Only two things make everyone tear up: the end of Old Yeller and chopping onions. There’s no cure for the dog movie, but we kitchen-tested 4 tricks for beating onions.

1. WEAR GOGGLES

Eyepieces block the offensive gasses from hitting your peepers. Several companies make “onion goggles,” but for some steampunk flair, try antique motorcycle goggles!
Does it work? Not a tear in sight. At least not until people started mocking our new look.

2. PUT A PIECE OF BREAD IN YOUR MOUTH

Some people claim dangling a piece of bread from your mouth will absorb the rising gases.
Does it work? Waterworks city. Also, it’s disconcertingly slobbery.

3. CHOP NEAR AN OPEN FLAME

If you’ve got a gas stove, fire up one of the burners. The flame sucks in the gases and burns them off before they can get in your eyes.
Does it work? Shockingly well. Make sure the flame is on high, though. Lower settings just left us misty-eyed and warm, like watching The Notebook in a budget tanning bed.

4. CUT UNDER COLD WATER

Either run cold water over the onions while slicing them or cut them underwater. This technique will send all those tear-jerking chemicals down the drain.
Does it work? Not a single tear using either method. On the downside, wasting this much water makes Al Gore weep.