Mental Floss

Manly Ways to Prepare Turkey

Miss Cellania
US Marine Corps // Public Domain
US Marine Corps // Public Domain / US Marine Corps // Public Domain
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Although a roast turkey is most impressive on the Thanksgiving table, its usually the simplest part of preparing the meal. The basic recipe is to put it in a the oven and wait a few hours. Women do it this way because they need time to prepare the dressing, gravy, pies, and other side dishes, plus straighten the house, round up more chairs, and make sure the kids are clean before company arrives. On the other hand, a man will put in the extra effort to try something new and different in order to show off his culinary skills.

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435_beautifulturkey.jpg /

Cooking a Turkey the Scientific

Way

explains (in a thoroughly geeky manner) the important parts of the cooking process. Once you understand the most important concepts, you can depart from the basic recipe.

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430_baconturkey.jpg /

You can improve almost any food by wrapping it in bacon. It's the American way.

Bacon-Wrapped Turkey

is becoming quite popular. Here's the

recipe

, with a

video

.

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435_deepfryturkey.jpg /

Cajun Deep-Fried Turkey has become so popular in the past few years that KFC will cook one for you. But the manly thing to do is fire up the fryer and do it yourself, while trying to not get burned. Here is the

recipe

, and

instructions

for deep-frying.

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435_fryerpic.jpg /

Deep frying is particularly dangerous, because of the size of the cooker and the huge amounts of hot oil needed, not to mention the size of the turkey. Cooking

must

be done outside. Here is a list of

safety precautions

, and an impressive

video

of what

could

happen.

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435_beercanturkey.jpg /

Beer Can

Turkey

is a natural extension of the Beer Can Chicken recipe. The bird is propped up on a mostly full can of beer, and cooked so that the liquid from the can moistens and steams the bird from the inside. You will want to measure your cooker vertically before trying this.

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435_turducken.jpg /

A

Turducken

is a turkey stuffed with a duck that is in turn stuffed with a chicken. This is a very involved and time-consuming recipe, as the birds need to be deboned. The cooking time is around nine hours. But the result is

so

impressive to guests. Bonus: Use sausage stuffing for a fourth meat. Yes, you can add some bacon if you like.

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435_bourbonturkey.jpg /

What could be more manly than

Bourbon Whiskey Turkey

? As to the step that says to discard the marinade, don't be tempted to treat it as a cocktail, since raw poultry may have introduced unsavory microorganisms, despite the alcohol content. You can also

inject

the whiskey marinade. No, inject it into the

turkey

! If you're wondering what kind of bourbon to use, Wild Turkey would be fitting.

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435_birds.jpg /

The most manly turkey of all is the one you bagged in the wild. Wild turkeys are usually older and always leaner than farm turkeys, so recipes

recommend

that you marinate it, parboil it, or bake it in a cooking bag to keep it as moist as possible.

Deep-frying

is also recommended. Always remember, you lose manly points if you ask someone else to clean your kill.

If you want to be super manly, shoot a wild turkey, marinate it in whiskey, steam it with beer, stuff it with other animals, wrap it in bacon, and deep-fry it. Even if your manly turkey preparation turns into a disaster, there is a bright side. Your story will become a part of the family's holiday tradition. Every year, you will hear, "remember that time you tried to cook the turkey and..."

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