The Late Movies: Two Minute Movie Marathon!

Ransom Riggs

The fine folks at Everything is Terrible have made the hilarious enshortening of crappy movies into an art form. There's gold to be mined from obscure 80s action flicks, for instance, but who wants to waste hours sitting through dozens of just kind of terrible scenes to get to the really terrible ones? Now you don't have to -- EIT has done the time-wasting for us, distilling these films down to their terrible essences, so that in just two or three minutes you kind of feel like you've watched the whole thing.

To start off, let's go straight to the bottom of the cheese barrel, with PULSEBEAT. It's like Chariots of Fire, except it's about aerobics, and the acting is awful ... and so is everything else.

2 MINUTE PULSEBEAT from Airwave Ranger on Vimeo.

In case you're jonesing for even more 80s workout cinema (I just decided that's a genre), here's a movie about a deadly spa! It's called DEATH SPA.

OK, Jackie Brown is a great movie, but did you ever wonder how they show it on airplanes or in Sunday school classes? This is how. You melon farmer!

EIT describe BOAT TRIP as a "homophobic, sea-faring turd-fest," and indeed it is. Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Horatio Sanz accidentally book rooms on a gay cruise ship ... but they're NOT GAY! Hilarious! Actually, the funniest part comes near the end, when the video cuts to Cuba Gooding, Jr. winning an Oscar.

2-MINUTE BOAT TRIP! from Everything Is Terrible! on Vimeo.

BLAST is an action-comedy starring Eddie Griffin, and a compelling argument for why more action-comedies shouldn't star Eddie Griffin.

DEADLY DIAMONDS is basically screenwriting 101: remember, your characters need to have a MOTIVATION! And CONFLICT! And EXPLOSIONS!