporation has consistently beaten the stock market. Buffett has frequently cited Keynes as an inspiration for his investment strategies.

◆ An economics joke: Keynes and a friend from college took a trip to Africa in the 1920s. While there, the two had their shoes shined by some boys. Keynes gave his shoe-shiner a stingy tip, and when his friend suggested Keynes ought to give more, Keynes replied, “I will not be a party to debasing the currency.” Yowza! What a zinger! Of course, the joke was probably less funny to the unlucky sap who’d just shined Keynes’s shoes.

Name-dropping:
Kama Sutra (pronunciation: KA-muh SUE-truh) (Written sometime between 30 and 400 CE). Literally meaning “aphorisms on love” or “treatise on pleasure,” the Kama Sutra is an ancient Indian text most famous for containing 64—sixty-four!—“arts.” And by “arts,” the Kama Sutra means “positions.” Vatsyayana: Purportedly the author of the Kama Sutra, although no one knows anything about who he was or when he lived or whether he was a single person or a bunch of people or whether he even existed. All we know is that if he existed, he got a lot of play.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Everywhere and always. Like George Clinton songs and homemade guacamole, the Kama Sutra is bound to be a hit at any party.

The Basics
The Kama Sutra is most famous for the second of its five sections, “On Sexual Union.” It’s in this section that the reader is introduced to the 40 kinds of kissing, varieties of orgasm, and the aforementioned 64 sexual positions. Also, it’s here that Vatsyayana argues that there are eight positions possible within each of the broader ways of having sex. (We’d include some pictures here, but the publisher said we couldn’t.)

But the Kama Sutra is not some guide to a Bacchanalian lifestyle. Vatsyayana believed that frivolous sex was sinful. Further, he believed in the importance of treating people well. For that reason, the dirty-dirty only comprises about 20 percent of the total text. Parts of the book, for instance, remind people how to live well. But most of it is a sort of ancient Indian Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. In exploring how to acquire a wife (or how to seduce another person’s wife), Vatsyayana discusses the differences between men and women and how each gender experiences pleasure.

The Kama Sutra was helping Indians have fuller sex lives for at least a millennium before the British explorer, swordsman, raconteur, and all-around dreamboat Sir Richard Burton decided to translate the text. (Let’s just say that Burton had found it helpful.) Burton’s classic 1883 translation is still widely read today, and even though it was censored in England, it found a rabid audience throughout Europe and—eventually—in America. Today, the Kama Sutra is perhaps unfairly synonymous with sexual experimentation. It also has served as an important source for scholars seeking to understand ancient India.

The Talented Mr. Burton
Richard Burton (the one who lived from 1821–1890, not the one who twice wed Elizabeth Taylor) spoke dozens of languages, traveled the globe in search of adventure, was considered the greatest swordsman of his century, and managed to translate both the Kama Sutra and The Arabian Nights. But in his own day, he was most famous for being the first Christian known to have taken part in the Islamic Hajj. Non-Muslims are not allowed into the holy city of Mecca during the annual Islamic pilgrimage. But in 1853, Burton disguised himself as a Muslim—he studied Islam for months in advance and even went so far as to have himself circumcised (just in case anyone checked). After all, Islam, like Judaism, requires circumcision of males. The travel book that resulted, Pilgrimage to El-Medinah and Mecca, secured Burton’s renown—and we’re happy to defer to anyone who loves adventure enough to endure adult circumcision.

Extra Credit:
KAMA
“Kama,” is not a kind of chameleon, although, due to Boy George’s poor pronunciation, we believed otherwise until quite recently. “Kama” is, in fact, the Hindu god of love. And just like Cupid, Kama is often portrayed shooting love-producing arrows—which just goes to show that there’s a real cross-cultural appreciation for the relationship between getting stabbed with an arrow and falling head over heels.

WHAT’S A VATSYAYANA?
Very little is known for certain about the life of Vatsyayana. For instance, scholars have only gotten within five centuries of nailing down the time when he lived (between the first and sixth centuries CE). One of the most pervasive rumors about Vatsyayana is that he spent a great deal of time with prostitutes in order to research his Sutra.

Conversation Starters
◆ When Richard Burton first visited India, he was assigned by the British government to investigate homosexual brothels. His inflammatory report, which showed that many British soldiers and officers made frequent visits to such brothels, led to him being fired from the Army. By the time he translated the Kama Sutra in 1889, he’d learned his lesson: Victorian Brits were prudish. Instead of using English words to describe genitalia, he used the Sanskrit words lingam and yoni. The latter caught on as a slang word in English for a woman’s genitalia.

