The Cleveland Curse

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Help.

Somebody. Anybody.

Dr. Phil. Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo. Buffy The Vampire Slayer. We're not picky.

No need for archaeologists to take a flyer on finding a hellmouth in Belize. We got you covered.

Basketball season. Football season. Baseball season. Any time of year will do.

We do not yet have a losing Lingerie Football League team but only because that inaugural season of the Cleveland Crush (I wish I were making that up) doesn't roll around until Fall.

You may think this is all coincidence, a cyclical downturn. You may think it's no reason to suspect forces of evil at work.

Then please explain why presently the city's only winning team is the American Hockey League's Lake Erie Monsters.

Sorry, this city needs a "slayer." We thought we had one in Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert when he sent the Cleveland Curse packing in July. Stood right up and told the demons to hitch a ride to South Beach with LeBron James, he did.

Condemned them to walk the earth with James wherever his life of misery took him.

In a singular moment that rallied the rejected, Gilbert guaranteed the Cavaliers would win a NBA championship before the Miami Heat would.

"The self-declared former 'King' will be taking the 'curse' with him down south," Gilbert wrote in a statement on the team's website. "And until he does 'right' by Cleveland and Ohio, James [and the town where he plays] will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma."

So...how's that going?

• The Indians lost 90 games in consecutive seasons for the first time since 1978. They finished last in Major League Baseball in home attendance, which is not easily accomplished outside of Pittsburgh.

• The NFL Browns finished 5-11 in consecutive seasons and fired a head coach for the fourth time since 1999. They are denying reports their latest coach, Pat Shurmur, came from a temp agency.

• Jim Brown, the greatest player in franchise history and maybe the greatest player in NFL history, got crossways with the organization and was a no-show for the September induction of 16 Hall of Fame Browns into the organization's stadium Ring of Honor.

• Gilbert's Cavaliers own the worst record in the NBA. They have lost 31 of 32 games. They have set a team record for consecutive road losses and have the record for consecutive losses overall in their crosshairs. In a "contest" against the Los Angeles Lakers, the Cavaliers scored 57 points and lost by 55 points. Steven Seagal movies don't receive that kind of drubbing in the voting for Oscar nominations.

• Just recently my newspaper, The Plain Dealer, conducted a phone interview with Washington Generals' founder Red Klotz, whose team lost 2,495 consecutive exhibitions to the Harlem Globetrotters before winning a game in 1971. And we're calling him for advice.

• Did we mention the Pittsburgh Steelers, the Browns' most hated rival, are in the Super Bowl looking for their seventh Lombardi Trophy in eight tries? Pittsburgh's "One for the Thumb" slogan was hard enough to take in Cleveland. When we get around to "One for the Big Toe" Cleveland sports fans can only hope the Rapture occurs during the Super Bowl national anthem.

Gilbert is still popular among people here for puffing out his chest and telling LeBron James where to go. He called James a quitter. He called him a traitor.

Actually, he did more than call him one.

Gilbert. who also owns Fathead LLC, discounted the LeBron James' vinyl wall sticker to $17.41. Not coincidentally, 1741 is the year Benedict Arnold was born.

Gilbert made Clevelanders feel good the night of "The Decision," the hour-long exercise in narcissism staged by James on ESPN. He made everybody else say, "Whoa, was this guy channeling Sam Kinison or what? With such a vindictive owner running things, no wonder James got out of there."

His other mistake was in telling the Curse where to go. Curses leave when they're ready to leave. They do not take direction well as Cubs fans have learned in dealing with the Curse of the Billy Goat.

"You simply don't deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal," Gilbert wrote that July night...."I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only: DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue...."

Sure enough, people in Cleveland deserve a championship as Gilbert said.

It's been since 1964 when the Browns won the NFL title. Then Jim Brown retired. At age 29.

The Indians haven't won since 1948. The Cavaliers have never won.

Former Browns owner Art Modell, still Public Enemy No.1, moved the team to Baltimore after the 1995 season. The curse stayed. Modell won a Super Bowl with the Ravens. The Browns have played one postseason game since. (Good guess, yes, they lost. To Pittsburgh of all teams. After leading 24-7 with four minutes remaining in the third quarter.)

Former Browns coach Bill Belichick didn't win in Cleveland and was roundly dismissed as an anti-social mope. He's won three Super Bowls in New England. When Stephen Hawking gets stuck trying to solve the mysteries of the universe, it's believed he calls Bill Belichick.

Based on all that and also on the crackling fire and hellish sounds heard under our city streets, you'd have to say LeBron James' chances to pick confetti out of his hair look pretty good.

