I'm feeling a lot better today. Good thing, too, because I'd hate to be desperate enough to try one of your faux cold remedies. If we ever publish a book full of home remedies that don't work and would probably make you sicker, here are some I'd include:
From Jason: Warm an orange slightly in the microwave. Vigorously rub the orange on your chest and back, letting your skin absorb the essential oils and vitamin c. Bury the orange under a crossroads at midnight. Your cold will vanish. Works every time.
From Nicole: Everyone knows you feed a cold. What not everyone realizes is that colds really like to eat Big Macs.
From Adam Jones: I take some Airborne and mix it with green tea using a toxin absorbing footpad as a coaster. Before drinking the tea I dip a magnet in the cup (the North end first, then the South end) and, finally, drink it through a paper towel. Always works.
From Josh: Okay. To get the cold out is simple — you must simply overwhelm your body so that it pushes out the cold. Go to a daycare and have a small child suffering from impetigo scratch the wounds and touch you. Do you have blisters that burst and leave small wet patches of red skin that weep fluid? Good! This means it's working!
From Dan: Eat one suggested serving size of pop rocks with one glass of water every four hours. This will help alleviate the symptoms associated with the common cold. It starts by dissolving in your stomach or the next part of the digestive tract, the small intestine, and your body absorbs it there. Then it goes into the bloodstream and it circulates through your entire body. Once in the bloodstream, it identifies the portions of your body that are affected by the cold symptoms....Keep in mind, high doses of pop rocks in adults can cause adult onset diabetes, so use sparingly.
From Andrew Harding: Get in an argument with your wife; you'll forget you even have a cold.
From Dawn: Everyone knows a virus can't live in freezing temperatures, so you'll need to get your body temp as low as possible. Be naked. Fill a bathtub with with ice - or better yet, liquid nitrogen, and shock that virus out of your system. Certainly do NOT go to sleep. If you rest, you clearly aren't fighting, and the virus will take over!
From Janine: I asked my kiddo and he assured me that being stung on the nose by a bee would cure a cold for sure. I asked how he knew this and he said the Chinese do it and it must work since they've been around a long time.
From My Mom: Drink some good red wine. That is my remedy. The wine has to cost at least $15 for it to work. [Note: I think this was a real suggestion. In the same email, she said my dad had just walked out of laser eye surgery. I don't know what to believe.]
From Brian: This is a remedy for a stuffy nose that is so perfectly simple, I can't believe it's not more well-known. First, find a regular house-hold drill. I prefer cordless so that you don't need to be tethered to a power outlet but that's just personal preference. Second, fit the drill with a 4-5 inch long bit. Make sure it's no more than 1/2 inch wide. Third, line the drill at a forty-five degree angle at the entrance of your left nostril. Engage the drill, and begin pushing into the nostril. **NOTE: It's very important to have the drill running before insertion so as to get through that initial wall of mucus/cartilage.** Push drill back until passage is clear or until you've reached the skull, which would be indicated by an unpleasant grinding noise. If you're still congested/alive, repeat with right nostril. Anyway you look at it you're not suffering from a cold anymore. [Note: This comment wins the "Future Googlers will realize these suggestions aren't real, won't they?" award.]
From TJ Hooker: I've been rubbing jackalope dung on my scalp for years. I'm still bald, but I've been told "any day now"¦" [Note: I'm not sure that's the right answer to today's challenge, but keep submitting it and it's bound to fit one of these.]
But I'm going with the cure suggested by Liz N. I like the way she thinks.
Well this is a COLD, so we are going to have to burn that sucker right out"¦ My first recommendation would be to eat a few HabeÃ±eros, straight up (JalepeÃ±os can be used in a pinch) Then a trip to the sauna or steam room is in order. Be sure to wear garbage bags to achieve maximum effect. After this, do what bears do and eat as much as possible"¦. then go to sleep. One to two months is preferable. Now, here is the kicker. Find a dragon. Let it breathe on you. Cold should be destroyed.
I'll be in touch about your prize. After perusing my list of books, I'll get the next challenge up later tonight.