12 of Orson Welles's Greatest Insults

Getty Images
Getty Images

Your relationship with Orson Welles probably depends on your age. For some, he’s the pioneering director of 1941’s Citizen Kane. For others, Welles is the burly, bearded spokesman for Paul Masson wines. And for toy fans, he is the voice of Unicron, the sentient planet of 1986’s Transformers: The Movie (it’s about “toys who do horrible things to each other,” he explained to a friend).

Welles could seemingly do it all, from reinventing filmmaking to antagonizing Optimus Prime. But one thing the man seemed incapable of was tolerating impertinence. Anyone caught wasting Welles’s time was subject to a verbal tirade, and anyone deemed beneath his standards of talent was impaled with his words. Please enjoy some of his harshest put-downs and comebacks, all aimed at those he found contemptible—even if it was, as in the case of his dog’s farts, only in passing.

1. On Humphrey Bogart

“Now, Bogart, who was both a coward and a very bad fighter, was always picking fights in nightclubs, in sure knowledge that the waiters would stop him. Making fearless remarks to people … when he knew he was well covered by the busboys.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

2. On Elizabeth Taylor

“She has no neck left! Her shoulders come to her ears. And she’s still young! Now, look, imagine where her face will be when she’s my age. In her navel, you know?”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

3. Addressing visitors to his table who said it was nice to see him

“So nice to see you too, but that’s enough.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

4. On colorizing movies

“Don’t let Ted Turner deface my movie with his crayons.”

The Associated Press, 1989

5. On meeting Adolf Hitler

“The world leader that really came to nothing as far as my memory was concerned was Hitler ... in the days when the Nazis were just a comical kind of minority party of nuts that no one took seriously at all ... the man sitting next to me was Hitler. He made so little impression on me I can’t remember a second of it. He had no personality whatsoever.”

The Dick Cavett Show

6. On working in television

“On my tombstone, I want written, ‘He never did Love Boat!’”

The Los Angeles Times, 2008

7. On actors

“Some weeks ago, I heard you say, to my distress, you had once been an actor. I’m always sorry to hear anybody I admire has been an actor.”

The Dick Cavett Show

8. On actors (again)

“I’ve always said there are three sexes: men, women, and actors. And actors combine the worst qualities of the other two.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

9. On being told he was overweight by Robert Blake on The Tonight Show

“You’re right, I’m overweight. And if I wanted to, I could lose the weight. But, Robert, you’re ugly, and I’m afraid there’s nothing that can be done about that. You’ll be ugly until the day you die.”

Making Movies with Orson Welles, 2011

10. On being asked to exaggerate the appeal of Paul Masson wine for an ad by comparing it to a Stradivarius

"Come on, gentlemen, now really! You have a nice, pleasant little cheap wine here. You haven't gotten the presumption to compare it to a Stradivarius violin. It's odious."

Orson Welles's Last Movie, 2015

11. On Bette Davis

“I can’t stand looking at Bette Davis, so I don’t want to see her act.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

12. On his dog, Kiki, and her flatulence during lunch

“Oh, Kiki … she’s forgotten herself. Ooh, yes—oooh! Isn’t that terrible? This is a real … like atomic warfare. Mmm, boy—that was one.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

Bonus: The one thing he couldn't criticize—It's a Wonderful Life

“It is sheer Norman Rockwell from beginning to end. But you cannot resist it! There’s no way of hating that movie.”

My Lunches with Orson, 2014

Additional Sources:
My Lunches with Orson: Conversations Between Henry Jaglom and Orson Welles.

Celebrate the Holidays With the 2020 Harry Potter Funko Pop Advent Calendar

Funko
Funko

Though the main book series and movie franchise are long over, the Wizarding World of Harry Potter remains in the spotlight as one of the most popular properties in pop-culture. The folks at Funko definitely know this, and every year the company releases a new Advent calendar based on the popular series so fans can count down to the holidays with their favorite characters.

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Right now, you can pre-order the 2020 edition of Funko's popular Harry Potter Advent calendar, and if you do it through Amazon, you'll even get it on sale for 33 percent off, bringing the price down from $60 to just $40.

Funko Pop!/Amazon

Over the course of the holiday season, the Advent calendar allows you to count down the days until Christmas, starting on December 1, by opening one of the tiny, numbered doors on the appropriate day. Each door is filled with a surprise Pocket Pop! figurine—but outside of the trio of Harry, Hermione, and Ron, the company isn't revealing who you'll be getting just yet.

Calendars will start shipping on October 15, but if you want a head start, go to Amazon to pre-order yours at a discount.

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The Office Children's Book Is Coming to Introduce Your Kids to Dunder Mifflin

The Office: A Day at Dunder Mifflin Elementary is coming from Little, Brown Books for Young Readers in October.
The Office: A Day at Dunder Mifflin Elementary is coming from Little, Brown Books for Young Readers in October.
Little, Brown Books for Young Readers/Amazon

Thanks to constant TV reruns and easy access via Netflix, The Office hasn't lost any of its popularity since airing its series finale in 2013. Now the beloved sitcom is about to be introduced to a whole new audience that (fortunately) isn't old enough to understand what Michael Scott means when he says "That's what she said." As Entertainment Weekly reports, a new book for kids, The Office: A Day at Dunder Mifflin Elementary, is out now.

While it might be hard to imagine how a children's book all about Dunder Mifflin would work, now that we're getting a glimpse at it, it seems like the best idea ever. A Day at Dunder Mifflin Elementary will introduce your little ones to all your favorite paper company employees—though they won't be the same Jim and Pam we all know so well. In this book, the illustrated characters are all school-aged.

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The 40-page book is written by Robb Pearlman, author of Bob Ross and Peapod the Squirrel, Pink is for Boys, and Star Trek: Fun with Kirk and Spock, and illustrated by Melanie Demmer, who works on the My Furry Foster Family series. Though the book is intended for kids ages 4 to 8, you can be sure that we'll be reading it, too.

You can order your copy of The Office: A Day at Dunder Mifflin Elementary for $16 on Amazon right now. And if you're looking for more Office collectibles that are available right now, head here.

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