◆ Now and again, the Kama Sutra offers some questionable advice. Say, for instance, you want a virgin to marry you. You might buy the virgin an engagement ring, or even start referring to her by her first name instead of always calling her “the virgin.” Or you could follow the advice of the Kama Sutra and throw a mixture of vajnasunhi powder and monkey dung over her head.

◆ Among the studies that Vatsyayana asserts are vital to be a full and complete lover: architecture, gemology, metallurgy, and magic. (This points to the disconcerting conclusion that the folks from Extreme Makeover: Home Edition might be really great lovers.) Knowledge of these fields, of course, made one a proper husband back then—and only a proper husband could be a proper lover.

◆ And for those of you who might be really bad people: An entire chapter of the Kama Sutra is devoted to how best to seduce other men’s wives.

Name-dropping:
Samuel Johnson (pronunciation: Oh. Come on) (1709–1784).
Critic, poet, playwright, biographer, lexicographer, college dropout, and all-around swell guy most famous for standardizing the English language.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Knowing a few of Johnson’s quips will go a long way toward making you look sophisticated at any cocktail party. He’ll also be helpful when you find yourself talking to one of those people who begins to mangle the English language after one cosmopolitan. When you start hearing “libary” and “schoolastic,” you can just hand them Sam Johnson’s Dictionary of the English Language and walk away.

The Basics
Samuel Johnson lived the American Dream in Britain—although he never thought much of America. (He once commented, “I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.”) The son of a bookseller, Johnson appeared headed for a life of mediocrity. At 28, he was a failed schoolteacher when he headed to London with nary a penny in his pocket. That is, of course, until he found work writing for magazines. Pretty soon, his wit and keen literary and political criticism were sweeping the nation.

Johnson’s most important work, A Dictionary of the English Language, was published in 1755. Although dictionaries had been compiled before, he was the first to include examples of the defined word from the works of great writers, which helped to establish a canon of English literature. As dictionaries go, Johnson’s makes for a surprisingly fun read (see sidebar) and, being the work of a single man, represents a Herculean accomplishment.

While composing the dictionary, he also wrote a biweekly column for the magazine The Rambler, which is widely considered to be his best prose work. Still, poor Sammy never had much money until 1762, when the government began issuing him an annual pension. Although his dictionary defined pension by saying, “In England it is generally understood to mean pay given to a state hireling for treason to his country,” Johnson accepted the money. He was never poor again, and spent the remainder of his long life as the toast of British literary society.

Johnson might never have achieved the lasting fame he so deserved had it not been for his young protégé James Boswell, whose brilliant and heartbreaking Life of Johnson ranks as one of the greatest biographies ever written, and ensured that the talented Dr. Johnson would have fans for centuries. No magazine writer before or since ever achieved such notoriety (trust us—we are ourselves a magazine writer, who toils in obscurity behind the Royal We).

The Quotable Johnson
On remarrying:
“[It is] the triumph of hope over experience.”

On its alternative:
“Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.”

On writing:
“No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money.”

On sailing:
“Being in a ship is being in a jail, with the chance of being drowned.”

On cucumbers:
“A cucumber should be well sliced, dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out.”

Although he is often referred to simply as Dr. Johnson, the “Dr.” came from an honorary degree at Oxford conferred upon him later in life. Johnson was really a college dropout: Unable to pay tuition, he left Oxford after one year.

The Language According to Dr. Johnson
Johnson’s dictionary is generally quite serious and straightforward, making his whimsical entries all the more fun. A sampling:

Lexicographer: A writer of dictionaries; a harmless drudge . . .

Oats: A grain, which in England is generally given to horses, but in Scotland appears to support the people.

Tory: One who adheres to the ancient constitution of the state, and the apostolical hierarchy of the Church of England, opposed to a Whig.

Whig: The name of a faction. (Johnson, needless to say, was a Tory.)

Conversation Starters
◆ In defense of Ashton Kutcher: When he was just 25, Johnson married a 46-year-old widow named Elizabeth Porter, who in spite of having a perfectly good name insisted on going by “Tetty.” Very shortly after Tetty died in 1752, Johnson took up with a
woman with an even funnier name, Hill Boothby.

◆ Johnson liked to say that he was born “almost dead.” Bouts with lymphatic tuberculosis and other ailments left his face heavily scarred from childhood. He was also blind in one eye, partially deaf, and suffered throughout his life from a severe facial tic, leading most modern experts to conclude he suffered from Tourette’s syndrome.

◆ Johnson was famous for his insults. Here, for instance, is an early example of the great literary genre the lawyer joke: When asked his opinion of a certain individual, Johnson said, “I do not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but I believe the gentleman is an attorney.”

◆ Johnson had a reputation for being a slow writer, but his satirical novel Rasselas was written in two weeks—he needed to pay for his mom’s funeral.