Bad Company

Cleveland doesn't have the market cornered on depressing years in sports or on depressing championship droughts.

Circa 1972 in Philadelphia comes instantly to mind. The NBA's Sixers won just nine games in '72-73 (still a record). The NFL Eagles of 1972 won just twice and the Phillies went 59-97.

The difference: Philadelphia was only five years removed from winning a NBA title with Wilt Chamberlain.

ESPN put together a list of the most tortured sports cities a few years back. For good reason, Cleveland won.

Here was ESPN's Top Ten, with my comments. I took into account recent changes of fortune where applicable:

10. HOUSTON

The Astros make Houston's spot on the list possible. But at least the Rockets won two championships while Michael Jordan was off swinging and missing at curve balls.

9. SAN DIEGO 

OK, 91 seasons with only one championship. But life is so good otherwise, it wouldn't be on my list. I lived there. Fans only truly get upset when the Chargers lose or when the ocean breeze makes it difficult to light the beach fire pit on the first try.

8. ATLANTA

It belongs in the conversation for all the losing that's gone on there: 147 seasons and one title. But a World Series 15 years ago and all that excellence from the Braves has kept hopes fairly fresh.

7. SEATTLE

Lost more than a basketball team to Oklahoma City. Lost Kevin Durant. Seattle did win a NBA title 31 years ago, which, in Cleveland and Buffalo, would feel like just yesterday.

6. MINNEAPOLIS

The Twins won the World Series in 1987 and 1991. If that happened in Cleveland, they'd immortalize everyone with a statue including the bullpen catcher.

5. BOSTON

OK, the Red Sox ended the Curse of the Bambino with a World Series title in this decade. That was a long drought. But The Celtics, Patriots, Bruins? This is a city unworthy of any miserable list.

4. CHICAGO

I know all about the Curse of the Billy Goat and how the Cubs haven't won a World Series since 1908. But now the Blackhawks have won. So have the White Sox. So did the Bears of Mike Ditka. Do we really need to mention Michael Jordan and the Bulls?

3. BUFFALO

Hasn't won anything in 45 years. Gets the seat at the head table next to Cleveland at the roast.

2. PHILADELPHIA

The Phillies won in 2008, ending a 25-year title drought. The key word there is "end." Please leave the list immediately.

1. CLEVELAND

Last NFL title: 1964. Last World Series championship: 1948. Last NBA title: never.
Not that anyone is counting.

Wayfair’s Fourth of July Clearance Sale Takes Up to 60 Percent Off Grills and Outdoor Furniture

Wayfair/Weber
Wayfair/Weber

This Fourth of July, Wayfair is making sure you can turn your backyard into an oasis while keeping your bank account intact with a clearance sale that features savings of up to 60 percent on essentials like chairs, hammocks, games, and grills. Take a look at some of the highlights below.

Outdoor Furniture

Brisbane bench from Wayfair
Brisbane/Wayfair

- Jericho 9-Foot Market Umbrella $92 (Save 15 percent)
- Woodstock Patio Chairs (Set of Two) $310 (Save 54 percent)
- Brisbane Wooden Storage Bench $243 (Save 62 percent)
- Kordell Nine-Piece Rattan Sectional Seating Group with Cushions $1800 (Save 27 percent)
- Nelsonville 12-Piece Multiple Chairs Seating Group $1860 (Save 56 percent)
- Collingswood Three-Piece Seating Group with Cushions $410 (Save 33 percent)

Grills and Accessories

Dyna-Glo electric smoker.
Dyna-Glo/Wayfair

- Spirit® II E-310 Gas Grill $479 (Save 17 percent)
- Portable Three-Burner Propane Gas Grill $104 (Save 20 percent)
- Digital Bluetooth Electric Smoker $224 (Save 25 percent)
- Cuisinart Grilling Tool Set $38 (Save 5 percent)

Outdoor games

American flag cornhole game.
GoSports

- American Flag Cornhole Board $57 (Save 19 percent)
- Giant Four in a Row Game $30 (Save 6 percent)
- Giant Jenga Game $119 (Save 30 percent)

This article contains affiliate links to products selected by our editors. Mental Floss may receive a commission for purchases made through these links.

8 Surprising Facts About Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris.
Jason Merritt, Getty Images

For decades, martial artist and actor Carlos Ray Norris Jr. has been kicking his way into the hearts of action film fans. In addition to his competitive karate career, Norris has starred in a string of successful movies as well as the long-running CBS drama Walker, Texas Ranger. With Norris having reached the milestone age of 80 years old back in March 2020, we’re taking a look at some of the more interesting facts about his life and career.

