A recent Psychology Today article by Gretchen Rubin provides a list of clues that you might be boring someone during a conversation. I've certainly been trapped in conversations with people who didn't understand how to pick up on subtle clues that their long narrative about a weird dream they had or a particularly awesome golf game they played were boring the heck out of me -- and just the same, I'm sure I've been oblivious to those signs in others, as well. Have you been on the giving or receiving end of any of these signs?
1. Repeated, perfunctory responses. A person who repeats, "Oh really? Wow. Oh really? Interesting." isn't particularly engaged. 2. Simple questions. People who are bored ask simple questions. "When did you move?" "Where did you go?" People who are interested ask more complicated questions that show curiosity, not mere politeness. 3. Interruption. Although it sounds rude, interruption is actually a good sign, I think. It means a person is bursting to say something, and that shows interest. Similarly"¦ 4. Request for clarification. A person who is sincerely interested in what you're saying will ask you to elaborate or to explain. "What does that term mean?" "When exactly did that happen?" "Then what did he say?" are the kinds of questions that show that someone is trying closely to follow what you're saying. 5. Imbalance of talking time. I suspect that many people fondly suppose that they usually do eighty percent of the talking because people find them fascinating. Sometimes, it's true, a discussion involves a huge download of information desired by the listener; that's a very satisfying kind of conversation. In general, though, people who are interested in a subject have things to say themselves; they want to add their own opinions, information, and experiences. If they aren't doing that, they're probably keeping quiet in the hopes that the conversation will end faster. Or maybe you just aren't letting them get a word in -- recently I was talking to someone who, though fascinating, didn't want to let me contribute to the conversation. I enjoyed it, but not as much as if I'd been able to talk, too. 6. Abrupt changes in topic. If you're talking to someone about, say, the life of Winston Churchill (I have a tendency to dwell at length on this particular subject), and all of a sudden the other person says, "So how are your kids?", it's a sign that he or she isn't very interested or perhaps not listening at all. When someone makes this kind of switch, I have to fight the urge not to drag the topic back to what I want to talk about "“ but the fact that someone has introduced a completely different subject is a sure sign that the subject is not engaging. 7. Body position. People with a good connection generally turn to face each other. A person who is partially turned away isn't fully embracing the conversation. Along the same lines, if you're a speaker trying to figure out if an audience is interested in what you're saying: 8. Audience posture. Back in 1885, Sir Francis Galton wrote a paper called "The Measurement of Fidget." He determined that people slouch and lean when bored, so a speaker can measure the boredom of an audience by seeing how far from vertically upright they are. Also, attentive people fidget less; bored people fidget more. An audience that's sitting still and upright is interested, while an audience that's horizontal and squirmy is bored.
The article goes on to list a number of topics which are almost universally boring -- so if you find yourself delving into one of these, be sure and gauge your listener for any of the above signs of disengagement!
1. A dream. 2. The recent changes in your child's nap schedule. 3. The route you took to get here. 4. An excellent meal you once had at a restaurant. 5. The latest additions to your wine cellar. 6. An account your last golf game. 7. The plot of a movie, play, or movie—in particular, the funny parts.
What do you think? Are there any acutely boring topics of conversation they missed?
Learn more about Gretchen Rubin's adventures learning to be happier on her blog, The Happiness Project.