The 10 Most Annoying Holiday Songs Ever

Alvin, Simon, and Theodore in Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007).
Alvin, Simon, and Theodore in Alvin and the Chipmunks (2007).
20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

Christmas is a time for joy, thankfulness, love … and, when it comes to Christmas carols, the occasional bout of cringe. There are songs that are perfect, classic, and timeless—like Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" or Mariah Carey's “All I Want for Christmas Is You”—and then there are these 10 holiday horrors.

1. "Dominick the Donkey" // Lou Monte

Reindeer aren't the only animals on Santa's payroll. "When Santa visits his paisans," Italian-American songster Lou Monte tells us, he takes his donkey Dominick along, "because the reindeer cannot climb the hills of Italy." The song was considered a novelty track when it was released in 1960, but the Italian communities of New Jersey (where Monte grew up) loved it. The constant braying throughout the song is grating, though we're sure children find it hilarious.

2. "The Christmas Shoes" // NewSong

"The Christmas Shoes" is more depressing than annoying, which is in itself obnoxious when you're trying to get into the joyfulness and cheer of the holiday season. A mawkish Christmas song about a poor boy who wants to buy a pair of shoes for his sick mother so she'll "look beautiful if [she] meets Jesus tonight"? No thanks. And then there was a made-for-TV movie based on said song? We'd prefer coal in our stockings.

3. "All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)" // Spike Jones & His City Slickers

Its insta-earworm hook is enough to make this 1940s song a base level of annoying, but its cloying, cutesy lyrics and the lisp that's often incorporated into recordings take "All I Want For Christmas (Is My Two Front Teeth)" to the next level. Your baby teeth will be replaced! That's what teeth do! Ask Santa for a PlayStation!

4. "The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don't Be Late)" // The Chipmunks

"Christmas Don't Be Late" needs no additional explanation as to why it's annoying other than "the Chipmunks sang it." Ross Bagdasarian Sr. wrote the song, which was released in 1958, and it was enormously successful—reaching the top of the Billboard Hot 100 Pop Singles chart and netting three wins at the first annual Grammy Awards. For those keeping score, that's three more Grammys than Queen's "Bohemian Rhapsody" received.

5. "Wiggly Wiggly Christmas" // The Wiggles

It feels weird to pick on The Wiggles, an Aussie children's group who are supposed to be high-energy and wacky. But if the repeated refrain of "wiggly wiggly Christmas" doesn't make you want to tell your kids that Santa has the flu and cancel the holiday altogether, we're not sure what will.

6. "Do They Know It's Christmas" // Band-Aid

"Do They Know It's Christmas" was written as a response to the Ethiopian famine of the mid-1980s. Singer Bob Geldof, determined to funnel money to a higher cause by way of a charity song, enlisted Bono, Boy George, George Michael, Phil Collins, Sting, and many others to form a supergroup known as Band Aid that would record the vocal track for the song in one marathon 24-hour session. The song was out days later, and—heavily publicized—proceeded to raise tens of millions of dollars for Ethiopian famine relief. Which is all very noble and great. But the song itself is condescending, patronizing, and imperialistic, on top just plain being awful. Geldof himself admitted that he was "responsible for two of the worst songs in history. One is 'Do They Know It's Christmas?' and the other one is 'We Are the World.'"

7. "Gott nytt jul" // Sean Banan

Even if you don't speak Swedish, the obnoxiousness of 2013 Eurovision contestant Sean Banan's "Gott nytt jul" comes through at the seven-second mark with its fart sound effect. If you do speak Swedish, you get the added benefit of Sean telling Santa to "come and bring your ho ho hoes." As for the music video … well, a man in a Santa fat suit twerking is the universal language.

8. "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" // William Hung

Failed American Idol wannabe William Hung, who quickly became famous for his tone-deaf rendition of Ricky Martin's "She Bangs," managed to put out a holiday album. It was called Hung for the Holidays. Even in 2004, the world was a cruel and unusual place.

9. "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas" // Gayla Peevey

Long before the Cincinnati Zoo's Fiona the hippo became an internet celebrity, 10-year-old Gayla Peevey sang a novelty song about wanting a hippopotamus for Christmas. It was an instant hit in 1953, and Peevey even performed it on The Ed Sullivan Show. A promoter decided to do a fundraiser to buy Peevey a hippo (which was promptly donated to her hometown's Oklahoma City Zoo), and Matilda the hippo became a popular OKC resident until she died in 1998. But the song? It's not even accurate. To dissuade her delusional daughter, Peevey sings that her mom said a hippo would eat her up, but then "teacher says the hippo is a vegetarian." Hippos are generally omnivorous, but they do have carnivorous tendencies. We can abide the fantasy of a pet hippo, but not disinformation! 

10. "Shake Up Christmas" // Train

The "Drops of Jupiter" rockers tried to get into the holiday spirit in 2010, but with lyrics that rhyme "smile" with, er, "smile," and "Before I get too old and don't remember it, so let's December it and reassemble it," we want to hide behind the Christmas tree, not rock around it.

Swear Off Toilet Paper With This Bidet Toilet Seat That's Easy to Install and Costs Less Than $100

Tushy
Tushy

The recent coronavirus-related toilet paper shortage has put the spotlight on the TP-less alternative that Americans have yet to truly embrace: the bidet.

