The Weird Week in Review

Miss Cellania

Marines To Ban Audible Farts In Afghanistan

Silence is golden. A new order for U.S. Marines serving in Afghanistan bans audible farting. The ruling, meant to prevent offense to Afghans, was added to other injunctions against swearing and talking about politics or girls around local citizens. Marines may have a hard time conforming to the new policy, but are warned that the U.S. is trying win the hearts and minds of Afghans, some of whom view Americans as unwelcome occupiers.

Escaped Kangaroo Steals Underwear

Police in Prague, Czech Republic, began receiving calls about thefts of women's lingerie from clotheslines, at about the same time a man called to report his pet kangaroo, Benji, had escaped. It all made sense when one caller said she had witnessed a kangaroo hopping off with her underwear. The marsupial was picked up shortly afterward.

Benji's owner Petr Hlabovic, 35, said: "I'm very relieved to have him back. I've got no idea what he thought he was up to - he certainly didn't pick up the habit from me."

There is no mention of whether the unmentionables were returned to their rightful owners.

Man Regains Hearing After Earthquake

Robert Valderzak suffered a fall on Fathers Day and became completely deaf. Dr. Ross Fletcher at Veterans Affairs Hospital said the 75-year-old Valderzak's hearing loss was a combination of nerve damage and a conduction problem. However, on Tuesday while his four children were visiting, an earthquake shook Valderzak's home in Washington, D.C. and he felt something happening in his head. When the shaking stopped, he could hear again! Dr. Fletcher speculates that Valderzak may still have some hearing loss, but his patient can hear and understand what people are saying around him.

Paintball Ruptures Silicone Implant

A 26-year-old woman in Croydon, England, suffered a rupture of her breast implant when she was hit with a paintball. The game center, UK Paintball, had never seen such an injury before. They have since updated their consent forms to warn that customers should inform the center if they have breast implants before playing, and such players will be issued extra padding. The unnamed woman is expected to fully recover.

Memorial Bandit Caught in the Act

A series of thefts has been solved at the Toledo Police Memorial Garden. Officers had noticed small flags went missing over several days, but found no clue as to the identity of the perpetrator. On Wednesday, two policemen saw who was doing it. One of them snapped a picture of a squirrel in the act of grabbing a flag and a pink flower from the garden. The squirrel fled the scene and took the loot to its nest, which was discovered to be already festooned with stolen flags. No arrest were made, and the suspect is still at large.

Rogue Panda Fears Calmed

Someone got hold of an Arizona Department of Transportation electronic sign on Fort Valley Road in Flagstaff this week, and changed the message about left turns to "Rogue Panda on Rampage."

"We want to assure all citizens of Flagstaff that there is no problem with rogue pandas," said Lt. Ken Koch with the Flagstaff Police Department.

He does, however, encourage anybody who spots a member of the endangered species roaming Flagstaff streets to call the police department.

The sign, which was altered in the middle of the night, was corrected by 11 AM. No suspects have been identified. The good news is that the publicity may cause motorists to read electronic signs more carefully in the future.

The Dog Ate the Diamonds

A dog named Honey Bun is the mascot at John Ross Jewelers in Albany, Georgia, but he was caught eating up the profits a couple of weeks ago. While owner Chuck Roberts spoke to a customer, Honey Bun climbed on his desk and ate an entire packet of loose diamonds! An x-ray confirmed their suspicions. The dog had ingested about $10,000 worth of stones and the back of an earring, all of which were recovered the next day. Roberts says he will be more careful of leaving his desk chair where the dog can reach it.