Name-dropping:
Joan of Arc (like “Joan of Arcadia” without the “-adia”) (c. 1412–1431).
French girl who, in spite of being a female in a sexist world, and in spite of being thought insane by many who encountered her, and in spite of being a little kid from a peasant family, basically turned the tide of the Hundred Years’ War (which a total of 10 French and British kings had failed to do).

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Joan of Arc can be useful when people start talking about the question of whether women should be allowed in combat. But she’ll also come in handy if you’re ever at a cocktail party and begin to hear invisible voices. Don’t freak out. Stay calm. You could be going crazy, or you could be just a couple years away from tremendous success and renown. Followed by, um, a horrible execution.

The Basics
In a time when French peasants had few rights, and French peasant women had even fewer, a teenage Joan of Arc somehow managed to meet the king of France and convince him to let her lead the French royal army into battle.

When Joan was born, the internal strife within France caused the nation to periodically forget that they were engaged in the Hundred Years’ War with England. In all that chaos, it’s no wonder the English king, Henry V, began grabbing huge chunks of French territory for himself. Joan was by all accounts a quiet, pious child. Then, around the age of 13, she started hearing voices. The Archangel Michael, St. Catherine, and St. Margaret began conversing with Joan, telling her that she needed to drive the English out of France. The rational Joan listened to these voices for about three years before finally approaching a commander at the local fort and asking him to take her to King Charles, because the Archangel Michael had told her that she could defeat the English.

There’s no record of the commander’s exact response to Joan’s request, but we imagine it was something along the lines of “Tu es très crazy.” But a few months later, she returned to the same commander, and this time—improbably—he believed her. He gave her an escort of six soldiers, who apparently dressed her in male clothes and brought her through enemy territory to the king.

Amazingly, the king soon grew to trust young Joan. He gave her permission to take a small band of soldiers to the city of Orléans, where her orders were to try to end the English siege of the city. In the first week of May, 1429, Joan won a series of battles against the English, who soon abandoned their attack on Orléans. Suddenly, no one in France thought Joan was crazy. By June, the French were routing the English: At the Battle of Patay (not Pâté), 2,200 English soldiers died compared to just 20 Frenchmen. Joan desperately wanted to move on and take Paris, but Charles was slow to act. When the assault on Paris fi nally did begin, Joan suffered an arrow to the breast, and the attack failed.

On May 23, 1430, Joan was captured by a captain named John of Luxembourg, who handed her over to the British in exchange for what would today amount to several hundred thousand dollars. Accused of heresy in a show trial, Joan was convicted on the grounds that her voices could not possibly come from God, since clearly God wanted the English to control France. She was burned at the stake on May 30, 1431, but remained a faithful Christian to the last. Among her final words were “Hold the cross high so that I may see it through the flames.”

Extra Credit:
SECRET SIGNS
Joan of Arc never allowed her troops to fight on Sunday. In fact, she might have further routed the English at the Battle of Orléans, except that the clever Brits started their retreat on a Sunday. And she’s the heretic?

One of the enduring mysteries of Joan’s story is why, exactly, Charles VII chose to trust her. He dressed in disguise on the day she visited the palace, and Joan immediately picked him out of the crowd— but Charles never really trusted Joan until she shared with him a “secret sign.” Some historians believe that Joan told Charles she was aware of his worry that he might have been born illegitimately. Joan then assured him his birth was legitimate, which made Charles so happy that he sent her off to war. After her arrest, though, he did
nothing to save her.

Conversation Starters
◆ Throughout his later years, Samuel Clemens did not consider The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn or even Life on the Mississippi to be his greatest literary accomplishments. Instead, he believed that his fictionalized history Personal Recollections of Joan of Arc would be remembered as his best book. Twain was mistaken, though. Overly serious and written in a maudlin style, the book is rarely read, even by Twain fans.

◆ Widely admired for its theological sophistication, the canceled CBS show Joan of Arcadia featured a young woman named Joan who talks to God and takes action to make the world a better place. Its replacement, The Ghost Whisperer, starring Jennifer Love Hewitt, is about a girl who talks to ghosts. Why the change? According to CBS chief Les Moonves, “I think talking to ghosts may skew younger than talking to God.”

◆ Throughout her military career and even during her imprisonment by the English, Joan preferred wearing men’s clothes.

◆ Joan has long been the patron saint of France, but it seems that she might have also become the unofficial patron saint of artsy indie-rock bands suffering from perennial depression. She’s been mentioned in songs by Silverfish, Catatonia, and Garbage, among others. Our favorite Joan of Arc namedropping occurs in “Bigmouth Strikes Again,” by the Smiths: “And now I know how Joan of Arc felt, as the flames rose to her Roman nose and her Walkman started to melt.”

