7 Misconceptions About Funerals

According to the National Funeral Directors Association, the business of saying goodbye to the dead takes in about $16 billion annually. Roughly 23,000 funeral homes in the United States help facilitate that, organizing celebrations of a person’s life and helping families process their loss. 

With so much emotion surrounding these events, it’s easy to see why people simply avoid thinking about them and continue to believe in certain misunderstandings about the process. (Note: this list, adapted from the above episode of Misconceptions on YouTube, covers a very specific 21st-century American view of funerals. There are hundreds of religions and cultural practices in this country, and even more around the world that can be very different from what is described here.)

1. Misconception: Funeral homes always use hearses to transport the dead.
2. Misconception: You need to buy a casket from the funeral home.
3. Misconception: You can’t have a funeral for someone who was already cremated.
4. Misconception: Funeral expenses are covered in wills or insurance.
5. Misconception: Only a religious leader can lead a funeral.
6. Misconception: Funeral processions have to end at a cemetery.
7. Misconception: You have to wear black to a funeral.

Misconception: Funeral homes always use hearses to transport the dead.

The next time you’re stuck in traffic and spot a minivan, you shouldn’t assume it’s full of kids or, say, lumber. It could be transporting a dead body. Contrary to popular belief, funeral homes don’t always use hearses to move the dearly departed; there’s no law or even industry practice that mandates it, so plenty of them make use of unmarked minivans to tote corpses around.

One commercial vehicle supplier advertises the benefits of a Chrysler Pacifica minivan, which it deems ideal for body transport thanks to “stow and go” seating. Some funeral directors might even have the back seats of their vehicles removed to make room for casket cargo. Hearses, which are far more recognizable on the road, are increasingly being reserved for funeral processions, though converted SUVs can also be used for that purpose.

While minivans and SUVs tend to blend easily into traffic, sometimes drivers can get a little too brazen. In 2019, a Nevada state trooper pulled over a minivan that was traveling in the high occupancy vehicle, better known as the carpool lane. But the only living passenger was the driver. The officer had to explain that the decedent in the back did not really count as a passenger. 

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Misconception: You need to buy a casket from the funeral home.

When someone sits down with a funeral director, they need to go over a lot of details for the service. One of the biggest expenses and most agonizing choices is usually picking out a casket—which can run several thousand dollars. Because a lot of people are preoccupied with grieving, they simply assume they have to buy a casket from the funeral home. Right?

Actually, you do not. Virtually all states permit families to BYOC—Bring Your Own Casket. That means you can order a more affordable option online and then have it delivered to the funeral home of your choice. Under federal law, the home can’t charge a “casket handling” fee—and yes, that is what they call it—or refuse it unless it would violate the law or cemetery/crematory regulations, or be excessively burdensome.

Now, why would anyone opt for a third-party coffin or casket? Mostly because it’s going to be more affordable. The average cost of a casket at a funeral home is about $2000, and that’s a pretty high mark-up—kind of the equivalent of buying soda at a movie theater. But a direct-to-consumer casket could run you just $1000. Or even less, if you opt for something biodegradable, though you should check local laws. 

You also get more choices. While funeral homes may only offer a handful of models, a mail-order business can offer hundreds of styles. That’s how KISS fans can wind up with the $3000 KISS Kasket, which, it must be said, can double as an icebox until you pass. And yes, that is a real feature.

Here’s another misconception about coffins and caskets: Some people opt for sealed caskets on the premise they can protect the deceased from decomposition. In fact, sealed caskets may hasten decomposition and result in a build-up of gases. If you’re interring a body at a crypt or mausoleum, they generally prefer unsealed caskets for that reason. 

Misconception: You can’t have a funeral for someone who was already cremated.

There seems to be one constant about funerals in Hollywood films, and that’s the image of a loved one resting peacefully in a casket while family and friends file in to pay their respects. Some people assume that funerals are only for embalmed bodies. But that’s not true. A body can be cremated and still have their life honored in a formal ceremony.

Here’s a brief rundown on dead body logistics: When someone passes—and presuming no autopsy is needed—the corpse can be either buried or cremated. If that can’t happen within a certain amount of time, then the body needs to be either embalmed or refrigerated. In California, for example, that’s 24 hours. Beyond that the body needs to be refrigerated or embalmed. If a body is embalmed, it’s drained of blood and injected with preservatives to stave off decomposition, along with any cosmetic work needed to make the guest of honor presentable. Embalming, by the way, is not a permanent fix; it may only last a few weeks depending on temperature and other factors.

Cremation involves inserting the body into a cremator and subjecting it to heat in excess of 1400° F. In some states, one can also opt for water and chemical-based cremation, which is a little more eco-friendly but results in more of a human porridge. What’s left with heated cremation is ash with some bone fragments that are then pulverized, resulting in a compact assembly of remains weighing roughly 4 to 6 pounds.

