Name-dropping:
God (like it sounds).
Today mostly known for his compassion, justice, infinite power, and knowledge. But back in the day, the gods of Olympus were as petty, jealous, and lame as people—only more powerful. In continuing our introduction to the Olympian deities, we turn now to the boys.

When to Drop Your Knowledge:
Nothing ends a miserable conversation with a drunk who wants to take you home quite like “I wonder if I should ask Poseidon or Zeus to smite you. Zeus’s lightning would be faster, but Poseidon’s trident might be more fun to watch.”

The Basics
ZEUS
King of the gods, Zeus looked a little like Santa Claus, but without the cheery disposition. Wielding his trademark thunderbolt, Zeus ruled over Olympus and earth, justly resolving disputes and putting people and gods in their proper place. But don’t mistake his greatness for goodness: Zeus constantly cheated on his wife, Hera (who was also his sister), had innumerable illegitimate children, and would transform himself into almost anything (bull, swan, whatever) to bed a fair maiden.

APOLLO
The hottest of the male Olympians, Apollo was also an archer the likes of which hasn’t been seen outside of Middle Earth elfdom. Combine his good looks with the fact that he was the god of poetry and music, and it’s no surprise that Apollo did well with the ladies.

ARES
The god of war, Ares was loved by Aphrodite but hated by most everyone else (in The Iliad, Zeus says to him, “To me you are the most hateful of all gods who hold Olympus,” which really hurts coming from your dad). Ares was said not to care who won or lost a battle so long as the fight was bloody.

POSEIDON
King of the sea and earthquakes, Poseidon was one of the gods least friendly to mortals. He was also associated with horses, so it’s no wonder Greek sailors often drowned a horse before voyages to avoid his wrath.

HEPHAESTUS
The God of fire and blacksmiths, Hephaestus is also known as “the Greek god we always forget exists.” It was Hephaestus who, with the help of some cylcops, forged Zeus’s thunderbolts and his scepter. He also made arrows for Eros, who would later be called Cupid.

HERMES
The messenger of the Olympian gods, Hermes had the unenviable job of escorting mortals to the underworld when their time came. He wore a winged helmet, sort of like Viking fans, and was also associated with bringing dreams to mortals during sleep.

Greek to Roman
As previously noted, it’s best to use the Greek names for gods if you want to seem intellectually up-to-date. But if nothing else, understanding the Roman names helps you to realize just how many planet namings the Greeks got screwed out of.

GREEK ROMAN

Zeus → Jupiter
Apollo → Apollo
Ares → Mars
Poseidon → Neptune
Hephaestus → Vulcan
Hermes → Mercury

Extra Credit:
DIONYSUS
He didn’t live on Olympus, but the god of alcohol is, almost by definition, the god of cocktail parties—so no cheat sheet would be complete without him. Dionysus mostly used his powers for the forces of good. For example, when a Greek deity misbehaved, Dionysus would show up, the offender would get so drunk s/he’d pass out, and then things would be made right.

FROM HUNCHBACK TO DREAMBOAT
Hephaestus was the ugliest deity on Olympus, and was usually portrayed as having a lame leg. So the ancient Greeks would no doubt be surprised to learn that their little lame Hephaestus, known to the Romans as Vulcan, is today the subject of the world’s largest cast-iron sculpture. Built in 1904, Birmingham, Alabama’s Vulcan stands 56 feet tall, weighs 120,000 pounds, and shows the god’s bare (and decidedly not lame) derrière. The bare buns caused a scandal when the state of Alabama tried to place the statue in downtown Birmingham. For 30 years Vulcan gathered dust at the Alabama State Fairgrounds. But today he stands tall and proud and very muscular atop Birmingham’s Red Mountain.

Conversation Starters
◆ With his trident and beard, Poseidon bears a bit of a resemblance to Christian portrayals of Satan. Coincidence? Probably not entirely. Early Christians often associated Roman gods (like Poseidon, or as he was known in Rome, Neptune) with the evils of paganism—and many scholars argue that Satan’s trident, if nothing else, has its roots in Neptune.

◆ Poseidon may not have been Satanic, but he was a bit odd. One of his main interests was trying to have sex with his sister, Demeter, who, needless to say, didn’t swing that way. In fact, when Demeter turned herself into a mare to resist his advances, the clever (and extraordinarily perverted) Poseidon transformed into a stallion and proceeded to mate with her. Boy, they sure don’t make gods like they used to.

◆ It was prophesied that Zeus’s father, Cronus, would be overthrown by one of his children. So, like any quick-thinking god, Cronus swallowed each of his kids as they were born. Only Zeus, the youngest of the six, was saved from Cronus’s mouth, and when he became a young man, he convinced his dad—honestly—to puke up Zeus’s five brothers and sisters. The siblings—Demeter, Hestia, Hera, Hades, and Poseidon—were all fixtures in the Greek pantheon, but they each deferred to their little brother and savior (and husband, in Hera’s case).