If J.K. Rowling’s seven Harry Potter books left you hungry for more Hogwarts, you’re not alone. Fortunately, a whole bunch of totally unauthorized Potter novels have been published in other countries. To give you a taste of the kind of quality reads available to Potter fiends, here are the plot summaries of a few brazen knock-offs.
1. Harry Potter and the Leopard-Walk-Up-To Dragon (China)
This book manages to rip off two best-selling franchises. After getting caught in a sweet and sour rain, Harry turns into a fat, hairy dwarf. To recapture his magical powers, he teams up with an old wizard named Gandalf to find a mystical ring, kicking some serious dragon butt along the way. Essentially, the anonymous author took a bunch of scenes from The Hobbit and swapped in Harry Potter and his friends for Tolkien’s characters.
Here’s the first paragraph, as translated by Young-0:
Harry did not know how long this bath would take, when he would finally scrub off that oily, sticky layer of cake icing. For someone who had grown into a cultured, polite young man, a layer of sticky filth really made him feel sick. He lay in the high quality porcelain tub ceaselessly wiping his face. In his thoughts there was nothing but Dudley's fat face, fat as his Aunt Petunia's fat rear end.
2. Harry Potter and the Chinese Porcelain Doll (China)
Harry heads to Asia after learning that Voldemort is attempting to persuade his Chinese arch-enemy/protégé Yandomort to attack the Western wizarding world. There’s only one thing that can stop the dynamic duo: a porcelain doll. While en route to China, Harry runs into Long Long and Xing Xing — two Chinese circus members. As it turns out, Yandomort used to work for a circus under the name Naughty Bubble. When Voldemort murdered Naughty’s mother (Big Spinach), he also took the boy under his wing and taught him black magic.
3. Harry Potter and the Big Funnel (China)
Life at the Dursley house turns awkward when Dudley starts dating a belly dancer. Harry, who has just graduated from Hogwarts, accepts an internship position at another wizarding school. The job starts out okay – until his students start turning into wooden stools left and right. Harry is understandably confused and sets out to solve the mystery. He’s got four primary suspects: an evil student, Hagrid, Voldemort, and The Filler of Big (the big funnel). While we haven’t read the book, it's safe to assume that the funnel is the culprit.
4. Tanya Grotter and the Magical Double Bass (Russia)
Harry’s Slavic twin rides a double bass instead of a broomstick and has a large mole on her nose instead of a lightning bolt on her forehead. Other than that, she bears a striking resemblance to our favorite boy wizard -- she lives in a cupboard in the home of her relatives, the Durnevs, after her parents are killed by the evil sorceress Chuma-del-Tort.
5. Tayna Grotter and the Golden Leech (Russia)
Grotter takes on Hurry Pooper (seriously) in the World Dragonball Championship. While trying to catch the snitch, they crash and accidentally create an alternate timeline in which the evil Chuma-del-Tort has won control of the wizarding world. In this dystopian land, characters speak the Russian equivalent of Orwellian Newspeak. To make things go back to normal, Tanya must defeat the Golden Leech – which may or may not symbolize American capitalism.
6. Harry Potter in Calcutta (India)
After finishing his first year at Hogwarts, Harry hops on his Nimbus 2000 and zooms halfway across the world to Calcutta. He meets a young boy named Junto, and the two kids meet up with characters from classic Bengali literature. Legal pressure from Rowling and her publishers kept this book off the shelves.
7. Harry Potter and the Water-Repelling Pearl (China)
Harry teams up with Gandalf again (plus some guy named Peter and a team of little warriors) to find a sea city in the desert. They pass through a magical keyhole into a mysterious land, where they battle monsters and come out on top. But when he returns from his victory lap, Harry learns that Hermione’s been kidnapped by the Dragon King. To rescue her, Harry must break into the Dragon Palace using the magical waterproof pearl.
8. Harry Potter and the Half-Blooded Relative Prince (China)
Surprisingly, this novel bears very little resemblance to its namesake. In the book, Harry decides that Hogwarts isn’t rigorous enough and transfers to the top wizarding school in Asia – Qroutes School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. But while there, Harry turns to the dark side and becomes evil. In the end, his peers band together to take him down, giving him a good beating in the process.
9. Porri Gatter and the Stone Philosopher (Belarus)
In this Belarusian spoof, the magical wizard boy we know and love takes a turn for the badass. Porri Gatter rides a motorcycle instead of a broomstick and carries a grenade launcher instead of a wand.
10. Harry Potter and the Chinese Overseas Students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (China)
Voldemort’s getting stronger, so Dumbledore decides to bring in a little mental muscle to keep Hogwarts safe. He recruits six Chinese students -- all of whom are super-geniuses with incredible work ethic -- to help whip his pupils into shape. The transfers inspire Hogwarts students to stand up to Voldemort when he launches a full-scale attack with his posse of dementors, werewolves, giants, and Death Eaters in tow.
11. Harry Potter and the Showdown (China)
Following Dumbledore’s death, McGonagall and Slughorn reopen Hogwarts. Cho Chang introduces the school to a book of Asian spells called 36 Strategies to help them defeat Snape (who remains evil in this alternate ending). In a wild turn of events, McGonagall is assassinated by the sword of Gryffindor. Harry confronts Voldemort at Azkaban and kills him. The conclusion’s a real cliffhanger: Harry is stuck in an unresolved love triangle.
Bonus: Two that are only sort of serious:
13. Hairy Pothead and the Marijuana Stone (Canada)
Harry enrolls at Hempwards School of Witchcraft and Weedery after being rescued from the banality of everyday life by a biker dude. While there, he learns how to use a magical glass bong and discovers a remarkable talent for the sport Qannabbi. This Canadian spoof is basically Harry Potter meets Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle. The book’s author, Dana Larsen, was running for office in Canada when the book was published and believed it would win him support. No, he wasn’t trying to recruit young voters: Larsen is a founding member of the single-issue Marijuana Party that fights to repeal cannabis prohibition.
Thanks to the New York Times for translating and providing plot summaries for several of these books back in 2007.