Typically, people opt for embalming when they want a physical representation of the deceased to say goodbye to. They can then opt to have the body cremated if they wish. Some religions, like Catholicism, insist on the body being present. But if they opt for cremation right away, they can still have a funeral—at that point, however, it’s often referred to as a memorial service. 

Both funerals and memorial services share the same traits. There’s a service, speakers, flowers, and the usual. But strictly speaking, a funeral involves a body being present, while a memorial service is done without a body, either because it’s been cremated or because it’s already been buried. In the end, you always have the ability to honor a loved one regardless of whether they’ve been preserved, cremated, or anything else.

Misconception: Funeral expenses are covered in wills or insurance.

Living is expensive, but so is dying. The median cost for a funeral is about $8000, though that figure can vary widely. A lot of people think expenses for their funeral can simply be deducted from their will or from burial insurance benefits, but that’s not exactly how it works.

For starters, wills often need to go through probate, the process of making sure everything being dispersed is all in order legally. Because funerals happen in a matter of days or weeks and wills can take months to sort out, families can be left with a funeral home bill marked “due upon receipt.”

Some people may instead opt for burial insurance, which is a type of coverage devoted strictly to funeral expenses. The problem with burial insurance is that the insured can often outlive its usefulness. For example, if your policy pays $10,000 toward costs but runs $100 a month, at 10 years and $12,000 in payments, you’ve wasted $2000—and counting. Not only that, but coverage could be outpaced by inflation. 

Your best bet to cover a funeral is life insurance, which typically pays out quickly, sometimes in as little as a week–unless, of course, your passing is suspicious. Or, you can look into veteran benefits. 

Misconception: Only a religious leader can lead a funeral.

Funerals may call to mind a church service in which a priest, rabbi, deacon, or other religious leader stands behind the podium and delivers some poignant remarks about the deceased, and then leads the assembly in prayer. While this is, of course, a very common custom, it’s possible for a layperson to emcee the funeral—even if it’s religious. 

There’s no legal requirement that says a member of a church has to preside over a funeral, though that’s typically expected and desired for religious gatherings. If the funeral is non-denominational, then a layperson—a family member or friend—can fill those duties. 

While a party close to the deceased is obviously well-informed, they may not be up for public speaking, particularly given the circumstances. That’s why some funeral directors will lead a service. Or, a family can hire what’s known as a celebrant or officiant to handle that responsibility. (A celebrant is a non-denominational service provider who can organize a funeral and lead the service. They’re usually put in touch with the bereaved at the request of the funeral director.)

Having a layperson overseeing funerals may become a growing trend, even for religious services. According to the BBC, the Catholic Church of Northern Ireland has been recruiting lay funeral ministers, who are not priests but approved by the Church to conduct services. That’s because there’s been a decline in priests in Ireland over the decades and there are now too few of them in some areas for the number of parishes that need them. 

Misconception: Funeral processions have to end at a cemetery.

Laying a person to rest typically culminates in the procession arriving at a cemetery or crypt so a person can be buried or otherwise left in a safe place. Technically, that safe place could be your backyard. 

In most states, it’s perfectly legal to bury the deceased on your own property, with notable exceptions including California, Indiana, and Washington (individual municipalities might have their own rules, so check with your local authorities). Doing so typically involves observing local zoning laws. Some areas, for example, might restrict how close you can bury a body to a neighbor’s property line or to a water source, or how deep the plot has to be. Other states might insist you use a funeral director to help coordinate your plans.

There is a catch. You may eventually want to sell your property, body and all. But prospective buyers may consider that when making an offer and argue the value has been reduced. And the new property owners are probably not going to be under any obligation to allow visitors to the grave. 

Misconception: You have to wear black to a funeral.

It’s become ingrained in Western culture that attending a funeral means dressing yourself head to toe in black. Black suit, black dress, black shoes. We associate black with mourning, a practice that dates back to the at least the late Medieval Era.

It’s true some funeral homes may have a dress code, and obviously you should observe their preferences. But generally speaking, it’s not strictly necessary to dress like Neo when going to a service. The key is going for a more muted look. So, instead of a black suit, you may opt for gray, or dark blue. Funeral decorum is more about what not to wear—for instance, a bright red dress may send the wrong message, like you’re having a great time and may go salsa dancing right after. You should also stay away from athletic wear, jeans, and clothing that may seem more fitting at a nightclub than a funeral service. 

There is one big exception, though. Some people voice their preferences for their own funeral before they pass on, and it may be their wish for family and friends to stick to a theme, like a favorite color. In 1990, the memorial of Jim Henson was anything but dour. It was Henson’s wish that his loved ones wear the bright colors of his Muppets. But unless your loved one created Kermit, you should probably avoid green.