Okay, folks, the real election season may be coming to a close but ours is in full swing. Below are your three candidates for People's Tribune. You'll be hearing more from them later in the week, but for now, let's do the whole meet-and-greet, grip-and-grin thing:
Campaign slogan: "I will establish a meritocracy throughout the land, at least until I can figure out how to get campaign contributions."
Speech! Speech!: As a longtime reader of mental_floss, I know I would make a fantastic "People's Tribune." I know I can represent readers by personally revealing the solutions to P â‰ NP, the location of Hoffa's body, and why people are stilling flying to Vegas and dropping $100 on a Celine Dion ticket. As JFK once said, "Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country," and while you are asking your country a question, please promote me, Tucker Steele, for PEOPLE'S TRIBUNE.
Campaign slogan: "I know more useless information than anyone on the face of the planet."
Speech! Speech!: I am working on my Ph.D. in psychology at the University of Georgia. I have 23 consecutive years of education. I think I'm losing my mind. I would really like to win something. Please select me as the Tribune.
Lyssa (we're assuming she goes by one name, like Beyonce)
Campaign slogan: "Lyssa! Helping people since at least 10 o'clock this morning."
Speech! Speech!: Why should I be your candidate? Since "'cause I said so" only works with my sister's kids and a wussy ex-boyfriend, here's why! 1. Some might categorize me as a lurker. I say that I'm just so sneaky, you don't notice me participating. My ninja-like commenting skills go unnoticed by the untrained eye. And who doesn't love ninja skills? "Vote Lyssa, she's stealthy!" 2. I'm diverse! I love art, literature and science, but I am also known for sending friends gross facts and icky bug pictures to ruin their lunch. "Lyssa. Representing Shakespeare AND things you want to poke with sticks." 3. I'm full of great ideas! You want free healthcare? I propose Cooperative Preventative Healthcare Plan 2006! Every time you see a co-worker doing something that might potentially damage their health, you point a rolled up newspaper at them and go, "NO. No. BAD." (But you don't smack them with it. Cause that's mean. And you could cause a bruise or pull a muscle, defeating the purpose of Cooperative Preventative Healthcare Plan 2006.) ... Great ideas, diversity and ninja skills. You can't beat that with a nun holding a yardstick.
Start making your pro and con lists now; voting takes place on Wednesday. No hanging chads, we promise.