6 Great Marching Bands That Never Were

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back our Marching Band Correspondent, Auburn University's Steven Clontz! You may remember him from his first post, Marching to the Beat of a Different Slide Instrument, which explored variations on the trombone. Or his second, When Good Bands Go Bad. He's back today with the third in a series of four band-centric entries.

Marching band kind of gets the shaft in pop culture, with band geeks serving more often as the nerdy comic relief than leading roles. But in rare cases, someone will weave a story that can only be told by those who hold an instrument in their hand, and wear a shako on their head. So, I respectfully submit to the mental_floss community, the greatest marching bands in fiction. (As a courtesy, I'm excluding any bands that make an appearance on this page, which I wish I never stumbled upon.)

1. The East Great Falls High School Marching Band

When I first saw American Pie, I was surprised that the marching band and Michelle, the character who coined that phrase, don't play a huge part in most of the first movie. But since then, American Pie has spawned two sequels, a slew of spin-off movies (including a whole movie about band camp), and an entire generation who associates band camp with the creepiest use for a flute I can think of. So I guess it rightfully deserves its place at the beginning of my list.

Incidentally, American Pie takes place in an alternate universe where people actually go away to a real backwoods summer camp for band. The name of this magical place is called Michigan, which may explain why an Alabama boy such as myself knows nothing of making s'mores in between music rehearsals. In my experience, band camp is nothing more than back-to-back rehearsals, all day, for seven or eight days in a row, followed by a few hours of sleep in my own bed. But perhaps some of you have had the pleasure of a more clichÃ©d band camp experience?

2. The Bikini Bottom Marching Band

Maybe I was a little old to be watching cartoons starring a yellow filter-feeder on the bottom of the sea, even in 2001. But what I could not ignore was that Nickelodeon had just released an episode of SpongeBob Squarepants entitled simply, "Band Geeks".

The plot was your typical Spongebob fare. Squarepants' clarinet-toting, fun-squashing neighbor Squidward Tentacles had to pull a marching band together to perform in the annual Bubble Bowl in just a few days, because he could not bear to admit to his childhood rival Squilliam that he did not really have a band of his own to direct. And while the band performed pitifully at first, in the end they pulled together to support Squidward. The result of which, I am happy to say, can be viewed right now thanks to the wonderful World Wide Intertubes.

And it seems my love for this episode is not alone. According to my cousins Matt and Josh, "Band Geeks" was awarded the honor of being the number one "Nicktoon" ever, just recently. Also neat, their mother tells me that the singer of "Sweet Victory" is actually David Glen Eisley. After chiding me for my lack of Hair Band knowledge, she pointed me to another song he's done, Giuffria's Call To the Heart.

3. Atlanta A&T State University's Blue and Gold Marching Machine

Performing in a historically black college's marching band is a little different from my own band career. But thankfully, I can at least know sort of what it's like to be in a real Battle of the Bands, without fearing I might actually be attacked by one. And it's all thanks to the movie Drumline.

Drumline performed well at the box office, and critically too, with a score of 78% on Rotten Tomatoes. My friends in the band service fraternity Kappa Kappa Psi love it because it KKY is featured prominently. Also, of all the works featured in this article, it's the only one that actually presents marching band like it were just another sport. But I'm actually not a huge fan. Why, you ask? Not enough trombones. I can only pay attention to people banging on some overrated pots and pans for so long before I get bored. I'm still waiting for my coming-of-age story of a high school trumpet player with a heart of gold. But since Drumline is pretty much the only movie in that vein released"¦ ever?"¦ I may be waiting for a while.

4. The Wellsville High School Marching Squids

At first, Big Pete is happy for Ellen. But things turn foul when she begins to spend more time with her marching partner, James Markle, Jr., than with him. In the end, Big Pete takes things into his own hands, and hijacks the halftime show to prove that there is one force even stronger than even that of a musical marching ensemble "“ the power of love. And while I normally wouldn't even condone breaking rank during a marching band performance, to this day I still have a crush on Alison Fanelli (the actress who played Ellen), so I'll let it all slide.

5. The Westview High School Scapegoat Marching Band

Okay okay, so I'm probably getting ahead of myself. For the uninitiated, Funky Winkerbean is the quintessential example of marching band in the funny pages. This was true particularly when the strip was first started back in 1972, and the story revolved around several students at Westview High. Notable band characters included Holly Budd, who could always be found walking around school in her majorette uniform, and the aforementioned Dr. Dinkle, the self-proclaimed best band director ever. Fellow band-ites like myself can relate to a fear consistently replicated in a running gag from Funky Winkerbean - every band competition (except for the first one) occurs during a raging monsoon.

In 1992, cartoonist Batuik decided to relaunch the comic, moving it forward four years in time, so all the high school students had now graduated and were living the lives of grown-ups. At the same time, the strip began to take a more serious tone, tackling many serious issues, such as suicide, dyslexia, and most notably, cancer. However, this final point has brought me some hope. As I understand it, Funky relaunched again only a few weeks ago after Lisa died of breast cancer. The story now follows the next generation as they go through high school. So maybe, just maybe, next time I pick up the funnies I'll be greeted by the World's Greatest Band Director once again.

6. The River City Boys Band

Or so Dr. Hill would have had them believe. In reality he was just a con artist who"¦ why am I even explaining this? The Music Man is by many counts, one of the greatest musicals of all time, receiving six Tonies, an Oscar, and a slew of other nominations. I'm not sure I've ever met anyone who doesn't know one of the show's most memorable songs, "Seventy-Six Trombones (in the Big Parade)." If you're one such poor soul, please, go out and rent the 1962 movie adaption now. Then you'll understand why I'm having so much trouble mastering my Elementary Spanish class since our instructor seems to insist on using Professor Hill's "Think Method."

That's all for this time. Have a bwayno day, guys!