8 of Shakespeare's Dirtiest Romance Jokes (Yes, Really)

He might have created some of theatre’s most complex characters and written some of the greatest poetry and prose in the history of the English language, but William Shakespeare was by no means above a dirty joke. In fact, alongside all the intricate wordplay, verbal badinage, and impeccably maintained iambic pentameter, England’s greatest writer filled his plays with puns and gags that overtly played to his Elizabethan audience’s basest sense of humor—and many of them had to do with love, lust, and sex. Eight of the Bard’s dirtiest romance jokes are listed here. 

1. “ARE YOU NOT GOOD?” (As You Like It, IV.i) 
2. “DO YOU THINK I MEANT COUNTRY MATTERS?” (Hamlet, III.ii) 
3. “I WILL LIVE IN THY HEART, DIE IN THY LAP, AND BE BURIED IN THY EYES.” (Much Ado About Nothing, V.ii) 
4. “ME THEY SHALL FEEL WHILE I AM ABLE TO STAND.” (Romeo and Juliet, I.i) 
5. “THESE BE HER VERY C’S, HER U’S, AND HER T’S.” (Twelfth Night, II.v) 
6. “VILLAIN, I HAVE DONE THY MOTHER.” (Titus Andronicus, IV.ii) 
7. “WHAT, WITH MY TONGUE IN YOUR TAIL?” (The Taming of the Shrew, II.i) 
8. “STRAY LOWER, WHERE THE PLEASANT FOUNTAINS LIE.” (Venus and Adonis) 

“ARE YOU NOT GOOD?” (As You Like It, IV.i) 

This line comes from a flirty back-and-forth between Rosalind and Orlando in Act 4, Scene 1 of As You Like It, which ends with Rosalind famously enquiring, “Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?” Precisely what the “good thing” Shakespeare is subtly alluding to here should come as no surprise (and when Rosalind flirtatiously asks Orlando if he is “good,” she means both a good man, and good at—well, other things). 

In context, though, this entire exchange is made all the more meta in the play, given that at this point in the story Orlando has fallen for Rosalind; Rosalind has now disguised herself as a man named Ganymede; and “Ganymede” is now teaching Orlando how best to seduce Rosalind and is now playing Rosalind in this imagined flirty conversation. 

“DO YOU THINK I MEANT COUNTRY MATTERS?” (Hamlet, III.ii) 

He might be busy losing his mind amid all the drama of his uncle murdering his father (and setting up a fake play to coerce his uncle into revealing his guilt) but even Hamlet finds the time to share a dirty joke with his would-be girlfriend, Ophelia, in Act 3, Scene 2. 

As the court arrives to see the play Hamlet has arranged for them, the young prince takes a seat beside Ophelia and begins to throw around some ill-conceived lines that, in his excited state, he seems to mistakenly think constitute flirting. “Lady, shall I lie in your lap?” he asks, before clarifying, “I mean, my head upon your lap?” Ophelia begrudgingly agrees, before Hamlet stops himself and asks, “Do you think I meant country matters?”—a line whose double-meaning is a lot more apparent when read aloud than in print. 

Not to be outdone, though, Ophelia responds, “I think nothing, my lord,” using a word that Shakespeare’s audience would have immediately recognized as a euphemism for a certain vaguely O-shaped part of a lady’s anatomy. 

“I WILL LIVE IN THY HEART, DIE IN THY LAP, AND BE BURIED IN THY EYES.” (Much Ado About Nothing, V.ii) 

Beatrice and Benedick in Much Ado About Nothing are one of Shakespeare’s most comedic couples, and as such, their back-and-forth banter is understandably full of bawdy jokes. As if Benedick conjuring up an image of himself in Beatrice’s lap wasn’t on-point enough in this line from Act 5, Scene 2, though, knowing that “die” was an Elizabethan euphemism for climaxing puts an even bawdier spin on this otherwise perfectly romantic line. 

“ME THEY SHALL FEEL WHILE I AM ABLE TO STAND.” (Romeo and Juliet, I.i) 

Romeo and Juliet hits the ground running when it comes to dirty jokes, with Act 1, Scene 1 opening with a lewd back-and-forth between two servants in the Capulet household, Sampson and Gregroy. They enter the stage ostensibly discussing their hatred for the Montagues, albeit via a thinly veiled discussion of Sampson’s sexual prowess and his lust for the ladies of the Montague household. 

After a string of comments about the likes of weaker partners being pushed against walls and deflowering maidens, Sampson states that the Montague women “shall feel while I am able to stand,” adding that he thinks of himself as “a pretty piece of flesh.” 

“THESE BE HER VERY C’S, HER U’S, AND HER T’S.” (Twelfth Night, II.v) 

The main subplot in Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night is the maid Maria and Sir Toby’s dastardly scheme to outwit the grouchy servant Malvolio, which has him believe that the lady of the household, Olivia, has fallen in love with him. 

At one point, Maria writes a love note in Olivia’s handwriting and leaves it for Malvolio to find; when he reads it in Act 2, Scene 5, he can scarcely believe his eyes, but recognises the handwriting immediately. “By my life,” he exclaims, “this is my lady’s hand! These be her very C’s, her U’s, and her T’s.” (Read that “and” as a shortened “n”, you’ll see what Shakespeare was possibly not-so-subtly hinting at there.) 

“VILLAIN, I HAVE DONE THY MOTHER.” (Titus Andronicus, IV.ii) 

Proving that even Shakespeare wasn’t above a “yo mama” joke is this line from Act 4, Scene 2 of his otherwise almost unbearably brutal historical tragedy, Titus Andronicus. The Goth queen Tamora and her secret lover Aaron, the Moor, have had a child. When the baby is brought out, its dark skin immediately indicates that Aaron is its father—much to the horror of Tamora’s two adult sons, Demetrius and Chiron. “Villain,” Demetrius explodes, “what hast thou done?” “Villain,” Aaron fires back, “I have done thy mother.” 

“WHAT, WITH MY TONGUE IN YOUR TAIL?” (The Taming of the Shrew, II.i) 

Much of The Taming of the Shrew revolves around the venomous verbal jousting between the eponymously shrewish Katherine and her eventual beau, Petruchio. In Act 2, Scene 1, this badinage leads to a quick back-and-forth in which Petruchio likens Kate to a wasp, to which she fires back, “If I be waspish, best beware my sting.” 

After Petruchio points out that wasps’ stings are in their tails, Kate then punningly jokes about stinging his tongue for telling such “tales,” and bids him a prompt farewell—at which point Petruchio finally (and somewhat unsubtly) replies, “What, with my tongue in your tail?” 

“STRAY LOWER, WHERE THE PLEASANT FOUNTAINS LIE.” (Venus and Adonis) 

Shakespeare wrote romantic poems as well as romantic plays, of course, and few lines in his poetry are quite as dirty as this one from Venus and Adonis. Venus, the goddess of love, is trying to seduce the handsome youth Adonis, and is here comparing her body to that of a rolling landscape, in which Adonis can roam as a deer. “Feed where thou wilt, on mountain or in dale: / Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, / Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie,” she says. It might not be a joke, as such, but the double meaning she’s employing in commanding him to “stray lower” to where the “fountains” are is certainly dirty enough to make this list.