16 Very Strange Christmas Ornaments You Can Buy

ebay / ebay

Shiny baubles, stars, Santa, snowmen, and tinsel: If you’re tired of the same old Christmas ornaments, and want something that speaks to you or your loved ones personally, look no further.

1. Fuzzy Sultry Santa on the Rocks

Buy it: eBay

For: Anyone who is fabulous

“Santa Baby, slip yourself under the tree, for me.”

2. Krampus ... Or Satan

Buy it: eBay

For: the Yuletide Whipping Enthusiast

I think that this isn’t actually the Devil, but Krampus, the Christmas demon popular in Alpine regions. Krampus comes on Christmas and whips children before dragging them to hell in baskets. Or it may be the Devil. Either way, it’ll pose an interesting counterpoint to all those Christmas angels and jolly Santas on your tree.

3. Santa who suddenly understands the futility of it all

Buy it: eBay

For: Your cousin who just read Atlas Shrugged

Santa is John Galt.

4. Happy Christmas mouse being lured to his death with the promise of festive joy

Buy it: eBay

For: Someone with a sick sense of humor

Think hard about this one. The last thing you need this Christmas is the insurgency of the super-intelligent mice in your house triggered by the cruel death of their cutest comrade.

5. Barechested Golden Sphinx

Buy it: eBay

For: History buffs and nephews

You’re going to be amazed at your nephew’s sudden interest in Egyptian history this Christmas.

6. Terrified Watermelon, descending

Buy it: eBay

For: Gardeners who also might enjoy skydiving

There is nothing worse than when an inanimate object becomes self-aware and must endure the rest of eternity locked in an expression of existential terror.

7. Roller skating Santa crushing the life out of reindeer

Buy it: eBay

For: The family black sheep who you affectionately call your “Drunkle.”

Hard times have reduced Santa down to a single reindeer, roller skates, and malt liquor.

8. Burt Reynolds Cosmo layout ornament.

Buy it: eBay

For: Grandmas who still love Burt Reynolds

This was a considered an aphrodisiac fertility symbol to our ancestors.

9. Three faced baby with knob head

Buy it: eBay

For: Whichever family member best expresses themself through angry dolls

Normally, you’d only encounter this little soul-eater in your nightmares. But hang it from a tree and hey! Merry Christmas.

10. Hercules, selling tiny Herculeses

Buy it: eBay

For: Anyone not too hung up on historical accuracy—even mythical historical accuracy.

Greek gods might have conflicted feelings about hanging on a Christmas tree. Also, they wouldn’t know what a Christmas was. But neither would an anthropomorphic watermelon, so whatever.

12. Virgin Mary-faced Turkey Slaughter Lady

Buy it: eBay

For: Whoever looks at their Christmas tree and says, “Needs more dead things.”

A little reminder that next year, you can leave your Tofurky back at your solar powered mud hut, hippie.

13. Head of Genie Who Mistrusts You

Buy it: eBay

For: Kids going away to college

Dad won’t always be able to keep an eye on you, but Genie can. And Genie thinks you’ve had enough Red Chair IPA.

14. Doll Head with 1000-yard stare

Buy it: eBay

For: Grandpa, who was never the same after the war

Dolly has seen things. Awful, awful things.

15. Japanese Evil Elf-Head Light Covers

Buy it: eBay

For: Whoever in your family thinks the holiday season is lacking in nasty little heads.

Who do you think would show more mercy? The sniggering pointy eared elves, or the dead-eyed blond elves? Trick question. Neither.

16. Naked Angel Baby with Fantastic Hair.

Buy it: eBay

For: The religious scholar

Among the different varieties that represent the heavenly host, there are the Seraphim, the Cherubim, and oft forgotten Cutie-patootie Bare Bumiam.

At time of writing, all ornaments were still available to buy.