Name-dropping:
The Hundred Years’ War (pronunciation: duh) (1337–1453). A sporadic fight between (who else?) England and France that, despite its name, managed to go on for 116 years. Featuring a Black Prince, a guy nicknamed “the Bold,” a guy nicknamed “the Good,” and a whole bunch of siege-ing, the Hundred Years’ War is sort of like J.R.R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings trilogy—only longer.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
In discussions of war. Also, whenever anyone accuses the French of being inherently wimpy or slow to take decisive action, you can point out that this wasn’t always the case. They were once very brave and quick to take bad actions.

The Basics
Between 1337 and 1453, France and England engaged in a series of battles over what amounted to a disagreement about some land. In 1328, Edward III of England, who was also duke over part of southwestern France, decided that France should probably go ahead and make him king. A French assembly disagreed, making Philip VI king of France. When Philip made a move to take Edward’s land in southwestern France, Edward got mad and started a war. (And who can blame him? The south of France is lovely.)

In those days, wars were fairly boring affairs. Lengthy sieges were followed by the occasional battle for a town, so it took a number of years before anyone even knew who was winning. Eventually, it became clear the British were faring better than the French. Edward’s son, known as the Black Prince, even managed to capture the French king (who was by now John II) in 1356.

By 1421, the British seemed to be in excellent shape. They controlled much of France, including Paris. The French king, Charles VI, suffered from what was probably schizophrenia, while the British king, Henry V, was a superb leader. But then Henry V and Charles VI both died, and British fortunes changed. Suddenly, the new French king, Charles VII, if nothing else, wasn’t schizophrenic, while the new British king, Henry VI, was eight months old. Not yet being potty-trained, young Henry couldn’t exactly lead his men into battle. France began to rise anew.

Then Joan of Arc came along and, with her volunteer forces, liberated the city of Orléans from the Brits in 1429. Joan got burned at the stake for her efforts, but she changed the hearts of several key players, who decided to start fighting for the French. By 1453, the British were defeated, and France was free.

WELCOME TO THE GUN SHOW
The Hundred Years’ War saw the widespread introduction of firearms and artillery to the European battlefield. In fact, the war’s last battle, that of Castillion, is said to be the first European battle in which cannons proved the deciding factor. The British were mowed down by French cannons during an ill-advised attack on the well-fortified French lines. The British dead included their commander, John Talbot, whose horse was killed by cannon fire. Trapped beneath his ride, Talbot died the old-fashioned way: He met with the unfriendly end of a Frenchman’s battle-ax.

Extra Credit:
WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
Sure, it lasted a long time and killed a lot of people, but did the Hundred Years’ War accomplish anything worthwhile? Absolutely. Whereas France had often been a nation divided up by independent aristocrats, the Hundred Years’ War instilled in her a sense of national identity that has lasted—for better or worse—to the present day. And it increased nationalist feelings in Britain, too. No longer did British monarchs see expansion into Europe as the only way to become a great king. British leaders began to look inward—which initially led to civil war but eventually to the fostering of a British identity that included the Scots and Welsh. Of course, no one really learned their lesson. Within a few centuries, after all, Britain would colonize half the world.

Conversation Starters
◆ The Battle of Castillion proved to be the last of the Hundred Years’ War. But it might have flared up again had not British king Henry VI, who inherited the throne at the age of eight months, gone bonkers. Henry likely suffered from bipolar disorder starting in 1453, scholars say. But at the time, there was neither effective treatment nor accurate diagnosis: As far as his court was concerned, Henry just became stark raving mad for months at a time, and was completely unable to process anything that went on around him.

◆ Edward III and Philippa had twelve children—seven sons and five daughters—and their many, many direct descendants would end up duking it out for the right to lead England in a protracted civil war that came to be known as the War of the Roses. Some historians have speculated that if he’d chosen to have fewer kids (you’d think all that warmongering would have kept him busy) and therefore fewer descendants, the War of the Roses might never have occurred.

Name-dropping:
Han (pronunciation: like Solo) dynasty (pronunciation: like the TV show) (206 BCE–220 CE): A model for all future Chinese dynasties, the Han changed the history of China. If you have to pick a dynasty to know, this is the one.

When to Use Your Knowledge:
When you see some ancient-looking Chinese art. You’ve got a fair chance of being right if you say, “Wasn’t this painted/sculpted/ drawn/thought up during the Han dynasty?”

The Basics
The founder of the Han dynasty was a minor official named Liu Pang, who raised an army and overthrew the corrupt and generally pretty horrible Ch’in dynasty in 206 BCE. Liu Pang renamed himself Kao Tsu (Chinese leaders, like Russian cities and Diddy, frequently renamed themselves) and began to revitalize Chinese government and society.

