You can't buy love, but that hasn't stopped marketers from trying to sell it to the masses every time February 14th rolls around on the calendar. And over the years, they've offered some truly bizarre—if not outright terrible—deals to entice you. But trust us when we say that when the recipients of these gifts say, "You shouldn't have." they probably and mean it.

1. A cockroach namesake

Got a love that endures? One that can't be squashed? One that might skeeve out others? Then the Bronx Zoo suggests you name one of its Madagascar hissing roaches after your beloved. (Or even better: Your ex.) And at $15, it's a steal.

2. Tattoo removal

A diamond is forever, but a tattoo doesn't have to be. Vanish Laser Tattoo and Pigmentation Removal in Fort Worth, Texas is giving lovers of the regretfully inked a chance to win free tattoo removal for their partner. May the worst tattoo win!

3. A date at White Castle

Fast food places love getting extra cheesy on February 14. This year, White Castle continues its ironically celebrated Valentine's Day reservations. You and your sweetheart should book now if you want a sit-down slider dinner with white tablecloths, artificial flowers, romantic decor, free dessert, and a photographer to capture your special meal. Or if you're Harold and Kumar.

Another option: Be a tease and send a SliderGram e-card.

4. Liposuction, laser hair removal, lip injections, etc.

What do you get for the girl who has everything, except physical perfection? New hips, lips, or eyelashes for Valentine's Day! Samra Plastic Surgery in New Jersey isn't the only place offering cosmetic enhancement deals for Valentine's Day and marketing it as a way to "love yourself." If you look hard enough, you'll probably find a discounted facelift, too.

5. A tour of the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant

You don't have to be flush with cash to take your sweetheart on an exotic trip for Valentine's Day. If you live near Greenpoint, Brooklyn, you can visit the Newtown Creek Wastewater Treatment Plant for free. The scenic tour—available at 11 a.m., 1 p.m., 3 p.m., and 5 p.m. on Saturday, February 9—starts with a short overview of the wastewater treatment process and ends atop the plant's 120-foot digester eggs. Gotta go? Register here.