There is a version of this story that is very short and goes something like this: Here is a real thing that exists. Now go tell all your friends about it.
The longer version of the story is this: In 1976, then-two-time World Heavyweight Champion and all-around famous athlete Muhammad Ali got together with the likes of Frank Sinatra, Ossie Davis, Howard Cosell, and assorted other people who you would think had better things to do and recorded a record called Ali and His Gang Vs. Mr. Tooth Decay. It's a sometimes-musical cautionary tale against the dangers of ingesting too much sugar aimed at—and partially voiced by—young children.
Aside from a small note in the San Bernardino County Sun that the record was nominated for a Grammy in the category of Children's Comedy Record, there is little to be found in terms of contemporary response. Since then, the record, and several pseudo-sequels it spawned—including one in which Ali is joined by President Jimmy Carter to tackle the slightly more insidious problem of drug use—have become collectors' items, but it still doesn't seem to have found a wide audience outside the realm of quirky record aficionados.
I'm here to tell you, that anonymity is largely deserved. If you see it at a yard sale for a reasonable price, certainly pick it up, if only for the cover art and value as a conversation starter. And if you do, go ahead and listen to it once or twice, but probably once is enough.
Don't want to take my word for it and don't have time to seek out an authentic copy? You can go ahead and listen to the entire thing online right here. But if you still don't want to commit nearly 40 minutes to out-of-date dental advice, I went ahead and pulled some highlights.
It starts with a song
The theme song is the best part. That's undeniable. It's groovy and genuinely catchy and has been stuck in my head for the past few days. (You can listen to it all on its own right here.) But it makes no sense. It's not even about tooth decay, and relevancy within this totally bizarre context is hardly the only confusing part. Let's consider some lyrics:
Who knocked the crack in the Liberty Bell?/Aliiii, Aliiii!
I'm not sure that's entirely true, but okay.
Who rode the ride of Paul Revere?/Aliiii, Aliiii!
That one is definitely not true. I'm pretty sure that was Paul Revere.
Who dumped the tea in the Boston Bay?/Aliiii, Aliii!/Set fire to the ship that was sitting in the bay?/Aliii, Aliii!/Destroyed the tea so our country could be free/Dressed up like an Indian, who was he?
Now this is just irresponsible educating. Even if Muhammad Ali (born 1942) was present for the Boston Tea Party (1773), I'm not sure he, or anyone else there, "destroyed the tea so our country could be free."
The chorus seems to provide some sort of explanation, saying that "Ali's always gettin' blamed for things he didn't do." But the examples seem like good things? And was anyone accusing Muhammad Ali of participating in the American Revolution? Maybe it's a conscientious objector thing. Regardless, it leads not-so-smoothly into our tale of adventure.
Howard Cosell, with admirable aplomb, introduces us to a gang of kids facing crippling ennui and formidable philosophical questions. “What else can you do in the summer besides swinging, hanging out in the woods and making blueberry pies?” one of them bemoans. (I would have suggested expanding their baking repertoire to include peach crumble, but this doesn't come up.)
Instead, we cut to "two funny looking characters": Mr. Tooth Decay has a vaguely Russian accent, and Sugar Cuba has the sort of sniveling, weasel-y voice required of villainous sidekicks. He does not, in a case of missed opportunity, have a Cuban accent. He is, however, possibly a reference to how cavities are much like the communism in Cuba. Which is to say, bad.
Back with the gang we meet Ali, who follows the kids into the clubhouse. Upon spotting the famed boxer, the kids break out into a monotonous chorus usually reserved for reciting the Pledge of Allegiance: "Hey, that’s Ali. What’s he doing here? Oh he’s so big and handsome. Wow. Let’s get his autograph."
But there is no time for autographs. A song breaks out extolling the infinite strength of Muhammad Ali. It includes the lyric "Gang, I murdered a dead tree"—a feat that is neither feasible nor environmentally responsible. Naturally, this convinces the gang to dedicate their summer to fighting tooth decay.
But en route to meet one of Ali's allies in the fight, the gang notices that Andy and Kelly have snuck off together. Since these are children we’re talking about, get your mind out of the gutter. They’ve just gone for some ice cream! Sweet, innocent ice cream. Or so you thought. "Ice cream!? Oh no!" Ali cries, thwarting their plans.
“Hey man, that’s like taking candy from a baby,” the shopkeeper offers with an implied wink. After the gang explains their mission to Ol’ Blue Eyes, the curiously melodious shopkeeper (spoiler: it’s Frank Sinatra) and rejects his entreaties to join the fight, they’re off to a cow pasture, where Ali tries to sell them on the idea that raw milk is as tasty as ice cream. There, Brother St. John, played by noted biodynamic farming expert Ossie Davis, lectures on the value of organic food and homemade preserves. He also offers a quick primer on fluoride and some since-debunked advice to always brush immediately after eating.
When they get back to the clubhouse, the kids notice posters of sweets that look "good enough to eat" and their resolve wavers. Ali gets the gang back on track with some spoken word poetry (maybe?) about how "this won’t be easy or fun/get ready to knock him on his buns." Great stuff. But those trouble-makers Andy and Kelly are at it again. Before they can be saved, both succumb to taking a bite of sugar cake and become our first cavity victims in the fight against Mr. Decay.
Fortunately, they will also be the last victims, as apparently there's been a pretty simple solution all along. Ali spells it out, "Hey gang, let’s take this toothbrush and put it over the door because Mr. Tooth Decay won’t have nothing to do with a clubhouse that has the protection of a toothbrush. Let’s use this toothbrush from now on as a symbol of good oral hygiene."
With that the villains are defeated and we jump to Cosell announcing a match between Ali and his archenemy. "As one looks at Ali, one has to wonder what he’s thinking. This is the greatest adversary he has ever faced. Tougher than Joe Frazier and tougher than George Foreman. One has to wonder if the confidence is really there this time. Can Ali put away Mr. Tooth Decay?" If the statute of limitations hasn't passed I think Fraizer and Foreman might have a libel case on their hands for this unfavorable comparison. The rest of the match is broadcast entirely in poorly-plotted rhymes and the whole record wraps with this memorable warning: "Mr. Milkshake will have his way, chocolate fudge he just can’t budge and so to the dentist we make our way."