The Dilemma: You’re vaguely worried about a pop quiz at the Pearly Gates.

People You Can Impress: well, Jesus, obviously

The Quick Trick: Unless Jesus Christ himself has named you an apostle, discipleship is really the best you can hope for.

The Explanation:
The words are often used interchangeably, but they don’t quite share a meaning. All Christians are (or at least ought to be) disciples of Christ, because they follow his teachings. (Disciple comes from the Latin discipulus, which means “pupil.”) But very, very few Christians have ever been full-on apostles, because “apostle” is a title that only Jesus himself could give someone. If a disciple is a pupil, then an apostle is something of a traveling salesman (its Greek root word technically means “delegate,” but “traveling salesman” is funnier). The 12 disciples officially became Jesus’ delegates when he personally sent them out into the world to preach and heal.

Over the years, many people have claimed that Jesus named them apostles (see, for instance, David Koresh), and many evangelical Christian groups believe that all their members are apostles who’ve been dispatched by Jesus—which is why they often show up on your doorstep. But all Christians agree that there have been at least 13 apostles: the 12 ODs (that is, Original Disciples) and the apostle Paul, who met Jesus after his resurrection.

The 12: A Quick Rundown

Simon called Peter: Fisherman who left his nets to follow Jesus; became the first pope; probably crucified around 64 CE.

Andrew: Peter’s brother; didn’t get to be pope, but probably did get crucified (on an X-shaped cross, now known as a St. Andrew’s Cross and seen on the flag of Scotland).

James: Known as “St. James the Greater”; one of the first to follow Jesus; wasn’t crucified, but was martyred by the sword.

John: Possibly the author of The Gospel According to John and The Book of Revelation to John; he was the rare disciple who lived to old age.

Philip: Not widely mentioned in the Gospels, Philip reportedly died during a crucifixion even though a miraculous earthquake shook him loose from the cross.

Bartholomew: Pals with Philip, Bartholomew (according to tradition) was flayed alive in Armenia and then crucified upside down.

Matthew: Known as “the tax collector” and the author of The Gospel According to Matthew, tradition holds that Matthew was martyred in either Ethiopia or Parthia.

Thomas: The Thomas behind “Doubting Thomas,” he is supposed to have been the first missionary to India. Martyred, naturally.

James: Known by the unfortunate moniker “James the Lesser” and barely mentioned in the gospels, although he may have written the underread Book of James. Probably martyred.

Simon: Commonly referred to as “Simon the Zealot,” he was reportedly put to death by a saw.

Judas Iscariot: Most likely betrayed Jesus for 30 lousy pieces of silver, and ended up killing himself.

The Other Judas: So many people got Judas Thaddeus confused with the-Judas-who-betrayed-Jesus that veneration of Thaddeus came to be known as a “lost cause.” Thaddeus is now the patron saint of lost causes. Martyred.