Bond (James Bond) Week: How to Look

Allow us to criticize your appearance for a minute, will you? If you're hoping to convince your friends and neighbors that you're a British secret agent in your spare time, you're going to need to take a hard look in the mirror. Luckily, Kingsley Amis and The Book of Bond have a few recommendations for you:

* "Our prototype is six foot tall and, whereas a few inches either way will make no vital difference, those under four foot six and over seven foot would be better advised to model themselves on one of the original 007's enemies, probably Goldfinger (five foot) or Dr. No (six foot six)."

* " must be narrow and watchful, with a hint of anger. Practice this in the mirror, making sure not to look merely short-sighted, cretinous or very, very drunk."

* " must be tanned. Note that the pigment which constitutes suntan is soluble in water, no never wash your face. Those who can't afford topping-up trips at Christmas and Easter must get a sun-lamp, but realize that being known to possess one would be instantly fatal to 007ship. Keep it under lock and key with your spare wig, denture fixative, etc."

* "Repeat to yourself: a paunchy 007 cannot exist."

Now, let's all ponder whether Mr. Amis was taking his own advice: