Last Call with Michael Stusser

Hello again! Michael Stusser, here, with my final day of Blogstery!

On October 12, 1504, Queen Isabella I of Spain signed her last testament. More than a "last will and testament" kinda thing, this particular document (famously illustrated in Rosales's painting now residing in the Madrid Museum laid out Queenie's ideas for the protection of American Indians (shame she didn't attempt to protect other minority groups under her rule) and Spain's mission in Africa (one many tribes felt should be left to those who were born there"¦). Too little too late, perhaps, but an effort to leave a lasting legacy "“ like Oprah, "˜cept with an iron tiara.

And with that, I give you a conversation with Queen Isabella . For more in-depth interviews, you'll have to buy my book - but it'll be worth it, or I'll give you a money-back guarantee. (Not valid in lower 48 states or upper two. Terms of guarantee may vary. Offer only applies to books other than this one. Author is insane, has no official affiliation with mental_floss and cannot be held accountable for his claims or actions.)

Have a great day "“ and thanks for hanging with me this week. For more info on the book (including some wacky audio interviews with dead guys and gals), hit my MySpace page, or shoot me an e-mail on my website."¦

Michael A. Stusser

Read the interview after the jump...

THE INTERVIEW

Queen Isabella I (Apr 22, 1451-Nov 26, 1504)

Isabella the Catholic, along with hubby Ferdinand, reigned over not one kingdom - but two "“ two, two kingdoms in one! Wearing the crown jewels proudly for Spain, she co-ruled the Castile (land of castles) from 1474 "“1504 as well as Aragon (1479-1504). Twice the land-mass, twice the cash flow! Isabella's father, John II, died when she was only three, and she was raised under the slightly obsessive eye of her mother (also named Isabella, of Portugal). At the tender age of 13, Izzy was brought to her half-brother's court (King Henry IV), so the teen could be watched like a hawk (and not sneak out to the mall). There was plenty of opposition to Henry, including a movement to replace his rule with Isabella's younger brother Alfonso. As so often happens in history, they put an end to the squabbling in an efficient manner, poisoning Alfonso in 1468. (Note to self: don't drink the water!) Rebellious nobles then offered the crown to Isabella, but she refused, instead becoming Henry's heiress. Henry died in 1474, and, after a nasty civil war of succession, Isabella was recognized as Queen of Castile. After some speed-dating, she married Ferdinand II of Aragon, and they ruled the two territories for thirty-five years. Together they were known as the Catholic Kings, and united the principle Spanish kingdoms. Beginning in 1480, the dynamic duo also cleaned Spain out of its large Muslim and Jewish populations through the Spanish Inquisition, forcing anyone who didn't agree with Christianity to flee, convert or be tried by the Supreme Council of the Inquisition (Suprema) "“ a kangaroo Catholic court with a swift guilty verdict and a penchant for torture as punishment. Isabella, along with Ferdinand, made Spain into an empire in the New World, extending their rule (and Christianity) overseas with the help of a chap named Christopher Columbus who they funded in 1492.

MS: A blonde haired, blue-eyed heiress of Castile. Bet you were popular.

QI: By the time I was 18, I already had three marriage proposals on the table.

MS: Was that a good thing?

QI: Well the French candidate was out immediately. Bad breath. The boy from Aragon was sweet, and it was between him and the Portuguese fella, who was actually a King!

MS: Tough choice.

QI: I had help. My pack of advisors narrowed it down to Alfonso V (King of Portugal) and Ferdinand of Aragon. My half-brother (Henry) lobbied hard for Alfonso, but I went with Ferd.

MS: Yes, married to Ferdinand V "The Catholic" of Spain, on October 19, 1469.

QI: He was quite the Renaissance prince. Studied Latin and history and music. And he could dance, ooh!

MS: Henry didn't approve of the marriage.

QI: He hated the Portuguese. Mainly the food "“ gave him gas - but Portuguese people too.

MS: Yours was the only queenship in the fifteenth century. Is it difficult to be Queen?

