12 of Orson Welles's Greatest Insults

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Getty Images

Your relationship with Orson Welles probably depends on your age. For some, he’s the pioneering director of 1941’s Citizen Kane. For others, Welles is the burly, bearded spokesman for Paul Masson wines. And for toy fans, he is the voice of Unicron, the sentient planet of 1986’s Transformers: The Movie (it’s about “toys who do horrible things to each other,” he explained to a friend).

Welles could seemingly do it all, from reinventing filmmaking to antagonizing Optimus Prime. But one thing the man seemed incapable of was tolerating impertinence. Anyone caught wasting Welles’s time was subject to a verbal tirade, and anyone deemed beneath his standards of talent was impaled with his words. Please enjoy some of his harshest put-downs and comebacks, all aimed at those he found contemptible—even if it was, as in the case of his dog’s farts, only in passing.

1. On Humphrey Bogart

“Now, Bogart, who was both a coward and a very bad fighter, was always picking fights in nightclubs, in sure knowledge that the waiters would stop him. Making fearless remarks to people … when he knew he was well covered by the busboys.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

2. On Elizabeth Taylor

“She has no neck left! Her shoulders come to her ears. And she’s still young! Now, look, imagine where her face will be when she’s my age. In her navel, you know?”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

3. Addressing visitors to his table who said it was nice to see him

“So nice to see you too, but that’s enough.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

4. On colorizing movies

“Don’t let Ted Turner deface my movie with his crayons.”

The Associated Press, 1989

5. On meeting Adolf Hitler

“The world leader that really came to nothing as far as my memory was concerned was Hitler ... in the days when the Nazis were just a comical kind of minority party of nuts that no one took seriously at all ... the man sitting next to me was Hitler. He made so little impression on me I can’t remember a second of it. He had no personality whatsoever.”

The Dick Cavett Show

6. On working in television

“On my tombstone, I want written, ‘He never did Love Boat!’”

The Los Angeles Times, 2008

7. On actors

“Some weeks ago, I heard you say, to my distress, you had once been an actor. I’m always sorry to hear anybody I admire has been an actor.”

The Dick Cavett Show

8. On actors (again)

“I’ve always said there are three sexes: men, women, and actors. And actors combine the worst qualities of the other two.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

9. On being told he was overweight by Robert Blake on The Tonight Show

“You’re right, I’m overweight. And if I wanted to, I could lose the weight. But, Robert, you’re ugly, and I’m afraid there’s nothing that can be done about that. You’ll be ugly until the day you die.”

Making Movies with Orson Welles, 2011

10. On being asked to exaggerate the appeal of Paul Masson wine for an ad by comparing it to a Stradivarius

"Come on, gentlemen, now really! You have a nice, pleasant little cheap wine here. You haven't gotten the presumption to compare it to a Stradivarius violin. It's odious."

Orson Welles's Last Movie, 2015

11. On Bette Davis

“I can’t stand looking at Bette Davis, so I don’t want to see her act.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

12. On his dog, Kiki, and her flatulence during lunch

“Oh, Kiki … she’s forgotten herself. Ooh, yes—oooh! Isn’t that terrible? This is a real … like atomic warfare. Mmm, boy—that was one.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

Bonus: The one thing he couldn't criticize—It's a Wonderful Life

“It is sheer Norman Rockwell from beginning to end. But you cannot resist it! There’s no way of hating that movie.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

Additional Sources:
My Lunches with Orson: Conversations Between Henry Jaglom and Orson Welles.

This Course Will Teach You How to Play Guitar Like a Pro for $29

BartekSzewczyk/iStock via Getty Images
BartekSzewczyk/iStock via Getty Images

Be honest: You’ve watched a YouTube video or two in an attempt to learn how to play a song on the guitar. Whether it was through tabs or simply copying whatever you saw on the screen, the fun always ends when friends start throwing out requests for songs you have no idea how to play. So how about you actually learn how to play guitar for real this time?

It’s now possible to learn guitar from home with the Ultimate Beginner to Expert Guitar Lessons Bundle, which is currently on sale for $29. Grab that Gibson, Fender, or whatever you have handy, and learn to strum rhythms from scratch.

The strumming course will teach you how to count beats and rests to turn your hands and fingers into the perfect accompaniment for your own voice or other musicians. Then, you can take things a step further and learn advanced jamming and soloing to riff anytime, anywhere. This course will teach you to improvise across various chords and progressions so you can jump into any jam with something original. You’ll also have the chance to dive deep into the major guitar genres of bluegrass, blues, and jazz. Lessons in jam etiquette, genre history, and how to read music will separate you from a novice player.

This bundle also includes courses in ear training so you can properly identify any relative note, interval, or pitch. That way, you can play along with any song when it comes on, or even understand how to modify it into the key you’d prefer. And when the time comes to perform, be prepared with skilled hammer-ons, pull-offs, slides, bends, trills, vibrato, and fret-tapping. Not only will you learn the basic foundations of guitar, you’ll ultimately be able to develop your own style with the help of these lessons.

The Ultimate Beginner to Expert Guitar Lessons Bundle is discounted for a limited time. Act on this $29 offer now to work on those fingertip calluses and play like a pro.

 

The Ultimate Beginner to Expert Guitar Lessons Bundle - $29

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Which Friends Character Would Earn the Most Money in the Real World?

Warner Bros. Television/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
Warner Bros. Television/Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Although Friends went off the air in 2004, the iconic sitcom continues to attract new fans who've discovered the show via re-runs and streaming networks like HBO Max.

To play into this devoted fan base, the professional resume writers at StandOut-CV conducted a fun experiment: They asked more than 3000 fans to predict where Joey, Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Phoebe, and Monica would be today, career-wise. They also took the time to figure out how much each character would earn in their respective fields in the real world. Could we be more curious?

Bringing in the highest salary is Joey, whose acting exploits are projected to earn him approximately $61,022 a year. Next comes Dr. Ross, whose career as a paleontologist brings in an estimated $59,023. After that comes fashion designer Rachel, earning $54,563 a year, followed by Chandler's writer/editor salary of $47,039 annually. Phoebe comes next, with her musical career bringing in an annual salary of $43,604 (although the site doesn't mention how her massage therapy business might factor into her life today). Surprisingly, Monica would bring in the least amount of money; she'd earn an average of $43,165 per year as a head chef.

As far as where fans think the Friends gang would be today, the answers are pretty great: They believe Joey would have expanded his acting career to include his own reality series called Keeping Up With Joey Tribbiani. Monica, meanwhile, would have taken the next step in her culinary career by opening up her own restaurant, and her husband Chandler would have continued his passion for writing at a comics magazine. The last season of Friends follows Rachel as she works as an executive for Ralph Lauren, and fans theorize that she would have used her breadth of experience to start her own fashion brand. It's believed Phoebe would have continued her music career, perhaps even becoming a music teacher, while Ross would have spent time writing dinosaur-themed children's books.

Hopefully, the upcoming Friends reunion special will give fans a final answer on what the characters would be up to today.