THE PRESIDENTIAL QUIZ: Just how presidential are you?

Question 1

PRESIDENTIAL ETIQUETTE: Quick! The first lady is having an epileptic fit in the middle of a state dinner. Instinctively, you…

a) Ignore her and hope everyone else does, too.

b) Excuse yourself from the table and gently escort her to another room.

c) Pull out your handkerchief and throw it over her face.

d) Make bird-like cooing sounds to calm her.

Question 2

ETHICS: While traveling abroad, you find yourself in a region that grows an extraordinary strain of rice that would be ideal for your nation. There’s just one problem: the region jealously guards its prized crop, forbidding its export on punishment of death. What do you do?

a) Be diplomatic! Race home and convince your government to open negotiations for a trade agreement.

b) Be authoritative! Present your credentials and make an offer that might induce local authorities to change their minds.

c) Be innovative! Try breeding the strain yourself based on your own considerable knowledge.

d) Be a criminal. Just smuggle as many grains of the stuff as you can home.

Question 3

DEBATE: As president, you find yourself descending into an ugly argument with one of your closest advisors. As voices rise, your colleague makes what appears to be a physically threatening move. You…

a) Lunge toward the nearby fireplace, grab the tongs, and chase him off the premises.

b) Step away and assume a Judo stance.

c) Make loud, bizarre animal noises in the hopes of confusing your assailant.

d) Draw a letter opener from your inside chest pocket and hurl it like a dagger.

Question 4

INTERNATIONAL TREATIES: The formal signing of a general arbitration treaty with the United Kingdom will make this day one of the most significant of your presidency. To mark the occasion, you…

a) Tell a tasteless joke about two rabbis and a traveling salesman.

b) Throw a party the likes of which Washington, D.C. hasn’t seen in decades.

c) Duck out to play some golf.

d) Attempt to bribe the visiting dignitaries into spying on their own government.

Question 5

YOUR LEGACY: As a former president and one of the most esteemed politicians in the country, you decide to cap your career by writing a memoir. Naturally, you…

a) Bury the hatchet with all your political opponents and include their perspectives for posterity.

b) Produce a magnum opus that forgets to mention your wife.

c) Exact revenge on an old enemy by portraying him in print as a thief and a pederast.

d) Write the entire book in Latin to demonstrate the breadth of your linguistic expertise.

Question 6

HEALTH: Everybody wants to live longer, and you’re no different. You, however, have a Presidential secret that’s sure to do the trick. What is it?

a) A slice of coarse brown bread with every meal.

b) Regular head messages.

c) Ice cold footbaths in the morning.

d) Fasting three days a month to “purge” the system.

Question 7

STAGE PRESENCE: As you speak during a political rally in your home state, you look into the crowd and see one of your closest supporters getting into a brawl with the opposition. You…

a) Summon some friends to rush over and break up the fight.

b) Interrupt your speech, wade through the crowd, and physically throw the antagonist out yourself.

c) Use your thunderous voice to demand civilized behavior and bring control to the gathering.

d) Break the tension by telling an uproarious story about your own sexual past.

Question 8

FIRST IMPRESSIONS: The day of your inaugural speech turns out to be very cold and blustery. What do you do?

a) Bundle up in the warmest clothes you can find and cut your speech in half.

b) Arrange to have the first and only indoor inaugural speech in presidential history.

c) Intending to impress the masses with your nerve and vigor, you decide to brave the frigid weather without a hat, gloves, or overcoat.

d) Refuse to speak at all… unless the incumbent administration arranges to build bonfires to warm the assembled crowd.

Question 9

SHOWING YOUR GRATITUDE: In an act of courtesy, your predecessor stocks the White House cellars with all the wine you’ll need before you move in. You…

a) Show your thanks by commissioning a portrait of him to be painted by the country’s most celebrated artist.

b) Squander his generosity and ignore the wine throughout your presidency.

c) Assume that his act is an insulting indictment of your impoverished state and insist on paying for every bottle.

d) Sell the wine and use the profits to add a new wing to the White House.

Question 10

SELF DEFENSE: You’re taking a stroll through the Capitol rotunda when an assassin approaches from out of nowhere and levels two single-shot pistols at you. What do you do?

a) Hit the deck and hope he misses.

b) Freeze and whisper a prayer.

c) Scream bloody murder for security to tackle him.

d) Charge straight at him and hope for a miracle.

