Feeling creatively bankrupt this Halloween? Can’t stand the idea of donning another generic witch cap, ghost sheet, or sexy pizza rat costume? You’ve come to the right place.
If you, like me, have been accused of suffering from witzelsucht, or any other such judgment leveled against your innocent penchant for puns, then let it be known: Halloween is the costumed arena where we shall have our revenge. What follows below is a list of pun-based costumes for Halloween, each of which assuredly consists of a very long walk to a very short punchline. Let the groans begin.
1. Dress as a Jungle goddess and cover yourself in numbers that can’t be divided. You’re Amazon Prime.
2. Dress as a many-pronged garden tool and rap all night. You’re d’rake.
3. Dress as a zombie boxer and say you’re there to kill a doppelganger. You’re a dead ringer.
4. If you’re just single and looking for love, put on a coal worker’s hat and a headlight. You can flirt by saying you’re an unaccompanied miner.
5. Dress as a bloodsucking bug and act jittery all night. You’re just a nervous tick.
6. Create an electrical socket out of cardboard and then doodle, collage and scrapbook all over it. You’re a creative outlet.
7. Dress as a jar of Jif peanut butter and cover yourself in gold flowers. When people ask, say you’re Jif Gold-bloom.
8. Attach half of a window to your butt. Say you’re a pane in the ass.
9. Dress as a sea cow in every color of the rainbow. Introduce yourself as all of hue-manatee.
10. Put a muzzle on your face and create a podium out of cardboard. You’re a Hannibal lectern.
11. Cover yourself in parchment or wrapping paper and draw dice and question marks all over it. Voilà! Chance the Wrapper.
12. Cover yourself in gold body paint and carry around a saxophone. You’re Goldman Sax. (Bonus points if you can actually play "Careless Whisper.")
13. Wear a sign that says Route 666. When people point out the extra 6 as a mistake, correct them by saying “No, I’m the Route of All Evil.”
14. Get together a group of 12 of your single friends and just say you’re the “bae-cursed dozen.”
15. Get a bunch of girlfriends together to dress in formalwear and fine jewelry, then add bucket hats and fishing poles. Fight all night. When people ask, say you’re the Reel Housewives (of whatever city).
16. Dress like a hipster, introduce yourself as Anna Jones and carry a whip. You’re Indie Anna Jones.
17. Don a nun costume and a silver medal. You’re Second to Nun.
18. Wear all orange, get a spray-tan, and put on a sailor’s hat. You’re a sun-kissed naval orange.
19. Dress as Elmer Fudd and get very very slightly angry at everything. You’re minimum wage.
20. Cover yourself with legal jargon and speak Italian. Tell people you’ve got laws-on-ya.
21. Wear a business suit and carry around a hunk of meat. You’re an important steak-holder.
22. For a group of tech junkies: Dress as wild cats and act crazy all night. You can’t help it; you’re just hyper-lynx.
23. Dress as a tube of Colgate Total and photo-bomb people’s pictures all night by standing directly in front of them. You’re the Total Eclipse.
24. Wear a Red Cross on your chest, a leather jacket and sunglasses. You’re the cool aid man.
25. Dress as a kid and cover yourself in flour. Sing peace songs all night—you’re a flour child.
26. Lazy? Just put on bear ears. Say you’re doing the bear minimum.
Sam Corbin is a writer and performer based in Brooklyn. Her puns have been featured in The New Yorker, InStyle Magazine, Bust Magazine, Gothamist, and Huffington Post. Sam is also a multi-time champion of the Punderdome, a monthly pun tournament in Brooklyn, New York. She currently works at BuzzFeed. Twitter: @ahoysamantha.
This piece originally ran in 2017.