11 Crazy Bigfoot Conspiracy Theories
By Mark Mancini
Whether or not you believe in Bigfoot, chances are you live pretty close to somebody who does: Sasquatch sightings have been reported in every state but Hawaii over the course of several centuries. In the process, a number of bizarre theories have been put forth to explain how the mysterious beasts came to be, reproduce, and constantly evade us.
1. A DNA Test Proved That Bigfoot is a Part-Human Hybrid… And Deserves U.S. Citizenship!
Texas veterinarian Melba S. Ketchum claimed last November to have proved via sasquatch DNA sample that the legendary apes are partially human. She even went so far as to insist that the Government recognize them as “an indigenous people and immediately protect their human and Constitutional rights."
2. The Government Secretly Removed Burnt Sasquatch Corpses from Mount St. Helens after the 1980 Eruption.
Following the disaster, a few witnesses reported seeing federal helicopters carrying off the charred remains of several sasquatches from the area. Prior to the eruption, Mount St. Helens had already been a hot spot for supposed “ape-men” sightings since the 1920s. In fact, so many of these stories were recorded that a nearby gorge was eventually named “Ape Canyon.”
3. Bigfoot is Really a Caveman.
In 2007, Vancouver Island resident Robert Wilson claimed to have seen “what I thought was a bear. I drove down and saw what I could only describe as a large, hairy man who looked cave man-like… with sort of Neanderthal features. As big as a bear, easily.” Expanding on his claim, a 2011 History Channel documentary proposed that “[the] sasquatch might not be a giant ape at all, but could be a species of prehistoric human.” You can see the segment in question at this video’s 55-minute mark.
4. Bigfoot is Really an Alien.
Two conspiracies for the price of one! In 1973, Pennsylvanian UFO researcher Stan Gordon noticed an increase in sightings of sasquatches entering and exiting the extraterrestrial vessels. Fascinated by the possibility that the mysterious primates may actually hail from another planet, Gordon quickly set up a “UFO-Bigfoot Hotline” which still runs to this day.
5. Bigfoot is Really a Giant Ground Sloth.
While most “experts” believe the sasquatch to be some form of shaggy primate, a few have opined that these beasts are actually surviving giant ground sloths. For more on these fascinating prehistoric mammals, do go here.
6. Sasquatches Occasionally Sodomize Domestic Cows.
Animal-on-animal bestiality is far from uncommon. Accordingly, more than a few farmers claim to have witnessed male Bigfeet (which is the plural of Bigfoot) getting intimate with some unfortunate bovines. (Where’s Gary Larson when you need him?)
7. Sasquatches Appear in the Bible.
A few modern creationists have argued that the giants briefly mentioned in the book of Genesis were actually early Bigfeet.
8. 10 percent of Sasquatches Might be Gay.
Cryptozoologist Loren Coleman recalls having once “lightheartedly wondered aloud if 10 percent of the Bigfoot population, matching the figures we have on Homo sapiens, might be gay.” Days later, he was shocked to discover a slew of angry e-mails denouncing him for calling “Bigfoot a homosexual.” You can visit Coleman’s official website here.
9. Sasquatches Bury Their Dead.
One of the most jarring questions for cryptozoologists is “If sasquatches are real, why don’t we ever find their bodies?” Many believers argue that, not unlike modern elephants, the elusive apes actually bury their dead. For a lengthy list of purported “sightings" of Bigfoot burials in progress, check this out.
10. The Government Captured A Live Sasquatch in 1999.
In 1999, a number of simultaneous fires ravaged Battle Mountain, Nevada. An injured bigfoot was supposedly spotted in the carnage before being whisked away by Government officials for treatment. A brief summary of the alleged event is available at the Sierra Tahoe Bigfoot Research Blog.
11. Bigfoot Calls have been Documented and can be Easily Mimicked.
Believers feel that Bigfoot calls are diverse and distinctive, as evidenced in Animal Planet’s Finding Bigfoot series.
Here’s another in which the program’s host, James “Bobo” Fay, shows off his sasquatch roar to a confused Conan O’Brien.