Name-dropping:
Attila (pronunciation: uh-TILL-uh) (406–453 CE).
Nicknamed Flagellum Dei, Latin for “the Scourge of God,” he was the last king of the Huns in Europe, a brilliant general with a deep and abiding fondness for killing people.

Huns: Originally referring to east Asian nomads, the name came to refer to any nomads from central Asia (now known, colloquially, as “the ‘Stans”), including those who rose to prominence in eastern Europe during the last days of the Roman Empire.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Well, it’s must-have material if your cocktail party happens to get attacked by a gang of barbarians or possibly Cure-embracing goths. But Attila the Hun is also great joke fodder anytime you’re drinking a Bloody Mary. When someone asks what you’re drinking, you just say, “In the great tradition of Attila the Hun, I’m drinking the blood of my children! Ha-ha!” That’s comic gold.

The Basics
By the turn of the fifth century, the Roman Empire was in trouble due to poor leadership, gluttony at home, and an overextended military. (Sure, it sounds familiar, but we don’t make those jokes, because this is an apolitical book.) Large swaths of the Roman Empire were ripe for the picking, but, as the world’s only superpower, the Romans had only to fear periodic revolts among the lesser barbarians.

But then came Attila. The nephew of Rua, who’d united the Hun tribes from central Asia to eastern Europe, Attila inherited the throne in 434 CE. There was only one problem: Attila had to share power with his older brother, Bleda. He and Bleda immediately set off to conquer large parts of the Persian Empire. But the Persians defeated the Huns in Armenia. The loss was chalked up to mere practice, and life went on (at least for the surviving Huns).

In 440, claiming that the Romans weren’t paying the Huns adequate tribute in gold, the Brothers Hun attacked the Roman Empire. Over the next five years, they stampeded through the Balkans, across the Danube, and made it all the way to the gates of Constantinople. In 443, they negotiated a very favorable truce with the Roman Empire, and then Attila decided to go home for a while so as to kill his brother and take full control of the rest of the Huns.

Which is precisely what Attila did in 445. By 451, Attila began one of the largest invasions in history, using some 500,000 men to attack Gaul, present-day France. Then in 452, he turned to the Italian peninsula, the heart of the empire itself. He ravaged the countryside for months before the Pope convinced him not to attack Rome itself. With huge chunks of Asia and Europe in his command, it seemed that Attila might found the new great superpower. But then he died. Of a nosebleed.

And his empire died with him. Attila’s three surviving sons caused endless internal power struggles and none of them had the political or military shrewdness of their father. The Hunnish Empire faded in significance. Rome, on the other hand, staggered on for a few more decades.

Barbarians

Barbarian: Originally a Greek term referring to any kind of non-Greek. The Romans used the word to describe any foreigners who wanted to attack them. So attacks from “barbarians” came in many types, including . . .

Visigoths. Western Goths, who once ruled much of contemporary Spain and France. The Visigoths practiced Arianism, which sounds racist but is actually just a branch of Christianity that denies Jesus’ place in the Trinity.

The Eastern Goths. Called Ostrogoths, they were somewhat less unfriendly toward the Roman Empire, though they still sacked some cities when the mood struck.

Vandals—It was the Vandals from northern Europe who sacked Rome in 455. The Vandals took treasures from the Temple of Jerusalem, countless valuables, and even the empress, who was imprisoned in Carthage for seven years.

Death of a Hun
On the last night of his life, Attila was up partying to celebrate his marriage to Ildikó, a superhot Goth. Although Attila didn’t usually drink, the 47-year-old king proceeded to get trashed. Attila passed out, suffered a nosebleed in his sleep, and then pulled a variation on the Hendrix by choking to death—on his own blood. It’s one of those stories too odd to be made up, and most scholars believe in its historicity. But a few have argued that Attila was murdered—possibly by his new wife, and possibly by political enemies (of whom, goodness knows, he had plenty).

Conversation Starters
◆ While generally reviled as a barbarian in the West, Attila is a national hero in eastern Europe and central Asia. In both Hungary and Turkey, “Attila” is a popular name for boys, and girls are often named after Attila’s last wife, Ildikó.

◆ Although Attila started a lot of wars over gold, he didn’t care much about the finer things. He ate from a wooden plate, drank from a wooden cup, and apparently ate nothing but meat.

◆ Like Mickey Rooney, Lana Turner, and Elizabeth Taylor, Attila married more than six different people.

◆ Many sources claim Attila was a semifrequent cannibal, which—while certainly not impossible—was a charge usually leveled by enemy historians. But the most damning charge is that Attila committed the double taboo of incestuous cannibalism, which is so gross we can hardly even think about it. Supposedly, Attila’s wife killed two of his sons in retribution for the murder of her brothers. And then she cooked the kids and served them to Attila, claiming they were a rare and tender meat. (Which, technically, we suppose, was not a lie.)