If Mystery Science Theater Did Movies from the 80s

Ransom Riggs

Mystery Science Theater 3000 raised making fun of crappy movies to a veritable art form -- but the show focused on movies from the 50s and 60s, even though plenty of ridiculous films have been made in the last few decades. For every Ed Wood from the 50s there are five Alan Smithees from the 80s, and having lived through those years -- and those bad movies -- I feel duty-bound to expose some of them here. Enjoy!

The Stuff (1985)

Miners discover an edible, goolike material that has an addictive taste, which is quickly marketed to consumers as a new kind of ice cream. They discover too late, however, that "the Stuff" is alive, and takes over the brains of those who eat it.

Hawk Jones (1986)

An action movie along the lines of Die Hard -- but with an all-child cast -- makes for one of the most surreal viewing experiences imaginable. Check out this shootout scene between kid cops and a kid robber.

The Old Flaming Shoe Trick (198?)

I don't know the name of the movie this is excerpted from, but this scene alone more than earns it a place on this list. Via Everything is Terrible.

Blood Beach (1981)

Jaws made the water scary, and Blood Beach tries (but fails) to make the sand scary. People on an LA beach are getting sucked into sand pits by some mysterious creature. What is it, and how can it be stopped? Young, attractive people search for clues as the bodies pile up.

Knights of the city (1986)

They're a gang. They're rappers. They're rapping in jail.

The Neverending Story III (1994)

As a sequel to a classic 80s movie, I'm grandfathering this one in. If you have fond memories of the original and would rather keep them pure and untainted, you might not want to watch this eyeball-searingly bad scene from part III:

Black Terrorist (1985)

An apartheid-era South African movie about a marauding gang of terrorists who rampage their way through a tiny white settlement in the desert, killing and raping willy-nilly. Our friends at Everything is Terrible have created this montage of all the juiciest bits. ("Finally! A movie that portrays a specific race in an incredibly negative light!")

The Toxic Avenger (1985)

This list wouldn't be complete without a Troma movie -- possibly cinema's most prolific producer of tasteless, low-budget schlock. One of the crowning achievements of their 200+ title library is The Toxic Avenger, about a nerdy weakling who falls into a vat of radioactive waste and is transformed into a hideous-looking superhero.

Biohazard (1985)

An alien monster uses a psychic to try and take over the world. This worst-of edit, courtesy of Everything is Terrible, contains a teensy bit of NSFW language. Deal with it!