Rants & Raves: Registering a K9 Complaint

I know what you're thinking: who hates dogs? How can the words hate and dog appear in the same sentence? Well, I'm hear to tell ya folks, I'm not so fond of them right now. The whole truth is, before I moved to LA, I had no problem with dogs. Even owned and loved a terrier once, in my youth. (Ah, my youth"¦) But try living next to our neighbors' weimaraner, and you, too, might find yourself soon wishing you owned a very large mallet the only dog in the world were Snoopy.

Is it me or are weimaraners the daftest dogs on the street? I mean, our neighbors' spends large portions of its day trying to figure out how to defecate without doing so on its own paw. And when its not doing that, it's barking unremittingly at all hours of the day and night, usually at nothing more than its own shadow.

I know I'm not alone here. My pal Jill Soloway has an uproarious essay in her recent book, Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants, in which she tells why she hates "˜em. ("Licking, slobbering, chopping, slobberchopping—pink gums, black gums. Which is it, is it pink or is it black? Sometimes it's both!")

Perhaps the answer to the problem can be found in Clifton, N.J. (wherever that is), where apparently an ordinance setting a limit on how long dogs can bark has recently been passed:

Noisy canines will be defined as those that bark for more than 30 minutes on two consecutive days.

To which I say: if that's noisy, what's the word for one who barks all morning, every morning, until I have to go out back and throw disgusting, slimeysmelly dogchews I bought on sale at Petco into the yard to shut it up?!? Honestly people. There is SO no single word that comes to mind. But there are three simple ones: No Dogs Allowed!