1. Chuck Norris is a military veteran.

Chuck Norris in Lone Wolf McQuade (1983)
Chuck Norris stars in Lone Wolf McQuade (1983).
MGM Home Entertainment

Born on March 10, 1940 in Ryan, Oklahoma, Norris was the oldest of three boys and a self-described “shy” child. After a move to California, Norris attended North Torrance High School. After graduating, he joined the U.S. Air Force, where he became a member of the military police in the hopes of pursuing a career in law enforcement. It was in the service, while being stationed at Osan Air Base in South Korea, that Norris first discovered the martial arts. When he once found himself unable to control a rowdy drunk in a bar while on patrol duty, Norris realized he needed combat skills. He studied Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwon Do before returning to California. When he was discharged from the Air Force in 1962, Norris began teaching the skills he had acquired to students.

2. Steve McQueen got Chuck Norris into acting.

Norris became a world champion in karate contests, which lent credence to his abilities as a martial arts instructor. He taught several celebrities the finer points of self-defense, including the Osmonds, Priscilla Presley, and Steve McQueen. Norris even trained Price Is Right host Bob Barker. But not all his schools were doing well, and after retiring from competition in 1974, Norris was looking for other opportunities. McQueen suggested that Norris try his hand at acting. McQueen was right—eventually. It took several years and nine films, but Norris had a breakthrough with 1982’s Lone Wolf McQuade.

3. Chuck Norris needed to obey a producer’s request in order to face off against Bruce Lee.

While Norris didn’t become a household name until the 1980s, his turn as a villain in 1972’s Return of the Dragon (also known as Way of the Dragon) opposite Bruce Lee wound up being a seminal meeting of two onscreen martial arts legends. When Lee was looking for an adversary for the climactic fight, he called Norris, whom he knew and was friends with. But the film’s producer insisted that Norris gain 20 pounds so that he would appear to be much larger than Lee on camera. “That’s why I don’t do jump kicks [in the movie],” Norris told Empire in 2007. “I couldn’t get off the ground!”

4. Chuck Norris founded his own martial arts system.

Taking the knowledge he had acquired over many years of training in Tang Soo Do and Tae Kwon Do, Norris developed his own unique martial arts system and philosophy that he eventually dubbed Chun Kuk Do. In addition to combat techniques, the system encourages students to develop themselves to their maximum potential and look for the good in other people. It was renamed the Chuck Norris System in 2015.

5. Chuck Norris once marketed Chuck Norris Action Jeans.

Thanks to his fame in the martial arts world, Norris was sought after to endorse athletic products. In 1982, martial arts equipment company Century recruited Norris to be a spokesperson for their Karate Jeans, which featured flexible fabric sewn into the crotch that would presumably allow the wearer to deliver a bone-crunching kick while looking fashionable. Eventually renamed Action Jeans, Norris promoted them for years.

6. Chuck Norris had his own cartoon series.

At the height of his popularity in the 1980s, Norris teamed with animation company Ruby-Spears for an animated series, Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos. The show featured Norris and a team of martial artists fighting villains like Superninja and The Claw. Although 65 shows were planned, just a few aired. “We only did six of them, and then a woman at CBS said, ‘Those are too violent,’” Norris told MTV News in 2009.

7. Chuck Norris is a real Texas Ranger.

For eight seasons, Norris pummeled bad guys as the star of the 1990s CBS television series Walker, Texas Ranger, which became the first primetime show shot on location in Texas at Norris’s insistence. In 2010, Norris was named an honorary member of the Texas Rangers by state governor Rick Perry in acknowledgment of Norris’s work in raising awareness for the elite unit and for his work helping underprivileged youths via martial arts programs. Norris’s brother, Aaron Norris, who was an executive producer on the show, also received the designation.

8. Chuck Norris’s role in Dodgeball was a surprise to Chuck Norris.

Norris is generally good-humored about his persona and is often willing to poke fun at himself. But when he was asked to do a cameo in the 2004 comedy Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story, he passed because he didn’t feel like driving three hours to the movie’s set in Long Beach, California. When star Ben Stiller called to ask personally, Norris agreed, but didn’t read the script. He simply shot his scene where he offers a thumbs-up to the dodgeball competitors.

When Norris saw the movie in theaters, he was surprised at the context. “But in the end, when Ben’s a big fatty and watching TV, the last line of the whole movie is, ‘F***in’ Chuck Norris!,'” Norris told Empire in 2007. “My mouth fell open to here… I said, ‘Holy mackerel!’ That was a shock, Ben didn’t tell me about that!”