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Shiny baubles, stars, Santa, snowmen, and tinsel: If you’re tired of the same old Christmas ornaments, and want something that speaks to you or your loved ones personally, look no further.
1. Fuzzy Sultry Santa on the Rocks
Buy it: eBay
For: Anyone who is fabulous
“Santa Baby, slip yourself under the tree, for me.”
2. Krampus ... Or Satan
Buy it: eBay
For: the Yuletide Whipping Enthusiast
I think that this isn’t actually the Devil, but Krampus, the Christmas demon popular in Alpine regions. Krampus comes on Christmas and whips children before dragging them to hell in baskets. Or it may be the Devil. Either way, it’ll pose an interesting counterpoint to all those Christmas angels and jolly Santas on your tree.
3. Santa who suddenly understands the futility of it all
Buy it: eBay
For: Your cousin who just read Atlas Shrugged
Santa is John Galt.
4. Happy Christmas mouse being lured to his death with the promise of festive joy
Buy it: eBay
For: Someone with a sick sense of humor
Think hard about this one. The last thing you need this Christmas is the insurgency of the super-intelligent mice in your house triggered by the cruel death of their cutest comrade.
5. Barechested Golden Sphinx
Buy it: eBay
For: History buffs and nephews
You’re going to be amazed at your nephew’s sudden interest in Egyptian history this Christmas.
6. Terrified Watermelon, descending
Buy it: eBay
For: Gardeners who also might enjoy skydiving
There is nothing worse than when an inanimate object becomes self-aware and must endure the rest of eternity locked in an expression of existential terror.
7. Roller skating Santa crushing the life out of reindeer
Buy it: eBay
For: The family black sheep who you affectionately call your “Drunkle.”
Hard times have reduced Santa down to a single reindeer, roller skates, and malt liquor.
8. Burt Reynolds Cosmo layout ornament.
Buy it: eBay
For: Grandmas who still love Burt Reynolds
This was a considered an aphrodisiac fertility symbol to our ancestors.
9. Three faced baby with knob head
Buy it: eBay
For: Whichever family member best expresses themself through angry dolls
Normally, you’d only encounter this little soul-eater in your nightmares. But hang it from a tree and hey! Merry Christmas.
10. Hercules, selling tiny Herculeses
Buy it: eBay
For: Anyone not too hung up on historical accuracy—even mythical historical accuracy.
Greek gods might have conflicted feelings about hanging on a Christmas tree. Also, they wouldn’t know what a Christmas was. But neither would an anthropomorphic watermelon, so whatever.
12. Virgin Mary-faced Turkey Slaughter Lady
Buy it: eBay
For: Whoever looks at their Christmas tree and says, “Needs more dead things.”
A little reminder that next year, you can leave your Tofurky back at your solar powered mud hut, hippie.
13. Head of Genie Who Mistrusts You
Buy it: eBay
For: Kids going away to college
Dad won’t always be able to keep an eye on you, but Genie can. And Genie thinks you’ve had enough Red Chair IPA.
14. Doll Head with 1000-yard stare
Buy it: eBay
For: Grandpa, who was never the same after the war
Dolly has seen things. Awful, awful things.
15. Japanese Evil Elf-Head Light Covers
Buy it: eBay
For: Whoever in your family thinks the holiday season is lacking in nasty little heads.
Who do you think would show more mercy? The sniggering pointy eared elves, or the dead-eyed blond elves? Trick question. Neither.
16. Naked Angel Baby with Fantastic Hair.
Buy it: eBay
For: The religious scholar
Among the different varieties that represent the heavenly host, there are the Seraphim, the Cherubim, and oft forgotten Cutie-patootie Bare Bumiam.
At time of writing, all ornaments were still available to buy.