For one thing, Kao Tsu brought Confucianism to the fore of Chinese government. With its emphasis on moderation, reverence for authority, and scholarship, Confucianism was a good match for Kao Tsu’s style of governance. While promotion within the government was based on merit and Kao Tsu encouraged artistic and intellectual achievement, he ruled with an iron fist and expected all Chinese citizens to submit to his will.

The Han dynasty became known for its artistic and cultural achievements. They created a Music Bureau, for instance, that cataloged all known musical instruments and styles of playing. The Han dynasty also saw great advancements in technology: Perhaps because they kept such extensive records, the Han eventually abandoned bamboo as a writing surface and invented paper. And they invented the first working seismograph, which could detect earthquakes from hundreds of miles away.

The Han dynasty also saw the emergence of the “Great Silk Road,” which is a bit of a misnomer, because 1) it was not made of silk, and 2) there was not an actual road involved. But it was definitely great. The Han pioneered the route from China through central Asia (i.e., the ’Stans—Uzbekistan, Kazakhstan, etc.) to the Mediterannean. Using this route, the Chinese exported elaborate silk weavings and spices as far west as the Roman Empire. Thus, the Han dynasty sent China down a path of exporting goods to the West that would eventually culminate in the greatest cultural achievement of our time: Wal-Mart.

The Han dynasty lasted more than 400 years— longer than any other in Chinese history. It was toppled, however, by a peasant rebellion fueled by the Taoist beliefs in equal rights. After decentralization, the last Han emperor was finally overthrown in 220 CE. Even today, however, China views the Han dynasty as the apex of Imperial Chinese history.

Fu
The predominant form of creative writing during the Han dynasty, fu was a combination of poetry and prose that got its beginning in Qu Yuan’s classic poem “On Encountering Sorrow.” With an unrestrictive rhyme pattern and extremely long lines, fu was less lyrical than previous Chinese poetry, so writers could go on and on with exposition. In the writing business, this is called “telling instead of showing” and is generally frowned upon. (Think of the achingly bad poems written by Ryan to Trista on The Bachelorette.) Indeed, although a few fu writers are well esteemed today, most were hacks who knew that writing poetry improved your chances of getting promoted in the government bureaucracy. Imagine that: a world in which writing poetry (even bad poetry) can help get you promoted.

Big Religion in Little China
The peace and prosperity that Confucianism helped bring to China during the Han dynasty also led to the arrival of Confucianism’s greatest rival: Buddhism. In the middle of the Han dynasty, with trade routes open to the west and south, Buddhism traveled freely from India to China, where it would take hold to such a degree that even today, it is easy to forget that Buddhism originally came from India.

The First Toilet
The Han dynasty saw the invention of countless tools we’ve come to take for granted (like paper, as previously noted, and also the collapsible umbrella). But it seems it might also have given us that greatest of conveniences: the toilet. In 2000, archaeologists in China discovered a toilet, complete with a stone seat and running water. The toilet was found not in a Han dynasty house but in a tomb!

Conversation Starters
◆ Despite embracing Confucianism, which emphasizes scholastic study, Liu Pang himself was a coarse peasant who didn’t think much of book learnin’. He once peed into the hat of a court scholar (who fortunately was not, at the time, wearing the hat) to show his lack of respect for education.

◆ Hearing all the names of the many Chinese dynasties, one can’t help but wonder how China managed to fit so many dynasties into just a few thousand years. Don’t dynasties, by their very nature, require at least a few generations? Not so much, as it turns out. Immediately preceding the Han, for instance, the Ch’in “dynasty” barely even hit puberty before petering out. It lasted all of 15 years.

◆ The Han dynasty is so central to China’s identity that the Chinese word for “Chinese person” literally translated to “a man of Han.”

◆ When Liu Pang was fighting for power after the fall of the Ch’in dynasty, his main rival was named Xiang Yu. Xiang Yu captured Liu Pang’s father and then sent a bold message to Liu Pang: “Surrender or I will boil your venerable sire alive!” Liu Pang responded: “Send me a cup of the soup.” You can take your Keyzer Sozes and your Corleones and your Tupacs. For sheer cojones, we’ll take Liu. His father, incidentally, ended up surviving—not that Liu seemed to care much.

Name-dropping:
God (like it sounds).
Today mostly known for his compassion, justice, infinite power, and knowledge. But back in the day, the gods of Olympus were as petty, jealous, and lame as people—only more powerful. In continuing our introduction to the Olympian deities, we turn now to the boys.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Nothing ends a miserable conversation with a drunk who wants to take you home quite like “I wonder if I should ask Poseidon or Zeus to smite you. Zeus’s lightning would be faster, but Poseidon’s trident might be more fun to watch.”

