18 Metaphors and Analogies Found in Actual Student Papers (Or Not—But They're Still Hilarious)

iStock
iStock

Okay, so we can't be 100 percent positive that these are from "actual" student papers. [Update: They are not.]

1. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling-Free.

2. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

3. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

4. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

5. He was as tall as a 6-foot, 3-inch tree.

6. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

7. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy! comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

8. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

9. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

10. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

11. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

12. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

13. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

14. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George, this plan just might work.

15. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

16. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

17. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

18. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

[These metaphors and similes came from the Washington Post Style Invitational Bad Simile and Metaphor Contest.]

Naples, Florida, Resort’s Bottomless Bloody Mary Bar Costs $35 and Offers 48,000 Flavor Combinations

The Catch of The Pelican
The Catch of The Pelican

There's no limit to the snacks, garnishes, and full-fledged meals that can be served on top of a Bloody Mary. And at the Naples Grande Beach Resort in Naples, Florida, you don't have to edit yourself when assembling the cocktail. The bottomless Bloody Mary bar at the hotel's Catch of the Pelican restaurant has enough ingredients to make 48,000 possible combinations, and guests can access them all for $35, Travel + Leisure reports.

The drinks served at this bar start with either red or green Bloody Mary mix and vodka, or tequila if you want to make yours a Bloody Maria. You can dip the rim of your glass in one of the eight salt and spice mixtures created in house and up the heat factor with a dash of hot sauce—20 brands of which are available.

But the garnishes are where the bar gets serious. With 75 toppings to choose from, the spread looks more like a Vegas buffet than a Bloody Mary bar. Options include classics like olives and celery, as well as over-the-top indulgences like egg rolls, jalapeño poppers, and fried ravioli.

A single drink from the bar costs $14, but $35 for the bottomless option isn't bad if you think of the garnishes as all-you-can-eat brunch. The Catch of the Pelican also sells brunch items that aren't served on top of cocktail glasses. For diners looking for a more simple drink to go with their meal, there's a make your own mimosa bar.

The hotel restaurant serves brunch every weekend from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. If you can't make it to Naples to try the Bloody Mary bar in person, you can experience the glory in the pictures below.

Bloody Mary Bar.
The Catch of The Pelican

Bloody Mary bar.
The Catch of The Pelican

Bloody Mary bar.
The Catch of The Pelican

Bloody Mary.
The Catch of The Pelican

[h/t Travel + Liesure]

We’re Lovin’ the McSki, Sweden’s Ski-Thru McDonald’s

Per-Olof Forsberg, Flickr // CC BY 2.0
Per-Olof Forsberg, Flickr // CC BY 2.0

Gliding down the slopes for a few hours can leave you happily exhausted and so ravenous that you wish you could stuff a big, juicy burger in your mouth before you even get back to the lodge. At one Swedish ski resort, you can.

Lindvallen, a ski resort located approximately 200 miles northwest of Stockholm, is home to the McSki, a quaint, wood-paneled McDonald’s that you simply ski right up to. If all the surrounding snow leaves you with a hankering for a McFlurry, have at it; Delish reports that you can order anything from the regular McDonald’s menu. (Having said that, we can’t promise the McFlurry machine will actually be working.)

The ski-thru window is ideal for skiers and snowboarders who don’t want to break for a lengthy lunch, but there’s an option for people who would rather not scarf down a combo meal while standing up: According to the blog Messy Nessy, the indoor seating area can accommodate up to 140 people.

The McSki has been delighting (and nourishing) vacationers since it opened in 1996, and it’s definitely a must-visit for ski lovers and fast food aficionados alike. It’s not, however, the strangest McDonald’s restaurant in the world. New Zealand built one inside an airplane, and there’s also a giant Happy Meal-shaped McDonald’s in Dallas. Explore 10 other downright bizarre McDonald’s locations here.

[h/t Delish]

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