Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg?

One of my favorite ways to waste time at work is to read a quote from Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg, then ask my co-workers to guess which one said it. (We have quite a time down here.) With this quiz, you can play along at home.

1 of 12
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
2 of 12
"I was at a casino. I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said, 'You gotta move -- you're blocking the fire exit,' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
3 of 12
"When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV saying, 'Only you can prevent forest fires.' I thought 'Who? Me?' So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night with a bucket of water -- 'Gotta go to work.'"
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
4 of 12
"Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back the entire area was missing."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
5 of 12
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So, I got a cake."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
6 of 12
"I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
7 of 12
"A lot of times, I'll drive for like 10 miles with the emergency brake. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
8 of 12
"I filled out an application that said, 'In Case Of Emergency Notify ________.' I wrote 'Doctor.' What's my mother going to do?"
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
9 of 12
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
10 of 12
"I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
11 of 12
"If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses."
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg
12 of 12
"I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet because Pizza Hut will accept all competitors' coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place: [My] Pizzeria -- this week's coupon: unlimited free pizza.'"
Steven Wright
Mitch Hedberg