10 Things Kids Shouldn't Do (in 1819)

"The Accidents of Youth"
"The Accidents of Youth"

Childhood can be a dangerous time—especially if kids insist on not listening to their parents. Looking to curb incidents of youthful disobedience, Jas. W. and Chas. Adlard published The Accidents of Youth, a book of short cautionary tales (only slightly less horrifying than these), in 1819. The authors hoped the stories would encourage children to improve their conduct, presumably by scaring the crap out of them with tales of the extreme consequences of foolish activities that had been forbidden by parents.

“The inexperience and thoughtlessness natural at your age exposes you to many dangers,” the Adlards write in the opening letter. “You will behold the misfortunes that arise from disobedience and want of thought.” Those misfortunes include, but are not limited to, breaking an arm or a leg, cutting or burning yourself, swallowing pins, poisoning, and laming or killing yourself (or others). It’s not that the authors don’t want children to play or get exercise. Quite the opposite! “I am very much amused by your games, though they are sometimes noisy,” they write. “I wish you to be gay and to amuse yourselves at proper times; but you should never be rash or disobedient.”

Obviously, some of the advice is sound (don't play with guns and firecrackers, for starters). But sometimes, the consequences of these playtime activities are taken to the extreme. Here is a list of some of the dangerous activities the authors thought kids should probably avoid—or risk doing at their own peril.

1. Climb Trees

In “The Climbers,” Little Henry had a bad day. It all started when one of his friends, George, wanted to climb a tree to look for a bird’s nest. When the group of boys found it—all the way out on the end of a skinny limb—they were quick to recognize that the branch wouldn’t hold “the least boy among us.” But Henry and George's friend Charles called them all cowards and went to get the nest. His friends laughed as the bough began to bend, which made Charles afraid—and also made him stick with his foolish journey out to the nest. When the branch broke, “poor Charles fell to the ground … [he] could not speak, and the blood ran from his mouth and nose. … He seemed to be dead.”

Thankfully, Charles didn’t die, but he suffered a long and painful illness and would be a cripple for the rest of his life. Henry’s father, meanwhile, had strong words for his son and the other foolish boy:

I am shocked you have contributed so much toward it: the thought of it will always make you unhappy … You knew the danger he was in, and your conduct is therefore as criminal as if you had pushed him off the branch yourself. … But Charles … in climbing up the tree, he disobeyed his parents, who are wise people and, no doubt, had often warned him of the danger. … If your unhappy friend had not alarmed you by the terrible accident which befell him, I should at this moment have to deplore your death.

In other words: I told you not to climb trees, dummy! See what can happen?

2. Be a Glutton

“You might have compared him to the half-starved dogs that are always thrusting their noses into everything they meet with,” says the author, of the subject of “The Sad Adventures of Peter the Guzzler.” Peter is a glutton, and suffers a series of accidents brought on by his gluttony: He drinks medicine intended for an ill servant, which not only makes him sick but also earns him that unfortunate nickname; he hangs over a ditch to eat some strawberries, only to fall in, “where he remained, for some time, up to his neck in mud and water. He would have lost his life, if a countryman … had not come to his relief”; he is punished severely for stealing custard from a classmate; and he eats poison berries, after which “he was ill for a long time, and no one thought he would live.”

But none of that could convince him to stop eating everything he saw—until he heard the tale of another young glutton who thought he was drinking wine when he was actually drinking aqua-fortis (also known as nitric acid), with devastating results: “The unfortunate child died … the surgeons who opened him said his inside was the same as if it has been burnt. Thus, you see the shocking effects of gluttony!”

3. Tease Animals

“Old Daddy Simon; or, The Three Accidents” deals with the youthful misadventures of a man the naughty village boys call Old Daddy Simon. Simon is lame, blind in one eye, and has only one hand. When the boys (who routinely harass Simon) ask how he got to his current state, he tells them that it was because he liked to terrorize animals, despite the fact that his mother warned him not to.

When Simon was pulling out the whiskers of a tom-cat, the cat “threw out his paw so nimbly, that he scratched me in the left eye, and burst it.” Once Simon was healed, he was back to bugging animals, pulling on the ears, paws, and tails of dogs. He one day made the mistake of grabbing the paw of a very large dog, startling it: “he made a leap, turned, and at once bit my wrist nearly in two.” You’d think Simon would have learned his lesson by that point, but no: Later, when he was attempting to pull hair from a horse’s tail to make a fishing pole, the horse kicked him and broke his thigh. The moral of the story, in the words of Old Daddy Simon: “Thus, you see, for not listening to my mother, God has punished me three times.”

