Profiles in Carnage: 4 Fictional Bullies


I stole this short trip down magazine lane from Volume 3, Issue 4's Scatterbrained section on Bullies. Thought you guys might enjoy.


Name: Nelson Muntz (from "The Simpsons")

Sightings: Often seen pointing and laughing at things wherever there are things to be pointed and laughed at. Also, a strong presence on the playground.
Motto: "Ha-ha!"
Greatest Hits: Conscientious about the big picture. "We've been doing a lot of upper body work on Bart. Today let's pound his kidneys."
"Persuasiveness": While Nelson does great solo work, he also manages an effective team of delinquents. Definitely, one of the better bullies on the block.
Lisa [reading]: "Nuke the whales?" You don't really believe that, do you?
Nelson: I dunno. Gotta nuke something.

Name: Sensei John Kreese (of "Karate Kid" fame)

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Can always be spotted bossing around kids at the Cobra Kai Dojo.


"Strike first. Strike hard. No mercy."

Greatest Hits:

Generally reserved for beating up his own students.


Sure, he's intimidating with all that "no mercy" talk. And he can coerce little Johnny into sweeping legs. But he's hardly a menace if you've got Mr. Miyagi on your side. Just stay out of his Dojo.


Chuck Norris turned down the role of the Sensei because he didn't want karate instructors to be shown in an unsympathetic light.

Name: Moe (from "Calvin and Hobbes")

More bullies after the jump...

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Often caught lurking in the hallway. Perfect gym and recess attendance.


"Give before it hurts."

Greatest Hits:

Usually to the abdomen.


Although his train of thought is generally stuck in the boarding station, Moe makes some fairly eloquent arguments with his fists. The fact that he's a 6 year old who shaves doesn't hurt.


Bill Watterson, Calvin's creator, claims, "I remember school being full of idiots like Moe. I think they spawn on damp locker room floors."

Name: Tommy "Butch" Bond ("The Little Rascals")

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Slinking around anywhere the kids are trying to put on a show, with his sidekick "Woim" tagging along.


"I usually prove it by lickin' everybody "¦ but to save time, I'm just gonna lick the toughest one of ya."

Greatest Hits:

Rarely has to resort to fisticuffs. His mean looks say it all.


For four years, he kept the gang in check, usually picking on Alfalfa. Butch took on the hair-challenged singer in both the boxing ring and in the wrestling ring, and caused many a black eye in the Rascals' neighborhood.


Bond went on to play a good guy as Jimmy Olsen in scores of episodes of the "Superman" film serial beginning in 1948, but turned down the role on the TV version with George Reeves.

Got a favorite Fictional Bully that we missed? Write it in the comments below. And be sure to check out this and other back issues, available at the mental_floss store.