The Basics
ZEUS
King of the gods, Zeus looked a little like Santa Claus, but without the cheery disposition. Wielding his trademark thunderbolt, Zeus ruled over Olympus and earth, justly resolving disputes and putting people and gods in their proper place. But don’t mistake his greatness for goodness: Zeus constantly cheated on his wife, Hera (who was also his sister), had innumerable illegitimate children, and would transform himself into almost anything (bull, swan, whatever) to bed a fair maiden.

APOLLO
The hottest of the male Olympians, Apollo was also an archer the likes of which hasn’t been seen outside of Middle Earth elfdom. Combine his good looks with the fact that he was the god of poetry and music, and it’s no surprise that Apollo did well with the ladies.

ARES
The god of war, Ares was loved by Aphrodite but hated by most everyone else (in The Iliad, Zeus says to him, “To me you are the most hateful of all gods who hold Olympus,” which really hurts coming from your dad). Ares was said not to care who won or lost a battle so long as the fight was bloody.

POSEIDON
King of the sea and earthquakes, Poseidon was one of the gods least friendly to mortals. He was also associated with horses, so it’s no wonder Greek sailors often drowned a horse before voyages to avoid his wrath.

HEPHAESTUS
The God of fire and blacksmiths, Hephaestus is also known as “the Greek god we always forget exists.” It was Hephaestus who, with the help of some cylcops, forged Zeus’s thunderbolts and his scepter. He also made arrows for Eros, who would later be called Cupid.

HERMES
The messenger of the Olympian gods, Hermes had the unenviable job of escorting mortals to the underworld when their time came. He wore a winged helmet, sort of like Viking fans, and was also associated with bringing dreams to mortals during sleep.

Greek to Roman
As previously noted, it’s best to use the Greek names for gods if you want to seem intellectually up-to-date. But if nothing else, understanding the Roman names helps you to realize just how many planet namings the Greeks got screwed out of.

GREEK ROMAN

Zeus → Jupiter
Apollo → Apollo
Ares → Mars
Poseidon → Neptune
Hephaestus → Vulcan
Hermes → Mercury

Extra Credit:
DIONYSUS
He didn’t live on Olympus, but the god of alcohol is, almost by definition, the god of cocktail parties—so no cheat sheet would be complete without him. Dionysus mostly used his powers for the forces of good. For example, when a Greek deity misbehaved, Dionysus would show up, the offender would get so drunk s/he’d pass out, and then things would be made right.

FROM HUNCHBACK TO DREAMBOAT
Hephaestus was the ugliest deity on Olympus, and was usually portrayed as having a lame leg. So the ancient Greeks would no doubt be surprised to learn that their little lame Hephaestus, known to the Romans as Vulcan, is today the subject of the world’s largest cast-iron sculpture. Built in 1904, Birmingham, Alabama’s Vulcan stands 56 feet tall, weighs 120,000 pounds, and shows the god’s bare (and decidedly not lame) derrière. The bare buns caused a scandal when the state of Alabama tried to place the statue in downtown Birmingham. For 30 years Vulcan gathered dust at the Alabama State Fairgrounds. But today he stands tall and proud and very muscular atop Birmingham’s Red Mountain.

Conversation Starters
◆ With his trident and beard, Poseidon bears a bit of a resemblance to Christian portrayals of Satan. Coincidence? Probably not entirely. Early Christians often associated Roman gods (like Poseidon, or as he was known in Rome, Neptune) with the evils of paganism—and many scholars argue that Satan’s trident, if nothing else, has its roots in Neptune.

◆ Poseidon may not have been Satanic, but he was a bit odd. One of his main interests was trying to have sex with his sister, Demeter, who, needless to say, didn’t swing that way. In fact, when Demeter turned herself into a mare to resist his advances, the clever (and extraordinarily perverted) Poseidon transformed into a stallion and proceeded to mate with her. Boy, they sure don’t make gods like they used to.

◆ It was prophesied that Zeus’s father, Cronus, would be overthrown by one of his children. So, like any quick-thinking god, Cronus swallowed each of his kids as they were born. Only Zeus, the youngest of the six, was saved from Cronus’s mouth, and when he became a young man, he convinced his dad—honestly—to puke up Zeus’s five brothers and sisters. The siblings—Demeter, Hestia, Hera, Hades, and Poseidon—were all fixtures in the Greek pantheon, but they each deferred to their little brother and savior (and husband, in Hera’s case).

