Jason English's 30th Birthday Extravaganza!

It's my birthday, but I'm passing the savings along to you! (Or something like that.)

Because planning an actual party would be a logistical nightmare—what are the chances we could find a date that worked for everyone?—let's skip to the part where I hand out goodie bags. To celebrate the end of my roaring twenties, we're going to give away some magazines.

Now, what's likely to happen here is this: we'll get 400 "I'll take a free magazine!" emails in the next half-hour, leaving 370 of you disappointed. That sounds like a pretty crappy party, even by fake party standards. So I'll pick 10 other people at random to receive t-shirts and books to cushion the stinging blow of disappointment.

[Note: Those are the actual goodie bags my wife assembled for our daughter's 1st birthday party last week. We forgot all about them until everyone had left. Do Smarties and Dum Dums keep?]