Back when I was trying to get in touch with Mr. Xavier Roberts, expert needle molder and creator of the Cabbage Patch Dolls empire, the receptionists at Babyland General Hospital could sniff around all my aliases. Though I never got through to him, I did spend a lot of time on hold learning all about the adoption process--C-sections (uh, that's Cabbage-section), birth certificates, everything. If it had been in the budget, I might have considered a visit, if for no other reason than to find out if this very special General Hospital is as psychedelic as it seems: consider, please, the LPNs (Licensed Patch Nurses) who give hospital tours, winding past proto-dolls (originally, awkwardly called Little People) that can draw up to $25k, past the ICU packed with preemies who are victims of "unexpected frost in the Cabbage Patch," and past the "Magic Crystal Tree" populated with "Mother Cabbages." The virtual tour I took spent a good portion of the slide show explaining how hybrids called Bunnybees determine the sex of the baby, and how the actual birthing unfolds: "Mother Cabbage is dilated 10 leaves apart. Everything looks normal. 'A little more Imagicillan please.'" Stat! Has anyone ever been here?