An Open Letter to the Occupants of a House on the Nintendo Game Paperboy

Jason English

I get a kick out of the 'Open Letters' series on McSweeney's, and I spent a few solid years mastering the GameBoy version of Paperboy. So this was right up my alley...

Dear Sir/Madam: I am writing to apologize for causing damage to your property on "Tuesday," when the newspapers I was attempting to deliver accidentally broke two of your windows, overturned your garbage cans, and, most despicably, unearthed a gravestone in your front lawn. The extremely hazardous and fast-paced sidewalk of the street you live on made my adrenaline jolt, and I had no choice but to pedal away, narrowly avoiding a tornado, the Grim Reaper, and that break dancer who hangs around your house. Read the rest of the letter at

[This is not new, but I found it this morning via Stacy Conradt's Twitter page, which is my fourth favorite page on the internet, behind McSweeney's Open Letters archive, Cake Wrecks and Fact Unchecked.]