Question 11

PUBLIC RELATIONS: In a shameless bid for votes, your opponents dig up an old affair from your past that may have produced an illegitimate child. After the bomb drops, your advisors scramble back panicked. What’s your plan?

a) Tell the truth: that you did in fact have a relationship with the woman in question and that, yes, the child is probably yours.

b) Deny everything.

c) Whisk the woman and child out of the country until the whole thing blows over.

d) Turn the situation into an opportunity to denounce smear tactics and usher in a new era of clean, honest campaigning.

Question 12

MACHISMO: A famous boxing champion is coming to visit the White House. You…

a) Ask that he throw his next fight so that you can wipe out some gambling debts.

b) Invite his last opponent to the White House on the same evening without telling either of them in the hopes of sparking some “excitement.”

c) Instruct the executive chef to bake an elaborate cake in the shape of a boxing glove.

d) Take on the fellow yourself to show him how tough you are.

Question 13

STAFF MANAGEMENT: Imagine for a moment that it’s 1931 and you’re a member of the White House domestic staff. Suddenly, you hear the mansion’s bell system ring three times. What do you do?

a) Stand at attention, and salute.

b) Race to the kitchen and grab your lunch before the allotted five minutes is up and your food is donated to a charity for the homeless.

c) Join the other servants in assembling on the front portico for an important announcement.

d) Dive into the nearest closet or bathroom and ensure that you are out of sight.

Question 14

FAMILY HONOR: Your daughter’s debut as a singer is bashed by a local critic. You…

a) Call in some political favors to have the journalist fired.

b) Mail a letter to the reviewer in which you graphically threaten to beat the tar out of him.

c) Hire another paper to print a more sympathetic review.

d) Confront your daughter and demand that she abandon her singing career once and for all.

Question 15

TOUGH DECISIONS: You’re a strikingly attractive athlete with modeling experience. Out of nowhere, you get the opportunity of a lifetime when two NFL teams offer you a contract. What do you do?

a) Take one of the offers, invest all your dreams in football, and watch them disappear when you shatter your rotator cup during the second game.

b) Sign with both teams and initiate a legal fight that will destroy your prospects with the NFL.

c) Turn down all offers and go to law school.

d) Attend to your dying mother, who exacts a promise from you never to make a career out of professional sports.

Question 16

RACE RELATIONS: In the privacy of the White House, you have just viewed a recent motion picture release that is as blatantly racist as it is brilliantly produced. You…

a) Publicly praise the work as a masterpiece.

b) Denounce the film as a monstrous exploitation of white paranoia.

c) Secretly contact the filmmaker with an offer to create a documentary about your administration.

d) Insist that the filmmaker make changes to his work that will lessen its controversial impact.

Question 17

PRESIDENTIAL RELATIONS: Imagine you’re the father of a man who, you’re sure, is destined to become president. He’s written a book about the years leading up to World War II, and it’s as poorly written as it is timely. What’s your move?

a) Pull whatever strings you can to prevent the thing from seeing the light of day.

b) Grab the manuscript and use your own editing skills to transform it into a bestseller.

c) Buy up tens of thousands of the publisher’s copies to vault the title into bestseller status.

d) Confront your son and insist that he must burn the manuscript if he wishes to remain in your good graces.

Question 18

PUBLIC FEUDS: During your pre-presidential years, your public criticism of a state politician leads to his challenging you to a duel. Being the challenged party, you have the choice of weapons. What do you do?

a) Choose pistols! You’re a crack shot.

b) Choose swords with the intention of cutting your opponent like a flank steak.

c) Turn down the duel and offer a public apology—discretion, after all, is the better part of valor.

d) Choose whips with the hope of intimidating your opponent into rescinding his challenge

Question 19

RELATIONSHIPS: It’s four years since your wife, who was first lady during your presidency, has passed away. You have decided to marry again—to your late wife’s niece. Scandalized, your two children have stopped talking to you. What do you do?

a) Cut your contemptuous kids out of your will.

b) Reluctantly, break off your engagement to save the relationship with your cherished kids.

c) Pay your children a staggering $12,000 each in hopes of buying back their love.

d) Elope and start a new life away from your family and their animosity

Question 20

IMAGE MAKEOVER: It’s the beginning of your presidency and you want to inject some dignity into the White House to make a statement. How do you do it?

a) Replace all the limousines with brand-new Bentleys.

b) Invent a coat of arms that you can hang prominently in the East Room.

c) Dress the White House security in formal uniforms with tall military caps and epaulettes.

d) Demand black tie formalwear for all staff members during working hours.