4 Infomercials You Need to See (for Products You Don't Need to Buy)

Infomercials -- as close as you can get to intentionally-produced visual white noise -- are great to fall asleep to. But as charmingly weird and hokey as they can be, there are very, very few that I would ever subject you, dear reader, to watching on purpose. Consider these products the sideshow freaks of infomercial sales items; gee-gaws and gimcracks so bizarre that one could only imagine buying them as a joke. But if we don't confront our mistakes face-to-face (Hawaii chair, I'm looking at you), then we're doomed forever to repeat them. In other words, let's get this party started.

The Hawaii Chair
This now-famous "hula chair" was featured on the Ellen DeGeneres show a few weeks ago, and since then has gone a good ways toward proving it deserves a place along other immortalized bits of weird junk like the Flow-Bee and the Pocket Fisherman. "If you can sit, you can get fit ..." It's the American dream! Here's how it works:

Rejuvenique Electric Facial Mask
Oh, you thought the Hawaii chair was weird? Well, you'll really look like a freak when you start using the Rejuvenique mask and the Hawaii chair at the same time ... no, it's not some Kafkaesque form of torture; it's like "doing 8 crunches every second ... with your face!" Intrigued?

Dr. Hos's Electric Impulse Massager
Somewhat akin to the Rejuvenique in concept, the fun part of this ad is less the product (quackery though it may be) and more the shill who's talking about it. Enjoy!

Almighty Cleanse
This amazing -- nay, holy -- cleanse is so effective, users never know what they'll excrete! Hilarious -- and definitely NSFW!

Encrusted Colon Matter
Uploaded by ColonHealth