Basketball's Best-Kept Secret: Revealed!

Getty Images
Getty Images

To mark the start of a new NBA season, let's revisit Ethan Trex's review of the definitive basketball rap album. Good luck getting these rhymes out of your head.

While cruising Amazon one day, I found something curious: a 1994 hip-hop album from Immortal Records called Basketball's Best-Kept Secret featuring the flows of ten of the day's brightest NBA stars. Needless to say, this seemed like a good way to spend four dollars.

I was wrong, though. Buying this record was an outstanding way to spend four dollars. In the Pantheon of Hilariously Bad Athlete Rap, it's the missing link between "The Super Bowl Shuffle" and Kobe Bryant's abysmal "Thug Poet." Is there anything musically redeeming about it? Not at all. Is it worth listening to if you're an NBA fan? Absolutely.

The record is so riveting that I combed through it track-by-track in an attempt to find out what basketball's best-kept secret really is.

Track 02: Dana Barros "“ "Check It"

Barros levels with the listener up front: "I gots many, many things on my mind." These things include: staying strapped, his 850 BMW, and his need to "slam like Onyx, puffing on chronic." The track actually sounds a little like Onyx, so half of that rhyme's appropriate. It's also great to visualize NBA commissioner David Stern hearing the "puffing on chronic" line and then wondering how many times he could possibly drug test Barros the next year.

Does it reference jump shots? No, but there is a nice shout-out to Celtics forward Reggie Lewis, who had died of a heart defect the previous year.

Sample Dana Barros:

Track 03: Malik Sealy "“ "Lost in the Sauce"

The late Sealy turns in one of the better tracks here. DJ Alamo of Brand Nubian crafts a beat that allows Sealy to rhyme about his upbringing and the importance of being a decent human being over a simple wah-guitar and hi-hat. Big Malik "conquered the concrete with my sweet inside-outside game" and will "dunk it on you from the dotted"¦if you act like you want it, you got it."

Does it reference jump shots? As the chorus tells us, "Life's just one big jumpshot." That's the kind of profound revelation you're not going to find in your fancy college philosophy classes.

Sample Malik Sealy:

Track 04: Shaquille O'Neal "“ "Mic Check 1-2"

Shaq has one platinum and two gold records to his credit. Such credentials might lead one to believe he can rap. "Mic Check 1-2" clears up that misconception in its first 30 seconds. Teaming with Brooklyn's Ill Al Skratch, Shaq turns in what sounds like a deeper-voiced version of the worst song Ol' Dirty Bastard ever recorded. O'Neal manages to cleverly work in a great bit of product placement as part of his Reebok endorsement, though, when he claims that he can "inflate rhymes with his InstaPump."

Does it reference jump shots? Sadly, no. Most of the lyrics are just Shaq or Ill yelling "Mic Check 1-2."

Sample Shaquille O'Neal:

Track 06: Cedric Ceballos "“ "Flow On"

You may remember Ceballos for his blindfolded jam to win the 1992 NBA Slam Dunk Contest. One listen to this song, though, and you will always think of him as a poor man's Nate Dogg. Or Nate Dogg with a cold. Here on "Flow On," Ceballos even enlists frequent Nate Dogg collaborator Warren G. to handle production duties and back up his rhymes. The result is what you'd expect: a bland G-funk beat with female backing vocals encouraging Ceballos to "flow on" while he lets us know how smooth he is while eating chicken wings.

Ceballos earns extra points by constantly referring to himself by his jersey number, 23, as if basketball fans immediately think "Ceballos" when hearing that number. Take that, Michael Jordan!

Does it reference jump shots? Yep. "I gets high up off my jumpers and my dunks, you see." Oh, how we see, Cedric.