It's not exactly a secret that toilet paper is wasteful—it's estimated to cost 437 billion gallons of water and 15 million trees to produce our yearly supply of the stuff. But while the numbers are plain to see, bidets still aren't common in the United States.

Well, if price was ever the biggest barrier standing in the way of swearing off toilet paper for good, there's now a cost-effective way to make the switch. Right now, you can get the space-saving Tushy bidet for less than $100. And you'll be able to install it yourself in just 10 minutes.

What is a Bidet?

Before we go any further, let’s just go ahead and get the awkward technical details out of the way. Instead of using toilet paper after going to the bathroom, bidets get you clean by using a stream of concentrated water that comes out of a faucet or nozzle. Traditional bidets look like weird toilets without tanks or lids, and while they’re pretty uncommon in the United States, you’ve definitely seen one if you’ve ever been to Europe or Asia.

That said, bidets aren’t just good for your butt. When you reduce toilet paper usage, you also reduce the amount of chemicals and emissions required to produce it, which is good for the environment. At the same time, you’re also saving money. So this is a huge win-win.

Unfortunately, traditional bidets are not an option for most Americans because they take up a lot of bathroom space and require extra plumbing. That’s where Tushy comes in.

The Tushy Classic Bidet Toilet Seat.

Unlike traditional bidets, the Tushy bidet doesn’t take up any extra space in your bathroom. It’s an attachment for your existing toilet that places an adjustable self-cleaning nozzle at the back of the bowl, just underneath the seat. But it doesn’t require any additional plumbing or electricity. All you have to do is remove the seat from your toilet, connect the Tushy to the clean water supply behind the toilet, and replace the seat on top of the Tushy attachment.

The Tushy has a control panel that lets you adjust the angle and pressure of the water stream for a perfect custom clean. The nozzle lowers when the Tushy is activated and retracts into its housing when not in use, keeping it clean and sanitary.

Like all bidets, the Tushy system takes a little getting used to. But once you get the hang of it, you’ll never want to use toilet paper again. In fact, Tushy is so sure you’ll love their product, they offer customers a 60-day risk-free guarantee. If you don’t love your Tushy, you can send it back for a full refund, minus shipping and handling.

Normally, the Tushy Classic retails for $109, but right now you can get the Tushy Classic for just $89. So if you’ve been thinking about going TP-free, now is definitely the time to do it.

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The Arlington National Cemetery Just Opened Its Time Capsule from 1915—See What’s Inside

That red ribbon is the literal "red tape" that we now use as an idiom to describe bureaucratic processes.
That red ribbon is the literal "red tape" that we now use as an idiom to describe bureaucratic processes.
Arlington National Cemetery, YouTube

In the decades following the Civil War, thousands of people assembled in Arlington National Cemetery’s James R. Tanner Amphitheater to honor the fallen soldiers each May on Decoration Day (which we now call Memorial Day). By the early 20th century, the event had grown so popular that Congress agreed to build a new, larger arena in its place: the Memorial Amphitheater.

When President Woodrow Wilson laid the cornerstone on October 13, 1915, it contained a copper box with documents and mementos that captured the spirit of the era. Though the contents weren’t kept a secret, you can now actually see them for yourself—on May 15, 2020, Arlington National Cemetery celebrated the centennial of the amphitheater’s dedication ceremony by opening the time capsule and displaying them in a virtual exhibit.

Inside the box was one of each coin used in 1915; uncirculated stamps bearing images of George Washington and Benjamin Franklin; an autographed photo of Wilson; a Bible signed by amphitheater architect Thomas Hastings; the dedication ceremony program; directories of both Congress and Washington D.C. residents; Civil War veterans’ pamphlets; four issues of local newspapers, including The Washington Post and The Washington Times; copies of the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution; an American flag; and a map of Pierre Charles L’Enfant’s blueprints for building the city.

As Smithsonian.com reports, a few of those documents became outdated soon after being sealed in the box. The 1915 version of the Constitution had 17 amendments, but two new ones had been passed by the end of 1920: the 18th, prohibiting alcohol, and the 19th, giving women the right to vote. The American flag, on the other hand, was already inaccurate when it went into the time capsule. Though Arizona and New Mexico had both been annexed in 1912, bringing the state total to 48, the flag only included 46 stars.

Some of the items were wrapped in red tape, a seemingly insignificant detail that Archivist of the United States David S. Ferriero found especially exciting.

“All of the records in the National Archives, when they were moved into that building, were carefully protected with wrappings that were held together with this red tape,” he said in a statement. “This is where the saying comes (from) about cutting through the red tape. It is actually—literally—the red tape.”

For the last few decades, the copper box shared its hollow cornerstone abode with another, less official time capsule: A Peter Pan-brand peanut butter jar, stuffed with business cards and other notes. The box had been relocated to the National Archives while the amphitheater underwent repairs in 1974, and the workers snuck the jar into the hollow when replacing it during the 1990s.

“It was sort of a rush job,” conservator Caitlin Smith told The Washington Post. “But you can understand the impulse to add your name to history.”

You can learn more about the history of the Memorial Amphitheater and discover more about the exhibit here.

[h/t Smithsonian.com]