35 Kinds of Hot, Sexy Homophone Action

An article in the Salt Lake Tribune reports that Tim Torkildson, a social media specialist for an English learning center in Provo, was fired after his boss objected to a post he wrote about homophones. Torkildson said that the language center owner, Clarke Woodger, reprimanded him, saying that “now our school is going to be associated with homosexuality,” and told him to clean out his desk.

The story has gone viral, though it does seem somewhat suspicious. (Woodger says his problem with Torkildson is that he'd "go off on tangents" that some might consider offensive; the Tribune article also ends with the line “interestingly, [Torkildson] was hired on April Fools’ Day.”) But this Woodger character may be on to something. Sure, it’s easy to laugh at someone who would read anything about sexual orientation into an innocent term for words that sound alike but mean different things, but the world of homophones is not as innocent as it may seem. As a matter of fact, it’s totally sex-crazed. Just look at what homophones are into:

Suggestively racy behavior!

Oh owe
Wet whet
Laid lade
Bases basis
Oral aural
Sighs size
Cruise crews
Moan mown
Groan grown
Butt but
Sighed side
Intense intents
Illicit elicit

Drugs!

Weed we’d
High hi

Bondage!

Cord chord
Locks lox

Sexy Role-playing!

Nun none
Colonel kernel
Maid Made
Knight night
Serf surf

Weird fetishes!

Feet feat
Fur fir
Pee pea

Threesomes!

For four fore
Do due dew
Ewe you yew
Pedal peddle petal
To too two
Their they’re there
Buy by bye
Mary merry marry*

*They’re not into this one in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia 

And even foursomes!

Carat carrot caret karat
Medal mettle meddle metal

So laugh all you want. I, for one, will not be teaching my kids about homophones until they are at least 25.