Sample Cedric Ceballos:

Track 07: Brian Shaw "“ "Anything Can Happen"

Journeyman combo guard Shaw turns in a contemplative track about his family's deaths the previous year. Interestingly, though, Ant Banks' G-funk production doesn't accentuate basketball: it likens life to a game of pool. Shaw's big name-checks on the track are his niece and his girlfriend, who's "soon to be my future wife." In other words, he's nowhere near boastful enough and way too likable to appear on this record. Shaw's slow flow is nothing to crow about, but anything better than "absolutely horrid" sounds pretty good in this context.

Does it reference jump shots? No, but Shaw's always "grabbin' a ball and dunkin' it."

Sample Brian Shaw:

Track 08: Chris Mills "“ "Sumptin' to Groove To"

"Here's a little sumptin' to nod your head to, a funky little groove that you can move to." I guess Mills' chorus is somewhat accurate; I was shaking my head "no" while moving to turn off my stereo. That counts, right? His clumsy flow isn't as honest elsewhere, though. Mills claims to be a "big ballplayer, a nice rhymesayer, and as you all know I'm fly-girl layer." I haven't checked with any fly girls, but I know that at least two of those three statements are patently false.

Words can't do justice to this track's rottenness. It's the aural equivalent of simultaneously seeing a train crash, being kicked in the stomach by a mule, and having the flu.

Does it reference jump shots? "I'm up in the gym"¦I play every day"¦I work real hard so I got a cool J"¦a jump shot"¦" Appreciate the clarification.

Sample Chris Mills:

Track 10: Jason Kidd "“ "What the Kidd Didd"

No, that's not a typo. That's really the song's clever title. Surprisingly, the track itself manages to build on that hilarity. Starting the basic premise of letting us know what the Kidd didd, the point guard delivers rhymes in pretty much the same flat voice he uses to answer postgame questions. Kidd didn't even write his own subpar rhymes. The Digital Underground's Money B. penned them and saved the most amusing rap for his own cameo: "Steady flossin' with cash earned from hittin' (Jamal) Mashburn."

So what did the Kidd do(o)? "Ain't nothing going on but cash and b-ballin'." The boasting is especially enjoyable since those sweet passes to Mashburn led Kidd's Dallas Mavericks to a stellar 13-69 record the previous season.

Does it reference jump shots? Sadly, no, but Kidd clears up the situation with the ladies. He's "got more chicks than Kentucky Fried."

Sample Jason Kidd:

Track 11: J.R. Rider "“ "Funk in the Trunk"

This track alone is worth the price of admission. Musically, it's nothing much, basically just a little piano loop over Rider's stilted flow. However, it takes the listener inside the mind of one of basketball's most notorious madmen. The 1994 dunk champion was known for his erratic off-court behavior, including drug suspensions, a kidnapping charge, and throwing a milkshake at a drive-thru worker.

Who could have seen these behavioral problems coming? It's not like Rider rapped about his motto for life: "keep one in the chamber." Well, he only did it once, anyway. This track would doubtlessly be more terrifying if Rider's delivery could remain intelligible for more than a few words at a time. "I'm going to protect"¦my defense's a killa," doesn't sound like it's about basketball, especially when it's preceded by lines that seem to be about cutting people open.

Does it reference jump shots? There's no time; Rider spends most of the last minute giving shout-outs to everyone he's ever met.

Sample J.R. Rider:

Track 13: Dennis Scott "“ "All Night Party"

Dennis Scott likes to party. All night. Forget whatever you thought you knew about the sharp-shooting small forward who helped the Orlando Magic make the NBA Finals. The man known as 3-D only wants to party. Wedding receptions, bar mitzvahs, Chuck E. Cheese pizza bashes"¦it doesn't matter what kind of party. D. Scott will show up and bring the funk. He doesn't even care if there are women there, "all I wanna know is where the party at." Scott would prefer if the party goes "on and on and on and on until the break of dawn," but he's not picky. If there's a party over there, he'll rock it.

Does it reference jump shots? Scott's way too busy partying to worry about hoops.