Name-dropping:
Olympus (pronunciation: oh-LIM-pus).
The mountain that the 12 baddest gods and goddesses in Greek mythology called home. Occasionally, Zeus would call the whole crew together for a meeting on Olympus (“Good to see you again, Dionysus,” Zeus would say. And Dionysus would respond, “Hey, Zeus. Remember that time I was born out of your thigh? That was so weird”). But mostly Olympus was occupied by the 12 men and women profi led here. In an attempt to remedy the patriarchal oppression inherent to the Greek pantheon, we’ll start with the goddesses.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
If you see your Special Someone flirting with Someone Else at a party, you’ll need Hera. Also, the next time you spill red wine on someone’s ivory white carpet, you can pass it off as an offering to Hestia.

The Basics
APHRODITE
Doubling as the goddess of romance and beauty, the stunning Aphrodite was married to Hephaestus—the hardest-working (yet, not the most attractive) god in the business: Unfortunately for him, she cheated frequently with mortals and gods alike (not surprising, since the word aphrodisiac does derive from her name).

ARTEMIS
A proud virgin, Artemis was the goddess of the hunt and chastity. Flanked by her companions (who were also all virgins), she roamed the forests hunting for lions and panthers. In short, she was a bit of a tomboy. But despite her reputation for healing and kindness, it was Artemis who was believed to bring and spread leprosy and rabies.

ATHENA
The goddess of war strategy and wisdom, Athena was wildly popular with the ancient Greeks, so much so that Greece’s capital is named for her. When Poseidon and Athena were vying for the city’s aff ections, Poseidon threw his trident into a hillside and a spring emerged from the hill. But the water was salty (that Poseidon was always screwing things up). Athena’s gift, an olive tree, was less spectacular, but it provided food and wood and oil (the original Giving Tree). So, it’s no wonder the Athenians swore their allegiance to her.

DEMETER
Ancient Greece’s goddess of earth, Demeter was worshipped by rural Greeks for her association with the harvest. In spite of the fact that she is often portrayed wearing ears of corn as a crown, Demeter was considered quite beautiful. Unfortunately, she got the least attractive-sounding name of all the Greek goddesses: It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue in English, and in Greek it means “barley mother.”

HERA
Queen of the gods and Zeus’s wife, Hera might have been happy if only Zeus had been loyal to her. But Zeus’s relentless infidelity infuriated her, and because she couldn’t really take it out on the Big Z, she mostly punished his illegitimate children (like Dionysus, whose foster parents were driven insane by Hera). Unfortunately, she was depicted as petty and unforgiving because she didn’t acquiesce to Zeus’s cheating—a clear sign that male chauvinism extended to the heavens.

HESTIA
The goddess of home life, Hestia was the only chill deity on all Mount Olympus. While everyone else was out raining fire, famine, and earthquakes from the heavens, Hestia chose to spend most of her time on earth doing nice things for the mortals.

Greek to Roman
Here’s a handy guide to Olympian goddess name changes. True students of ancient religion use the Greek names for gods and goddesses. But just in case you come across some neophyte who uses the names that Romans picked out (when they adopted the entire Greek pantheon of deities as their own), you can say, “I believe you mean Hestia.”

GREEK ROMAN
Aphrodite → Venus
Artemis → Diana
Athena → Minerva
Demeter → Ceres
Hera → Juno
Hestia → Vesta

Conversation Starters
◆ Just as Eazy-E poured malt liquor on the ground to honor his fallen comrades, ancient Greeks often poured wine on the ground to honor Hestia, the only goddess who was ever consistently nice to them.

◆ Not only did Hera manage to perennially regain her virginity, some ancient sources also claimed she could get herself pregnant without assistance from hubby Zeus. How’d she manage that neat trick? Depending on the source, Hera achieved self-impregnation either 1. by slapping her hand on the ground or 2. by munching on lettuce.

◆ Although America generally picks either presidents or Native Americans for our coinage, the “heads” side of the heaviest coin ever produced by the U.S. Mint depicted none other than the Greek goddess of war, Athena.

◆ And you thought that scene in Alien was upsetting: According to some ancient sources, Aphrodite’s birth was a bit unusual. She spontaneously arose from the severed genitals of Uranus. (Cronos, a young Titan, cut them off in a fight, whereupon they fell into the sea.) Nineteenth-century painter William-Adolphe Bouguereau managed to make this birth story beautiful in his famous painting Birth of Venus (Aphrodite’s Roman name), which depicts a naked and—we’ll just say it—really hot Aphrodite rising from the sea.