4. Be thoughtless

Edward, the title character of “The Thoughtless Boy” is a walking disaster. “He did every thing that came into his head, without thinking of the consequences,” the author writes. Edward walks backward and falls down the stairs; he listens at keyholes and gets his cheek scratched when his sister opens the door (the scratch somehow leaves him ill for days); he frequently almost blinds his sister, and once even shut her fingers in a door “and nearly pinched her fingers off.” Thoughtless boys also get flogged by their fathers when they put chairs on top of tiny tables to see what’s on high shelves, and almost fall and break a bone. The lesson: Be good or get beaten!

5. Throw Stones

In “The Danger of Throwing Stones,” the author finds a young man crying over the grave of his mother. Years before, the man—then a boy—had picked up the habit of throwing stones at animals and property from some other wayward youth. His mother told him to play with a woolen ball, and not stones, but he never did. One day, he threw some stones at a few birds on a hedge; the largest stone went through the bush and hit his mother, who was walking by, in the temple, killing her. His father sent him away to boarding school, and the young man never saw him again, only returning home after his father had died. “This melancholy tale will certainly teach children how dangerous it is to throw stones at any time, and how fatal the effects of disobedience may be,” the author writes.

6. Stick your head in staircase balustrade

You might want to look down through the railing, kids, but just don’t do it. Your head will get stuck, like the little girl’s in “The Balustrade of the Staircase.” Her father told her to stay there or to get out on her own, because “I wish to make you remember that your mamma told you never to look through the railing of the staircase.” The little girl eventually figures out how to free herself, “but not until she had scratched her ear sadly.”

Things ended kind of happily for her, the author notes, but not all children are so lucky. One little boy, pretending he was on horseback, got in the balustrade and then fell to his death.

7. Pound on Windows

Hit glass, and it might break: That’s the lesson Victor learns in “The Broken Window.” He’s banging on the window, pretending it’s a drum, despite warnings from his parents and the maid not to do so. The glass breaks, “cutting his hand in a shocking manner.” After his mother dresses his hand—and despite the fact that her son is in great pain—she tells him “your accident was your own fault; you ought to have listened to the good advice that was given to you. … You must think yourself very lucky … for you might have been lamed for life. Go to your room; your disobedience gives me more pain than your accident.” Way harsh, mom.

8. Play with pins

There are many reasons why you shouldn’t play with pins. For one, if you put them in your mouth—they could be dirty. Or a large dog could jump on your back, forcing them down your throat, as happened to little George in “The Pins”: “The more he tried to vomit them up,” the author says of the pins, which were in George’s throat crossways, “the faster they stuck.” Even a surgeon could do nothing for poor George, who “suffered the most dreadful agony for five or six days, died, and and left all his friends to deplore his unhappy end.”

Then there’s Amelia in “The Pin in the Soup.” Despite being warned not to store her pins in the front part of her dress (“some day when you are at table, one may fall in your plate, and you may swallow it”) Amelia did just that, and one day, a pin fell in her soup and she swallowed it. Thankfully, a surgeon saved her, but she still “suffered dreadfully.”

But the danger from pins doesn’t just come from swallowing them. In “The Pin in the Chair,” a mischievous little boy hides a pin in a chair cushion and tries to get his sister to sit on it. She refuses, and he forgets about the pin—and later sits on it himself when he comes to dinner. “The pin made a very bad wound, and they were obliged to send for a surgeon. For some time everybody thought he would be lame for life; but nobody pitied him.” The moral? "The wicked must suffer at one time or other!"

9. Get too close to fire

In “The Fire,” little Thomas pays his mother no heed when she tells him to step back from the candle. Instead, he gets too close, and sets his own hair aflame. His cries of distress bring his mother, who puts the fire out with a handkerchief. Here, the author has some advice: Don’t just cry like a baby, as Thomas did. Take action! “Make haste and smother the flame with the first thing you can find. … Many children [would do] nothing but cry, till they had been burned to death.” Still, Thomas learned a valuable lesson from singeing his hair: “The accident did him good, by teaching him to be more careful and obedient.”

The author isn’t done with fire, though. “The Little Girl Who Was Burnt” tells the story of Elizabeth, a beautiful but vain little girl who one day put on her mother’s jewelry and went to admire herself in the looking glass above the fireplace. But she stood too close to the flame, and her dress caught on fire. Her cries brought help, but too late: “The fire had burnt her clothes to ashes and scorched her in a shocking manner, and she expired, a few hours later, in the greatest agony,—leaving a dreadful lesson to those children who play too near to fire.”