Sample Dennis Scott:

Track 14: Gary Payton "“ "Livin' Legal and Large"

The future Hall of Fame point guard's track isn't exactly good, but it's closer than anything else on this record. Payton acquits himself fairly well flowing over a bouncy West Coast funk beat. It turns out that the Glove's lifestyle is not just large; it's also legal. The rhymes are forced and feel even weaker when you find out that Payton didn't write them himself, despite his boast that "I can make my lyrics look better than a slam dunk." Apparently he threw home that jam on some other record.

Does it reference jump shots? Oh yeah. "Hit a three"¦talk a little junk" and then later "Who is that? G.P. is what they say as I hit my J in a vicious kind of way"¦" [Payton-as-Lego image courtesy of Supersonicsoul.com.]

Sample Gary Payton:

Conclusion: So what is the album's titular best-kept secret? After listening to the whole record several times, I can only draw three firm conclusions, none of which seem like particularly well-kept secrets:

1) Basketball players have very high opinions of themselves.
2) Despite this confidence, they can't rap.
3) You should never feel truly safe if you're in the same time zone as J.R. Rider.

Ethan Trex grew up idolizing Vince Coleman, and he kind of still does. Ethan co-writes Straight Cash, Homey, the Internet's undisputed top source for pictures of people in Ryan Leaf jerseys.

See also...

The Bud Bowl: A Definitive History
*
5 College Bowls With Peculiar Corporate Sponsors
*
How Sports Owners Made Their Money
*
An Unofficial Guide to Life as a Ref
*
All-Star Voter Fraud
*
Quiz: Mr. Burns' Softball All-Stars
*
Quiz: Where Are They Now? College Superstars
*
Quiz: Former College Nicknames

This Smart Accessory Converts Your Instant Pot Into an Air Fryer

Amazon
Amazon

If you can make a recipe in a slow cooker, Dutch oven, or rice cooker, you can likely adapt it for an Instant Pot. Now, this all-in-one cooker can be converted into an air fryer with one handy accessory.

This Instant Pot air fryer lid—currently available on Amazon for $80—adds six new cooking functions to your 6-quart Instant Pot. You can select the air fry setting to get food hot and crispy fast, using as little as 2 tablespoons of oil. Other options include roast, bake, broil, dehydrate, and reheat.

Many dishes you would prepare in the oven or on the stovetop can be made in your Instant Pot when you switch out the lids. Chicken wings, French fries, and onion rings are just a few of the possibilities mentioned in the product description. And if you're used to frying being a hot, arduous process, this lid works without consuming a ton of energy or heating up your kitchen.

The lid comes with a multi-level air fry basket, a broiling and dehydrating tray, and a protective pad and storage cover. Check it out on Amazon.

For more clever ways to use your Instant Pot, take a look at these recipes.

At Mental Floss, we only write about the products we love and want to share with our readers, so all products are chosen independently by our editors. Mental Floss has affiliate relationships with certain retailers and may receive a percentage of any sale made from the links on this page. Prices and availability are accurate as of the time of publication.

10 Amazing Facts About Bruce Lee

Photo courtesy of The Bruce Lee Family Archive
Photo courtesy of The Bruce Lee Family Archive

Bruce Lee is one of pop culture's most multifaceted icons. Legions of fans admire him for his movies, his martial arts prowess, his incomprehensible physical fitness, his championing of Chinese culture, and even his philosophies on life. Yet for all the new ground Lee broke, most of his recognition only came after his death at the age of 32. Read on to learn more about the life of this profound, if enigmatic, superstar, who is the subject of Bao Nguyen's Be Water, a new EPSN "30 for 30" documentary that will premiere on Sunday, June 7 at 9 p.m. ET.

1. Bruce Lee’s first starring role in a movie came when he was just 10 years old.

In 1950’s The Kid, a pre-teen Bruce Lee played the role of Kid Cheung, a streetwise orphan and wry troublemaker, based on a comic strip from the time. Starring opposite Lee, playing a kindly factory owner, was his father, Lee Hoi-chuen, who also happened to be a famous opera singer. (Bruce Lee was actually born in San Francisco while his father was there on tour; Lee would move back to the U.S. in 1959).

