Name-dropping:
Santa Claus (aka Sinterklaas, Kriss Kringle, Jolly St. Nick—the guy’s got more pseudonyms than a third-rate romance novelist). You might also know him as Saint Nicholas, bishop of Myra (who lived and died sometime during the fourth century CE)

When to use Your Knowledge:
Well, whatever you do, don’t use it around kids. The world is hard enough for children without knowing the dark truths of Santology. But your newfound knowledge of all things Santa should be a huge hit at the office Christmas party.

The Basics
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus—or was, anyway. His name was Nicholas, and during the fourth century CE, he was bishop of Myra (a city in Turkey, and consequently, a bit of a walk from the North Pole). Little is known of Nicholas’s life, but he was apparently imprisoned for his faith until the emperor Constantine converted to Christianity in 312. Nicholas also probably attended the influential Council of Nicea in 325, at which the books of the Bible were once and for all decided upon.

As bishop, Nicholas gained a reputation as a friend of the people, and after his death, he gained popularity as a patron saint, protecting everyone from sailors to children. In fact, by the 11th century, he was one of Europe’s most popular saints. But how did the celibate Turkish bishop end up as a fat white guy who was shacked up with a Mrs. in the North Pole?

Well, Nicholas’s patronage of children led many European families to give gifts (like candy, not like dual-exhaust scale- model electric-powered Hummers) to their kids on his feast day, December 6. The tradition was especially popular with the Dutch, who brought the custom over to New York in the 17th century. And since the Dutch called St. Nick Sinterklaas, slowly, St. Nicholas’s feast day became conflated with Christmas, and Sinterklaas became Santa Claus.

But Santa’s big break came in 1822 with the publication of Clement Clarke Moore’s poem, “A Visit from St. Nicholas” (now known as “ ’Twas the Night Before Christmas”). The poem was such a huge hit that it single-handedly created many facets of the Santa myth, including the reindeer, the North Pole, and Santa’s talent for squeezing through chimneys. By the mid-19th century, Santa had his current job, but it wasn’t until the Civil War that he landed his world-famous outfit. In 1863, a cartoonist named Thomas Nast, who incidentally also drew the first version of the Uncle Sam we recognize today, published a drawing of a fat, bearded man with a thick fur suit in Harper’s Weekly. Over the next 20 years, Nast’s annual Santa portraits became a staple in Harper’s.

The Santa brand grew further with the help from the masters of marketing: Coca-Cola. In the 1930′s, illustrator Haddon Sundblom drew a series of advertisements featuring a jolly, red-suited Santa drinking Coca-Cola. The campaign helped popularize Coke as a drink for all seasons (it was previously most popular in the summertime), but it also cemented Santa as a universal, and completely secular, American icon. Santa drinking a Coke marked the ultimate triumph of secular commercialism over piety and generosity–and Christmas has been more and more fun ever since.

Not So Jolly St. Nick
Nicholas had a reputation for kindness and benevolence, but he sure hated paganism. After the Roman emperor Constantine converted to Christianity, Nicholas personally supervised the destruction of the most beautiful structure in his diocese, the Temple to Artemis. Nicholas also destroyed all the pagan icons in Myra, leading us to wonder how he’d feel about having become a big, fat, reindeer-driving icon himself.

Very Merry Math
Many children figure out the nonexistence of Santa Claus when they begin to contemplate the enormity of his task. And, indeed, Santa would need some rocket-powered reindeer: Assuming the world contains two billion households and Santa visits every one over the course of 24 hours, he would have to travel at a rate of 8,000,000 meters per second, leaving him precious little time to dip cookies in milk.

Conversation Starters
◆ St. Nicholas’s list of patronages is one of the longest in all Christendom. His connection to children led to his role as Santa, but Nicholas also watches over notaries, pharmacists, poets, soldiers, and the imprisoned, among many others. In fact, he’s such a versatile saint that he also serves as a patron for both prostitutes and virgins. (Honestly.)

◆ There’s long been a theory that Clement Clarke Moore did not write “ ’Twas the Night Before Christmas,” but plagiarized it from obscure poet Henry Livingston Jr. The notion gained credibility when literature professor Don Foster, who utilized computer software to out Joe Klein as the author of the previously anonymous Primary Colors, claimed that Moore’s writing style was utterly incongruent with the classic Christmas poem. Moore still has plenty of defenders—but it’s quite possible the man who helped invent the modern Santa was a sham.

◆ In Greece, the Santa role is still sometimes played by St. Basil the Great, who delivers presents not on Christmas but New Year’s (his feast day) riding atop a donkey. Basil, who lived about the same time as St. Nicholas, came from a family of saints: The Eastern Orthodox Church also sainted his mother, grandmother, sister, and two of his brothers.