10. Stick a stick in a beehive

“The Bees” opens with an authority figure telling William—“a naughty boy, who frequently did what he was told not to do”—not to go near the bees in the garden: “The bees are armed with a sting, which inflicts a severe wound; and they never fail to use it when they are disturbed.”

But William loves honey almost as much as he loves disobeying, and so he goes into the garden and thrusts a stick into the hive. He hopes to get a sweet treat, but what he gets instead is a swarm of bees, which settle on his head and start stinging “everything that was uncovered.” William runs into the house, still covered in bees; his family eventually drives the bees off, and William eventually turns “red as scarlet, and swelled beyond conception. The pain was so great that it was thought he would die.”

William had a fever and was ill for a long time, but eventually recovered, a valuable lesson learned: “I can assure you, that he never went again to disturb the bees, and was ever afterwards attentive to what was told him.”

Looking to Downsize? You Can Buy a 5-Room DIY Cabin on Amazon for Less Than $33,000

Five rooms of one's own.
Five rooms of one's own.
Allwood/Amazon

If you’ve already mastered DIY houses for birds and dogs, maybe it’s time you built one for yourself.

As Simplemost reports, there are a number of house kits that you can order on Amazon, and the Allwood Avalon Cabin Kit is one of the quaintest—and, at $32,990, most affordable—options. The 540-square-foot structure has enough space for a kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, and a sitting room—and there’s an additional 218-square-foot loft with the potential to be the coziest reading nook of all time.

You can opt for three larger rooms if you're willing to skip the kitchen and bathroom.Allwood/Amazon

The construction process might not be a great idea for someone who’s never picked up a hammer, but you don’t need an architectural degree to tackle it. Step-by-step instructions and all materials are included, so it’s a little like a high-level IKEA project. According to the Amazon listing, it takes two adults about a week to complete. Since the Nordic wood walls are reinforced with steel rods, the house can withstand winds up to 120 mph, and you can pay an extra $1000 to upgrade from double-glass windows and doors to triple-glass for added fortification.

Sadly, the cool ceiling lamp is not included.Allwood/Amazon

Though everything you need for the shell of the house comes in the kit, you will need to purchase whatever goes inside it: toilet, shower, sink, stove, insulation, and all other furnishings. You can also customize the blueprint to fit your own plans for the space; maybe, for example, you’re going to use the house as a small event venue, and you’d rather have two or three large, airy rooms and no kitchen or bedroom.

Intrigued? Find out more here.

[h/t Simplemost]

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10 Facts About Real Genius On Its 35th Anniversary

Val Kilmer stars in Martha Coolidge's Real Genius (1985).
Val Kilmer stars in Martha Coolidge's Real Genius (1985).
Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

In an era where nerd is a nickname given by and to people who have pretty much any passing interest in popular culture, it’s hard to imagine the way old-school nerds—people with serious and socially-debilitating obsessions—were once ostracized. Computers, progressive rock, and role-playing games (among a handful of other 1970s- early '80s developments) created a path from which far too many of the lonely, awkward, and conventionally undateable would never return. But in the 1980s, movies transformed these oddballs into underdogs and antiheroes, pitting them against attractive, moneyed, successful adversaries for the fate of handsome boys and pretty girls, cushy jobs, and first-place trophies.

The 1985 film Real Genius ranked first among equals from that decade for its stellar cast, sensitive direction, and genuine nerd bona fides. Perhaps fittingly, it sometimes feels overshadowed, and even forgotten, next to broader, bawdier (and certainly now, more problematic) films from the era like Revenge of the Nerds and Weird Science. But director Martha Coolidge delivered a classic slobs-versus-snobs adventure that manages to view the academically gifted and socially maladjusted with a greater degree of understanding and compassion while still delivering plenty of good-natured humor.

As the movie commemorates its 35th anniversary, we're looking back at the little details and painstaking efforts that make it such an enduring portrait not just of ‘80s comedy, but of nerdom itself.

1. Producer Brian Grazer wanted Valley Girl director Martha Coolidge to direct Real Genius. She wasn’t sure she wanted to.

Following the commercial success of 1984’s Revenge of the Nerds, there was an influx of bawdy scripts that played upon the same idea, and Real Genius was one of them. In 2011, Coolidge told Kickin’ It Old School that the original script for Real Genius "had a lot of penis and scatological jokes," and she wasn't interested in directing a raunchy Nerds knock-off. So producer Brian Grazer enlisted PJ Torokvei (SCTV) and writing partners Babaloo Mandel and Lowell Ganz (Splash, City Slickers) to refine the original screenplay, and then gave Coolidge herself an opportunity to polish it before production started. “Brian's original goal, and mine, was to make a film that focused on nerds as heroes," Coolidge said. "It was ahead of its time."