According to Lee biographer Matthew Polly, the movie was a big enough success in China to earn sequel consideration. There was just one problem: A young Bruce Lee was getting into fights at school and out on the streets, so his father forbid him from acting again until he straightened up—which, of course, didn’t wind up happening.

2. Bruce Lee was deemed physically unfit for the U.S. Army.

While he may have walked around with body fat in the single digits and could do push-ups using only two fingers, Lee still managed to fail a military physical for the U.S. draft board back in 1963. Despite being an adherent to physical fitness all his adult life, it was an undescended testicle that kept him from fighting for Uncle Sam in Vietnam.

3. Bruce Lee was an exquisite cha-cha dancer.

Long before he was known for breakneck fight choreography, Bruce Lee’s physical skills were focused on the dance floor. More specifically, the cha-cha. In Polly’s book, Bruce Lee: A Life, the author explains that the dance trend made its way from Cuba through the Philippines and soon landed in China. And once the cha-cha settled into the Hong Kong social scene, it didn’t take long for youth dance competitions to spring up. Lee had been taking part in cha-cha dancing since the age of 14, and in 1958, he won the Crown Colony Cha-Cha Championship. Foreshadowing his later dedication to martial arts, Lee would keep crib notes of all 108 different cha-cha steps in his wallet so that he could obsessively memorize them.

4. Bruce Lee refused to lose a fight to Robin.

The Green Hornet aired its first episode in September 1966, with Bruce Lee as the Hornet's (Van Williams) lightning-quick sidekick, Kato. The series would immediately be compared to Batman, ABC's other costumed crime-fighting show, and it wouldn't be long before a two-part crossover episode was in the works. And as heroes do, before they teamed up, they first had to fight each other. According to Newsweek, since Batman was by far the more popular show, the script featured a fight between Burt Ward's Robin and Bruce Lee's Kato that was set to end with the Boy Wonder getting the upper hand. But who would really buy that?

Well, Lee certainly didn't—and he knew no one else would, either. Williams later recalled that Lee read the script and simply said, "I'm not going to do that," and walked off. Common sense soon prevailed ... sort of. The script was rewritten to change the ending—not to a Kato K.O., but to a more diplomatic draw. Though The Green Hornet was Lee's first big break in the United States, the series itself lasted only 26 episodes.

5. Bruce Lee trained numerous Hollywood stars.

As Bruce Lee worked to become a big-screen heavyweight, he made a living as a martial arts trainer to the stars. Among Lee’s students were Steve McQueen, James Coburn, James Garner, Roman Polanski, and Sharon Tate. For his services, Lee was known to charge about $275 per hour or $1000 for 10 courses. McQueen and Coburn grew so enamored with Lee over the years that they remained close friends until his death in 1973, with both men serving as pallbearers at Lee's funeral (alongside Chuck Norris).

6. Roman Polanski may have (briefly) thought Bruce Lee murdered Sharon Tate.

In addition to providing Roman Polanski and his wife Sharon Tate with kung fu lessons, Bruce Lee also lived near the couple in Los Angeles when Tate and four others, including Lee’s close friend Jay Sebring, were murdered by the Manson Family in August 1969. It would be months before the Manson Family was arrested for the murders, but in the meantime, according to an article from Esquire, Polanski had grown obsessed with finding a suspect, looking for potential perpetrators even amongst his own inner circle.

During one kung fu lesson in the months after the murders, Lee had mentioned to Polanski how he had recently lost his glasses, which immediately piqued the director’s interest. A mysterious pair of horn-rimmed glasses had been found at the murder scene near his wife’s body, after all. Polanski had even purchased a gauge to measure the lenses and find out the exact prescription so that he could do his own detective work, according to The New York Post.