QI: Not particularly, no. Choosing the right tiara can be a challenge, but, otherwise, I used my femininity to my advantage. I'd play the "dutiful wife" at public gatherings, hanging off Ferdinand's arm, giving him kisses, mending his robes. People love royal couples "“ just look at Prince Charles and Diana.

MS: Now, you and Ferdinand had an interesting ruling arrangement.

QI: We kept our kingdoms quite separate. I made all final decisions in regard to Castile, and Ferdinand was the go-to-guy in Aragon.

MS: Talk about separate bedrooms!

QI: We laid it all out in the royal pre-nup. Each kingdom had separate parliaments, independent courts, as well as our own tax and monetary systems.

MS: Was there some sort of problem?

QI: No. Heavens no. It's just how we rolled. Kinda like when Bill and Hillary were in office, but in my case I was recognized as a co-ruler.

MS: Who did the dishes?

QI: You must be joking.

MS: I am, your highness. Was there any division of labor?

QI: I dealt more with the government bureaucracy and the justice department. My husband liked to dabble in foreign affairs, taking over other countries, that sort of thing.

MS: You guys had a nice catch phrase, "Tanto monta, monta tanto "“ Isabel como Fernando." What the hell does that mean?

QI: "As much as the one is worth, so much is the other "“ Isabella as Fernando."

MS: I need a tissue.

QI: Don't get too choked up. I ruled with an iron fist when I needed to.

MS: Yeah, I was getting to that. You kicked out the Jews, took over Granada -

QI: Reclaimed Granada from eight centuries of Moorish domination, dear man.

MS: Forced the Muslims to convert or leave the country. Anything I'm leaving out?

QI: I'd like to go on record as saying that my interest in religious reform was a genuine concern for the Christian spiritual life "“ and afterlife "“of my citizens. I was also quite a patron of the arts, if anyone cares.

MS: Well the Spanish Inquisition was a little harsh, yer highness.

QI: We are talking about religious minorities who had an opportunity to reform, or vacation elsewhere.

MS: You may have gotten religious uniformity out of the deal, but there were some nasty trials, not to mention burning folks at the stake. That's not gonna look good on the travel brochure.

QI: Next question.

MS: How'd Columbus get you to sponsor his voyage, anyway?

QI: Christopher was a charming fellow, very cultured. In addition, when he discovered new lands, they became property of Castile. I liked the beachfront property.

MS: Oh. Well that is a good deal. He also looted tons of gold and silver and precious gems, leading to the Spanish Golden Age.

QI: A girl needs her jewelry. And since I'm using this interview to enhance my long-term reputation "“

MS: Please tell me you're not promoting a movie version of your life.

QI: No, no. Though my favorite portrayal was by Sigourney Weaver. What I was getting at was that I think it should be known that when Columbus brought Native Americans back to Spain - against their will - I had the funny little people returned and freed.

MS: You kept all the gems and art though.

QI: I am about through with you.

MS: Let's talk briefly about succession. Long term, you tried to bond the Spanish crown with other rulers in Europe. How'd that turn out?

QI: We had Juan, our Crown Prince, married off to Margaret of Austria.

MS: Good hook up with the Habsburgs!

QI: Then our oldest daughter, Isabelle, married Manuel I "“

MS: Portugal's in the house!

QI: And Juana married Philip, a nice boy, also a Habsburg prince.

MS: Well then everything turned out smashing!

QI: No, you fool, it did not. Isabella died in childbirth, her son died at two"¦

MS: Oh, dear.

QI: And Juan passed soon after his marriage.

MS: Yeah, but at least you still had your daughter Juana the Mad ("˜la loca). I mean, she married a guy named Philip the Handsome!

QI: Let's just say crazy and handsome don't mix.

MS: Tell me about it! My wife's crazy!

QI: I wish to be with Ferd, now. This interview is finished.

MS: Where's the love, Queenie Love?

The Dead Guy Interviews