Coke and meth never tasted so good

Ransom Riggs

Your morning pick-me-up just got a wee bit stronger. Yes, from the marketing geniuses who brought you "Cocaine," a Red Bull rip-off which aims to borrow the cool mystique of a class-A narcotic to "mainline" their product directly to young folk, comes "Meth Coffee." "If you're just trying it for the first time, don't throw back five cups like regular coffee," the company said on its website. "Ease into it. Have a little. Feel the rush, the euphoria, the smooth-edged high. Then go for more, if you want."

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Meth's secret ingredient? It's "dusted with" yerba mate (subtle, guys), a born-to-be-mild leaf commonly used in Southern Hemisphere teas -- or as the company tells it, a "powerful stimulant that has been kept secret by South American shamans till now." It's also "available in whole-bean or POWDER forms" (emphasis theirs), "brightens household chores" (I believe this is known as "tweaking") and is roasted "over an open flame" (hmm, with a bent spoon?)

Now that's what I call a "gateway" drink!