2. Martha Coolidge’s priority was getting the science in Real Genius right—or at least as right as possible.

In the film, ambitious professor Jerry Hathaway (William Atherton) recruits high-achieving students at the fictional Pacific Technical University (inspired by Caltech) to design and build a laser capable of hitting a human-sized target from space. Coolidge researched the subject thoroughly, working with academic, scientific, and military technicians to ensure that as many of the script and story's elements were correct. Moreover, she ensured that the dialogue would hold up to some scrutiny, even if building a laser of the film’s dimensions wasn’t realistic (and still isn’t today).

3. One element of Real Genius that Martha Coolidge didn’t base on real events turned out to be truer than expected.

From the beginning, the idea that students were actively being exploited by their teacher to develop government technology was always fictional. But Coolidge learned that art and life share more in common than she knew at the time. “I have had so many letters since I made Real Genius from people who said, 'Yes, I was involved in a program and I didn’t realize I was developing weapons,'" she told Uproxx in 2015. “So it was a good guess and turned out to be quite accurate.”

4. Val Kilmer walked into his Real Genius audition already in character—and it nearly cost him the role.

After playing the lead in Top Secret!, Val Kilmer was firmly on Hollywood’s radar. But when he met Grazer at his audition for Real Genius, Kilmer decided to have some fun at the expense of the guy who would decide whether or not he’d get the part. "The character wasn't polite," Kilmer recalled to Entertainment Weekly in 1995. "So when I shook Grazer's hand and he said, 'Hi, I'm the producer,' I said, 'I'm sorry. You look like you're 12 years old. I like to work with men.'"

5. The filmmakers briefly considered using an actual “real genius” to star in Real Genius.

Among the performers considered to play Mitch, the wunderkind student who sets the movie’s story in motion, was a true genius who graduated college at 14 and was starting law school. Late in the casting process, they found their Mitch in Gabriel Jarrett, who becomes the third generation of overachievers (after Kilmer’s Chris and Jon Gries’s Lazlo Hollyfeld) whose talent Hathaway uses to further his own professional goals.

6. Real Genius's female lead inadvertently created a legacy for her character that would continue in animated form.

Michelle Meyrink, Gabriel Jarret, Val Kilmer, and Mark Kamiyama in Real Genius (1985).Sony Pictures Home Entertainment

Michelle Meyrink was a staple of a number of ‘80s comedies, including Revenge of the Nerds. Playing Jordan in Real Genius, she claims to “never sleep” and offers a delightful portrait of high-functioning attention-deficit disorder with a chipper, erratic personality. Disney’s Chip 'n Dale: Rescue Rangers co-creator Tad Stones has confirmed that her character went on to inspire the character of Gadget Hackwrench.

7. A Real Genius subplot, where a computer programmer is gaming a Frito-Lay contest, was based on real events.

In the film, Jon Gries (Napoleon Dynamite) plays Lazlo Hollyfeld, a reclusive genius from before Chris and Mitch’s time who lives in a bunker beneath their dorm creating entries to a contest with no restrictions where he eventually wins more than 30 percent of the prizes. In 1969, students from Caltech tried a similar tactic with Frito-Lay to game the odds. But in 1975, three computer programmers used an IBM to generate 1.2 million entries in a contest for McDonald’s, where they received 20 percent of the prizes (and a lot of complaints from customers) for their effort.

8. One of Real Genius's cast members went on to write another tribute to nerds a decade later.

Dean Devlin, who co-wrote Stargate and Independence Day with Roland Emmerich, plays Milton, another student at Pacific Tech who experiences a memorable meltdown in the rush up to finals.

9. The popcorn gag that ends Real Genius isn’t really possible, but they used real popcorn to simulate it.

At the end of the film, Chris and Mitch build a giant Jiffy Pop pack that the laser unleashes after they redirect its targeting system. The resulting popcorn fills Professor Hathaway’s house as an act of revenge. MythBusters took pains to recreate this gag in a number of ways, but quickly discovered that it wouldn’t work; even at scale, the popcorn just burns in the heat of a laser.

To pull off the scene in the film, Coolidge said that the production had people popping corn for six weeks of filming in order to get enough for the finale. After that, they had to build a house that they could manipulate with hydraulics so that the popcorn would “explode” out of every doorway and window.

10. Real Genius was the first movie to be promoted on the internet.

A week before Real Genius opened, promoters set up a press conference at a computer store in Westwood, California. Coolidge and members of the cast appeared to field questions from press from across the country—connected via CompuServe. Though the experience was evidently marred by technical problems (this was the mid-1980s, after all), the event marked the debut of what became the online roundtable junket.