Calculating Your Dog's Age/Intensive Market Research

Jason English

Our dog turns 22-months-old this week. That's human months. I could do the old 1-dog-year-equals-7-human-years calculation, but I'm anti-math on Mondays. So instead I decided to hit up and take a fifteen-minute survey. We covered every aspect of Bailey's life: eating habits, exercise routine, regular visitors (I named names), toys she'd want on a deserted island, Blake vs. Jordin and so on.

Halfway through, I realized I was supplying DogAge sponsor Purina with a treasure trove of consumer data. They'll be aiming highly targeted ads at me for the rest of Bailey's life, the length of which they can easily estimate. I feel like Michael Douglas in The Game* when he realizes all that paperwork he filled out helped decode his PINs and passwords.

I now receive regular email from DogAge; it goes to my "email I don't want" Hotmail address, so I don't mind. Today's DogAge Tip is about how to prevent separation anxiety, a problem I know they know plagues us. Big Brother is watching, but at least he's providing helpful advice.

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*I saw this movie in 1998. There's a chance this comparison is ill-conceived—a chance I'm willing to take.