Name-dropping:
Galileo Galilei (pronunciation: ga-li- LAY-oh gal-li-LAY-ee) (1564–1642).
Italian scientist and mathematician who made several extraordinarily important discoveries. Almost all of which, incidentally, proved that Aristotle—for all his fame and brilliance and everything—was sort of an idiot.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
It’s late. The party is winding down. You’ve been chatting for the past three hours with a person to whom you’re deeply attracted. You’ve regaled them with the wit of Samuel Johnson and the wisdom of the Qur’an. And now, it’s time to take that person outside and stare up at the heavens together. And when that special person you met two hours ago looks deep into your eyes, inches a little closer to you, and his/her lips begin to part, it’s time to make your move: Start talking about what happened to Galileo when he pointed out the sky didn’t revolve around us.

The Basics
Galileo’s first significant contribution to science traditionally is said to have occurred atop the Leaning Tower of Pisa, when he supposedly dropped bodies (as in objects, not dead people) and proved that the speed of a falling object is not proportional to its weight, as Aristotle claimed. Before Galileo, everyone believed Aristotle, because—hey—he was Aristotle. (In reality, Galileo’s experiment probably involved rolling objects down an incline, not dropping them off a tower, but that’s not as good a story.) Galileo further contradicted Aristotle by proving that projectiles take parabolic trajectories (you’d think someone would have noticed this with all the catapulting that went on in the Middle Ages, but no).

Galileo was a pious and unassuming fellow who never sought to court controversy. But for some reason, he kept discovering things that disproved conventional wisdom. Fortunately, debunking Aristotelian physics never got anybody excommunicated from the Catholic Church. Unfortunately, Galileo started meddling in astronomy. At first, it seemed his observations made him rich and secured his fame. Having discovered four moons around Jupiter, he smartly named them after the ruling Medici family, who responded in kind by getting him a sweet gig in his native Tuscany.

But he soon noticed that Venus revolved around the Sun, which flew in the face not only of Aristotle’s beliefs, but also those of the Catholic Church. After keeping quiet on the issue for nearly a decade, Galileo received permission from the pope to write a book on the topic. The resulting work, succinctly titled Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems, Ptolemaic and Copernican, in which a character named Salviati explains that the earth clearly revolves around the Sun, and a guy aptly named Simplicio is constantly ridiculed for his irrational belief in an earth-centric universe.

Summoned to Rome for an Inquisition, Galileo eventually apologized (legend has it that at the end of his apology, he mumbled, “And yet—it moves,”) and was sentenced to life in prison. The “prison” proved to be a small, comfortable villa near Florence, where he continued to work, albeit with his heart broken by the Church to which he remained ever faithful.

Heliocentrism
Galileo was neither the first nor the only scientist to believe in a heliocentric universe. The idea was first put forth by Nicolaus Copernicus, who didn’t publish his work for decades and then had the good sense to die just after it finally saw the light of day, before anyone could get mad at him.

Galileo and the Scientific Method
So how come no one ever dropped a couple rocks from a cliff to check and make sure that Aristotle was right about the behavior of falling objects? Because until that point no one had invented the Scientific Method (aka the cornerstone of all modern science), wherein a hypothesis is developed and tested. Galileo’s credit for developing the Method, however, must be shared with Sir Francis “Don’t Call Me Sausage” Bacon. Between the two of them, they revolutionized the manner in which people approached the questions of the heavens.

IT’S A MATH, MATH, MATH, MATH WORLD
Although Galileo didn’t devote much time to the study of pure mathematics, he did make a discovery that baffled mathematicians for 250 years: He proved that there are as many perfect squares (1, 4, 9, 16, 25, etc.) as there are whole numbers (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, etc.), even though the vast majority of whole numbers are not perfect squares. Known as “Galileo’s Paradox of the Infinite,” this caused headaches for abstract mathematicians until the early 20th century, when Georg Cantor invented set theory, which has been causing headaches for Calculus II students ever since.

Conversation Starters
◆ In 1609, Galileo learned that a telescope had been invented by Hans Lippershey in the Netherlands. Unable to procure one from the inventor, he jerry-rigged his own contraption using three lenses he purchased at an eyeglass store. Then, with a little trial and error, Galileo eventually learned the fine art of grinding lenses—producing the most powerful telescope in the world. Aside from allowing him to chart the universe, his high-powered spyglass also proved definitively that the moon’s surface was not smooth, as scientists had previously thought, nor was it made of Swiss cheese, as scientists had secretly hoped.

◆ Like a lot of successful people, Galileo was a college dropout. He briefly attended the University of Pisa, but had to leave because he couldn’t afford tuition. Just a couple years later, however, he ended up returning to college—this time as a professor.

◆ Galileo was also a prodigious inventor: Besides his work with the telescope, he invented the first compound microscope, a complicated air-and-water-based thermometer, and the first driver for a pendulum clock. (Among the inventions he sketched but never got around to making are a comb that doubled as an eating utensil, an automated tomato picker, and a ballpoint pen.)