9 Awards You Don't Want to Win

The Bookseller
The Bookseller / The Bookseller

You’ve no doubt heard about the Darwin Awards, a “prize” for people who cause their own demises in the dumbest ways possible. It’s definitely an award you don’t want in your trophy case. Surprisingly, there are a lot of awards out there that you don’t want your name attached to. Here are nine of them.

1. The Bookseller/Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year

A literary award, the Diagram Prize (above) is exactly what it sounds like. I think you’ll agree that the 2013 winner is definitely deserving of the honor: Goblinproofing One’s Chicken Coop. Goblinproofing faced stiff competition from God’s Doodle: The Life and Times of the Penis and How Tea Cosies Changed the World.

2. Bad Sex in Fiction Award

Presented by the Literary Review every year since 1993, the BSFA is bestowed upon authors who have written overly flowery or otherwise ridiculous sex scenes. The 2012 “winner” was Nancy Huston, author of Infrared. An excerpt:

“Kamal and I are totally immersed in flesh, that archaic kingdom that brings forth tears and terrors, nightmares, babies and bedazzlements. The word pleasure is far too weak for what transpires there. So is the word bliss.”

3. The Stella Award

Photo courtesy of PRWeb

Remember way back in 1992 when a woman sued McDonald’s because they didn’t warn her that her coffee would be hot? This award for “outrageous and frivolous lawsuits” is named after her. The awards are on indefinite hiatus right now, but here’s how the most recent Stella recipient won:

“Roy L. Pearson Jr. The 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC claims that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his pants, so he sued the mom-and-pop business for $65,462,500. That's right: more than $65 million for one pair of pants. Representing himself, Judge Pearson cried in court over the loss of his pants, whining that there certainly isn't a more compelling case in the District archives. But the Superior Court judge wasn't moved: he called the case 'vexatious litigation", scolded Judge Pearson for his 'bad faith,' and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. But Pearson didn't take no for an answer: he's appealing the decision. And he has plenty of time on his hands, since he was dismissed from his job. Last we heard, Pearson's appeal is still pending.”

4. The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest

The English Department at San Jose State University sponsors this contest to deliberately write the worst opening sentence to a novel. (Since it's deliberate, it probably wouldn't be too awful to win this one.) The 2012 winner was Cathy Bryant of Manchester, England, who wrote:

“As he told her that he loved her she gazed into his eyes, wondering, as she noted the infestation of eyelash mites, the tiny deodicids burrowing into his follicles to eat the greasy sebum therein, each female laying up to 25 eggs in a single follicle, causing inflammation, whether the eyes are truly the windows of the soul; and, if so, his soul needed regrouting.”

The contest is named after Edward George Bulwer-Lytton, the author of the famous “It was a dark and stormy night” line. There’s more to that line, though. The whole thing goes a little something like this: “It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents—except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind, which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.”

5. The Foot in Mouth Award

Though you’d probably like to nominate someone you know for this honor, the Plain English Campaign awards the Foot in Mouth to a public figure who has made a baffling comment in the last year. Mitt Romney won in 2012, for statements such as "I believe in an America where millions of Americans believe in an America that's the America millions of Americans believe in. That's the America I love."

6. Ig Nobel Prize

Photo courtesy of Cornell

As opposed to the Nobel Prize, which is typically awarded for momentous achievements, the Ig Nobel is given for rather insignificant accomplishments. Winners for 2012 included the authors of a study entitled “Leaning to the Left Makes the Eiffel Tower Seem Smaller,” and the U.S. Government General Accountability Office, “for issuing a report about reports about reports that recommends the preparation of a report about the report about reports about reports.”

7. Pigasus Award

If you’ve ever doubted that people can bend spoons with their minds or contact long-dead loved ones, then you’ll love the Pigasus Award. Skeptic James Randi founded the award in 1979 and gives it to parapsychological, paranormal or psychic frauds almost annually on April 1. One of this year’s big winners:

“Houston biochemist and physician Stanislaw Burzynski, who sells expensive cancer ‘cures’ by administering 'antineoplastons,' costing his customers tens of thousands of dollars, and which have never been shown to be efficacious in controlled trials. His cancer therapy is not FDA approved. Despite his many customers to whom he sells his so-called 'cancer cure,' he has never published the final results of a single clinical trial. The FDA has sent his clinic warning letters about their unsafe research methods and is currently investigating possible violations of rules meant to protect research subjects, including children.”

8. The Ernie Awards

A crowd of 400 Australian women gather every year to hear the nominees of the Ernie Awards, a recognition of the most misogynist statements. The statement that is booed the most “wins.” A recent winner was prominent Australian law firm Clayton Utz, which released a statement saying of the female partners in the firm: "Certainly they are all females but each of them are extremely competent lawyers."

The awards are named after Australian Workers' Union official Ernie Ecob, who was known for saying things such as, "Women aren't welcome in the [sheep] shearing sheds. They're only after the sex."

9. The Golden Razzies

Photo courtesy of Razzies.com

Since 1980, the Golden Raspberry Awards have served as a counterpart to the Academy Awards. Instead of being honored for excellence, the Razzies are awarded to people in the film industry who gave absolutely awful performances. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 nearly swept the Razzies this year, winning in the categories of Worst Picture, Worst Actress, Worst Supporting Actor, Worst Screen Couple, Worst Sequel, Worst Director, and Worst Screen Ensemble.