The director, without giving himself away, offered to bring Lee to his optician to get a new pair—this would allow him to hear Lee’s prescription firsthand and determine if the specs discovered at the crime scene belonged to him. It turned out Lee’s prescription didn’t match, and Polanski never told his friend about his suspicions.

7. Bruce Lee had his sweat glands removed.

Bruce Lee in 'Enter the Dragon' (1973)
Bruce Lee in Enter the Dragon (1973).
Warner Home Video

Bruce Lee brought an impeccable physique to the screen that was decades ahead of its time. But because his roles required so much physicality, he would be drenched with sweat while filming. And apparently, the martial arts pioneer loathed the sweat stains that would show up on his clothing as a result. His solution? In 1973, Lee actually underwent a procedure to surgically remove the sweat glands from his armpits to avoid the fashion faux pas from showing up on camera.

8. Bruce Lee’s cause of death still raises questions.

Bruce Lee’s death at the age of 32 on July 20, 1973, was officially ruled the result of a cerebral edema, or swelling of the brain. Lee had complained about headaches on the day of his death, and was given a painkiller by Betty Ting Pei—an actress who claimed to be Lee's mistress—before lying down for a nap. He never woke up.

Though many reports at the time suggested Lee had an allergic reaction to an ingredient in the painkiller, Polly points to a mystery that began on May 10, 1973, when the star previously collapsed in a hot recording studio while dubbing new dialogue for Enter the Dragon.

In Polly’s opinion, Lee’s collapse had to do with heatstroke, since his stint in an overheated recording studio was compounded by a lack of sweat glands that prevented his body from cooling off naturally. Heatstroke can also cause swelling in the brain, much like was found during Lee’s autopsy. And Dr. Lisa Leon, an expert in hyperthermia at the U.S. Army Research Institute of Environmental Medicine, told Polly, “A person who has suffered one heat stroke is at increased risk for another" and that there may be long-term complications after the initial incident.

9. Footage from Bruce Lee’s Funeral was used in 1978’s Game of Death.

At the time of his death, Bruce Lee was involved in numerous projects, including the movie that would become Game of Death, his next directorial effort. According to Vice, there wasn’t much completed on the film by the time of Lee’s passing—there were some notes, a story outline (which simply read “The big fight. An arrest is made. The airport. The end.”), and 40 minutes of footage, including Lee’s now-iconic fight against NBA great Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Usually, a project in that situation would just be a lost cause, but production company Golden Harvest wanted to salvage what they could, so they hired Enter the Dragon director Robert Clouse to put together ... something. The result was a Frankenstein’s monster of a film, comprised of 11 minutes of existing footage Lee shot, overdubbed clips from his previous movies, and stand-ins to fill out certain scenes. The director even resorted to using an unfortunate Bruce Lee cardboard cutout to complete one shot.

That’s not even the top rung on the ladder of poor taste: When the movie called for Lee’s character to fake his death, they used footage from his actual funeral to realize the scene, complete with waves of mourners, pallbearers, and closeups of Lee’s open casket.

10. Bruce Lee’s posthumous success resulted in its own sub-genre.

Lee’s career was exploding in China and gaining momentum in the United States by 1973, but he passed away just a month before his biggest hit was released: Enter the Dragon. The movie, which grossed more than $200 million at the worldwide box office, catapulted the late Lee to icon status. But with the star himself no longer around to capitalize, there would soon be a wave of knockoff films and wannabes looking to take advantage of the martial arts craze.

Both affectionately and derisively known as “Bruceploitation” films, this strange sub-genre of martial arts cinema gave life to z-movie oddities like Re-Enter the Dragon and Enter the Game of Death, starring the likes of—and we’re not kidding—Bruce Le and Bruce Li. Jackie Chan was even roped into a few of these movies, like 1976's New Fist of Fury. In 1980, Bruceploitation even went meta with The Clones of Bruce Lee, starring Dragon Lee, Bruce Le, and Bruce Lai, who play genetic reconstructions of the late actor after scientists harvest his DNA.