Mental Floss

Contest winner: Who's the turkey now?


Okay, now I kind of wish we'd bought several turkeys and had even more leftovers, because we sure did get a lot of brilliant suggestions for what to do with our festering turkey carcass. (Mmm, yummy!) Maybe you can tell by what I just wrote, but I decided that we'd publish all the recipes next year; for the purposes of this contest, we're focusing on the more bizarre suggestions. Because, really, who wouldn't want:

  • A "meat helmet:" "Go to the local park and run around trying to avoid birds, dogs, fat children and whatever might want to devour the thanksgiving fowl."
  • Coyote bait: "The gelatinous slurry from the bottom of the roaster acquires a piquance that moondoggies find irresistable."
  • A turkey gun: "Ever heard of potato guns? ... Who knows, it might even be lethal."
  • A turkey bowling ball: "Good luck, and bring a mop."
  • A turkey marionette: "History shows that the Turkey Marionette actually originated in France in the 1600's when there was a tree shortage for children's toys." [Editor's note: The full description, by previous winner Jamieson, is extremely funny; go read it.]
  • Turkey tape: "My grandson's science teacher, last year, used a small piece of turkey in place of cellophane tape to adhere a poster to the classroom wall. The students had a hard time paying attention to the teacher because they kept watching the corner of the poster, waiting for it to become unstuck."

But the prize ultimately goes to an entry that we thought, at first, was serious.

Ok, first you need the Ronco Dehydrator. You pick off the meat you want, then pop the whole thing into the R.D. Dry it out for about 3 days. Take it out, then wrap it with parchment paper soaked in parafin. Leave it in a warm dry place for a week. Next, take a coat hanger and bend it into a nice circle that sits inside the bird's chest cavity and VOILA! You have a beautiful, recycled and natural lamp shade.

I'm laughing too hard to actually engage in this gruesome arts and crafts project -- but hey, Creesto, send me your contact info, and I'll get your prize on its way.