In case you missed the new hotness back in October, I have bad news: your toilet is obsolete. BEHOLD, THE TOILET OF TOMORROW! The Kohler Numi is a Smart Toilet aimed at the US market, but reminiscent of Japanese supertoilets. It sports a heated seat, foot warmer, lights, a music system, a retracting bidet gizmo...it even has a remote control. Oh, and it detects when you approach it and opens its lid, as an invitation to, um, participate. Are you freaked out yet? In a lengthy review for the New York Times, Sam Grobart writes:
[The] seat, naturally, is heated, and the temperature can be adjusted from the remote. If desired, the Numi can also blow heated air from its base, warming your feet on chillier mornings. The Numi has what is referred to in the industry as "bidet features": it can wash and dry its user (there are modes for women and men). Both functions are accomplished via a wand that extends from under the seat that can spray water or blow air. Pressure and temperature are adjustable, as is the spray pattern, which can go from a steady blast to an oscillating pattern that can only be described as invigorating. ... An FM radio and stereo speakers are also built in. Up to three presets can be stored on the remote, which has settings for bass, treble and balance (you can also connect an MP3 player to listen to your own music). The audio quality was quite good, considering that you are listening to a toilet.
There's also an amusing video review, posted below. Best lines: "Toilet Sleep Mode?!" and "It had, in fact, crashed. I had to reboot the toilet."
For more on this masterpiece of modern toiletry, check out Kohler's site or just buy it on Amazon for the low-low price of $4,164. Yes, that's an affiliate link -- I'd get a cut of that sweet, sweet toilet cash you're dropping (ahem). I particularly enjoyed the user review "Finally, a toilet fashionable enough for my living room!!" Now let's all dial in our favorite tunes and have a nice flush, shall we?
See also: How to Use Toilet Paper, High Class (and high price) Toilets, Toilet Paper History: How America Convinced the World to Wipe, and Why Does Toilet Water Move When It’s Windy Outside? And now, back to our regular programming.